A Heart Rewritten

I didn't know where to begin, so I started with myself...........

Breaking up with someone with whom you wanted to live your whole life feels devastating. I could never love someone the way I loved him and I absolutely mean it. I cannot be that version of me again and I don't want to be either. I am afraid of keeping expectations because it breaks all the time. There is a plus side of not having expectations from anyone because when they do something good for you, you genuinely feel surprised. I can never love that passionately again. It brings out something dark from within me. I have built my emotions in such a way that nothing bothers me anymore. If someone disappears from my life, I won't be that affected. I might miss them but not so much. The things which are out of my hands, better not stress over it.

My breakup was gradual not that I woke up one day and we cut ties. At that time my mental health was drowning. Everyday I woke up scared and frustrated about the fact that I have to go through hell again. Well, the "hell" existed only in my mind. My mind became my gravest enemy fuelled by my emotions. I wanted to somehow escape everything. I was searching for peace and at this lowest point of mental breakdown the most common thought is that life is not good and the only way to escape it is to close your eyes forever. I wanted to do it so badly but I lacked the guts to take action. So, I resort to self harm. I wanted to visit a doctor and I was one step away from doing it. For almost like 6 months, I endured all these. Things started to get worse and worse. I felt like there was a voice inside my head who would tell me the most pessimistic things. Most of it did not even exist. I feared the future and I tried to figure out all the possible cases that might happen. All of my thoughts were revolving around my former boyfriend. At that time, I thought that I would die if he ever leaves me. Well, here I am as light as rain.

After that night which taught me the valuable lesson of how precious life is, I decided to fight my own brain. As it is said "Your brain can be your fatal enemy if not controlled", I had enough !!. I wanted to change everything and find myself again. At that time, if anyone had asked me to describe my traits, I could have answered none. I completely lost my identity except for the tags that the world had enforced on me like my name.

I was always a night owl and there came one day when I stayed awake till 4 in the morning to research. I came to know about different ways to keep myself happy like eating healthy, exercising, dancing, listening to music, gardening, journaling, reading, learning a new skill, etc. I tried all of it and yes, everything worked. All these became my hobby and I was getting better. Then I came across a book named "Don't Believe Everything You Think" by Joseph Nguyen, it changed my life, it changed the whole process of my thinking. The introduction of this book says that after reading it you won't be the same person, yes it is true. I have greater control of my mind. This book made me aware whenever I was overthinking and helped me distinguish between what's real and what's just a worry created in my head. Also, spirituality had a great hand in making me believe in myself and the divine forces. I started to have faith in the unseen. The positivity in my head became my reality.

This whole journey shaped me into someone I never imagined I can ever be. I have learned to love my soul and now I can definitely write a whole book about myself and my traits.

I stopped chasing love and started becoming it !