5 Things I Wish I Could Tell My Mom as a 30-Year-Old Single Woman

My mom was my first best friend.

She brought me up as an individual and never as a girl who would live most of her life with her in-laws. She made me trust books and skills over looking pretty.

I was allowed to dance at weddings with my uncles, climb trees with my childhood gang, and play football with tough guys in our area. She supported me with no complaints when I fell in love at 17 and came running back with a shattered heart and bruised self-esteem.

This bond lasted until I turned 29 and refused to see prospective grooms anymore for an arranged marriage.

There were a lot of heated debates, tears, and unforgivable words both of us could never take back. But I found the strength to refuse my mom’s wishes for the first time in my life.

Not a single phone call ends without her asking if I am talking to “someone” and asking me to get married in 2021. I just smile.

There are a few things I learned while piecing my life together as a single woman, entering the dating scene, and observing the world around me.

I wish I could tell her these:

#1. I am dating, mom, but it's not for marriage

Mom, I have met some amazing men.

I had a magical kiss, walked in a street full of Christmas stars holding hands, and went on an amazing date under the starry skies. And I would tell my grandchildren all about it. There are men who ended up among my good friends and others who are on my blocked list.

I learned cryptocurrency, how to write for a living, how a supply chain works, and how to buy lingerie (oops!).

I realized these men are just like me in a lot of ways — some seek love, some great moments, some sex. But they are also finding their place, figuring out their career path, worried about their parents' health, and wanting them to be happy.

I will continue dating, mom — not to find love but for the happy moments, for the beautiful space I share with the other person, and for the conversations that transcend time.

As for love, I believe it will find me. And I’m okay if love forgets my address and leaves me an old woman living with 30 dogs. (I would love that!)

#2. Age is not a reason to settle down

I remember you and dad reminding me that I was getting old and that it was high time I settled down.

Ah, folks, that’s number one on the list of “foolproof ways to have an unhappy marriage”. What if life doesn’t pan out the way we want it to?

What if we are not able to give you grandchildren (within your deadline of 2-3 years)?

What if everything looks good on the outside but I’m dying inside because I’m not living the way I should be living?

The idea of “better be married than be single in your 30’s” is bullsh*t.

The only right time for me to marry someone, mom, is only after the guy and I realize that we are right for each other.

Until then, everything can wait.

#3. I respect the institution of marriage, but it may not be for everyone

Marriage is beautiful and I’m no enemy to it.

Couple photos on Instagram do make me uneasy sometimes, and marriage invitations from my friends do make me rethink my decision late at night.

And yes, I do imagine myself as a mother to wonderful girls, but mom, this doesn’t mean I should jump into marriage. It’s not the magical cure to all my momentary longings.

Ultimately, you want happiness for your daughter, and guess what, mom? I am happy.

#4. Please tell people “concerned” about my life that it’s none of their business

Oh, mom, please stop with the guilty face when your uncle remarks I should get married because it’s getting late. Please tell him it’s my choice and that you support me.

Just once.

Remember when you fought with our relatives for laughing at my weight and taught a teary 8-year-old me to stand up for myself?

Remember the time you held my hand and walked with me to dispose of the broken gifts my jilted ex had thrown in front of our house?

You always had my back and I wish you could now. That support would mean the world to me.

#5. I have a lot to explore

I want to go on a solo trip to Europe, take you guys on a world tour, watch Auroras in Norway, write a book, start a home for street puppies, create a YouTube channel, excel at my current job, etc. The list is endless. But I know your reply:

I understand, Rashmi — get married and do all these with your husband!

No, mom.

What if he doesn’t share my craziness for Aurora and doesn’t make the effort to kiss me under those dancing skylights?

What if I would have to stay in the hotel room because he thinks it’s not worth it? And what if he loves dogs but dismisses my dog home idea as impractical and even dangerous?

That would be a death blow to me.

I’m taking time now to live life on my terms, meeting people along the way and taking the moments I’m given with all their rawness and magic.

You raised a girl encouraging her every dream and being her best cheerleader. How can you expect her to give it all up?

She’s your daughter.

Final Thoughts

Mom, our arguments have given me sleepless nights.

I’m really sorry for putting you through this in my pursuit of doing what I feel is the right thing for me. But please trust me — I’m doing this for the right reasons.

I cherish my daily calls with you. I secretly love that I can come running home anytime and lie in your lap with no one’s permission to ask for. I want to take you places and buy you all the things you sacrificed for my joy when I was growing up.

I’m happy, I’m loved by amazing friends who chose me, by the dogs in my street, and forever with all my flaws — by you.

What more could I ask for? Thank you, mom.

Article was previously published in Medium.