4years

Do you know what its like to lose

I lost, I lost a very important grade that I put years of struggle and study into. I lost the only definition of success in my 4 year of study. It is the hardest feeling I’d ever felt. Especially since I lost to someone who had only just started his journey who met me in my struggle but still was able to make it and won. I feel useless, stupid and angry. My anger knows no bounds. Even in my silent prayers, in my late night weeping, I remember how my pillow was always wet with my tears, tears of frustration, tears of fatigue. silent prayers for help to GOD to help me win but I lost. In all this I try to assure my self that everything happens for a reason but the more I tell myself that the more I realize how foolish and unintelligent I am. I claim to know but honestly I have learnt nothing. In simple words “ I am unwise, I do not fall into the category of the smart kids” in fact I am short of words. But I had always known this but I thought maybe studying hard and cramming the note can help me get my grade up but it now only reminds me now that to struggle could only do so much for me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I want a solution, I am not a free spirit so many people don’t see me as friendly, I don’t even know what’s I want for myself, it feels like I’m cursed.

I know it’s hard and not right to say but I’m angry at GOD. I feel betrayed by him, I feel unheard by him, I feel abandoned by him. I honestly don’t see anything. But I’m expected to love him still to worship him still but let’s be fair it’s not his fault there’s so much he can do for a dullard. I pray I find happiness one day, I pray I finally understand, I pray I become a best version of myself. And I pray one day I finally change.

I’m angry at my lecturers cause they knew, but still couldn’t help, I feel betrayed by them cause they treated me differently than that of the other person . I’m angry at the winner cause I feel cheated, I feel used and I try my best but I hate him. I know they say you have to clap for others so others can clap for you but now I understand the other side. I pray I don’t get to cry at night praying that I need something or want something cause now I know the other side would always be the winner. I hope one day I can be able to forgive myself for being who I am, I hope I find peace where I am. And I pray one day when I look back I can smile and say precious you’re not a dullard!!!.

The problem isn't the failure itself. The problem is the audacity i had to think i should be better! Who told me that i was supposed to be perfect? Was it a motivational poster of a cat hanging from a branch? Shame on that cat!

I look at myself in the mirror tonight. I Look into those eyes, those weary, slightly cynical eyes that have seen so much disappointment mostly self-inflicted and I tell myself “I forgive you, you magnificent, well-meaning idiot. You tried to be a better person, and you failed in a remarkably consistent fashion. And that consistency... is a kind of success. Now, let’s go make another mistake, but this time, let’s make it stupider!”

So I forgive myself.