The Acid Trip to Hell

PART 1 OF 6

This is part one of a ≈ 11,000 word excerpt from my recently completed unpublished memoir from the summer of 2020. This part of the book was without a doubt the hardest to write.

To go over this in editing was to immerse myself back in the emotional nightmare I was trapped in that night. A nightmare that felt never ending.

This is why it’s taken me three years to do. I’ve never talked about this to anyone in person but it’s a story that I have needed to tell. I had to get it out of me and into the world.

It should serve as a powerful warning to anyone to never take LSD to escape a bad feeling or situation, for it will only descend you further into it.

Part One is a brief introduction to my situation and thinking before taking the drug. I was already in a highly vulnerable and unstable place emotionally, which provides important context for what is to follow.

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Monday 22-06-20

15:30

First day waking up at Elias house. She left for work around 7:30 and I barely recall her leaving. Feeling so groggy and tired. I got up around 12:30 maybe and only because I felt I should.

I sat on the grass in the sunshine and lit a cigarette, feeling unusually lightheaded from it. I actually feel like I’m at a higher altitude than normal. The air feels thinner. The sky and clouds even appear much much closer than at Jason's, but upon googling this - it seems I’m only 91 ft close to the sky. Not exactly an amount that should be noticeable!

Elia arrived home about 20 minutes ago. She said spoke to the Tiger and that he’s not missing us at all. Which stung. It was clearly a statement of truth poorly veiled as joking and it hurt. I said that I’d tried calling him earlier but he didn’t answer. She immediately flushed with an energy of guilt and awkwardness that made it more than clear that she already knew.

What was the conversation there exactly? Oh, Kayleigh called but I totally ignored her as I don't want to speak to her? Fuck, if he's that happy about me leaving the house then I seriously don’t want to return to it. I am so done living in places where I’m not wanted. I’m fucking sick of it actually.

Maybe I should ask Elia if I can stay here? I could pay for the electric bills. Surely it couldn’t be too much? Maybe that would be better for all of us. I wouldn't have so many crazy thoughts (his house being filled with so much technology is a major, major trigger for me. I am constantly questioning whether there are camera's on me and it’s driving me insane) and Elia wouldn’t be as jealous (meaning they wouldn’t have to keep pretending to me that she isn’t). I would probably have a lot of fun here with her, actually. And I could cook for her finishing work etc which I know she would appreciate. I decided to think about this some more over the weekend before suggesting it.

She handed me a smoothie bowl as she joined me outside in the sunshine. I was actually really upset about Jason ignoring my call. And knowing that he and Elia had discussed it was making it even worse. To just ignore me like that? It's one thing to be so busy you can’t reply, but he had time to speak to Elia after I called him. Which makes it clear that he isn't too busy. He is just ignoring me.

To not even send a message out of basic politeness? That was just horrible. How can people be so rude and just not care about that? Especially to someone they proclaim to love. It seemed that the whole world had a seriously distorted view of what love actually is and it depresses me more every day.

Thinking of the sweet note that I had left for him before we got the train was now made me feel sick. Had he actually read it and just decided fuck that? Or had he thought that and not even opened it? Seriously, which? Because it was quite clear there was no option c. I pointed it out before I left and asked him to read it. He knew it was there.

If he had read it then he would have spoken to me and softened instead of maintaining this completely unjustified anger against me. I was sick of everything in our relationship being some kind of a guessing game. There was no open communication from him at all. At least not about anything that actually mattered. Oh how I wished I could better ignore all of this but I couldn’t. It felt like a literal pain in my heart right now.

He had this incredible demeanour of being so free and open and yet he was actually neither. I saw him as having created this incredible, beautiful playground oasis as a moat surrounding him. And he stood in the centre. Far away, distant and detached. He enjoyed watching people play in the oasis he had created but if any dared to try to cross those scalding desert sands to reach him they would soon regret it.

He would adore you so long as you remembered your place in the oasis. You were a visitor and nothing more. You could see the tree, but you weren’t allowed to touch. Which explains why he he chosen a child to date instead of someone even remotely close to his own age or experience. Because God forbid he might have to risk being truly vulnerable or intimate or real.

No. Much safer to be with someone who was still learning about herself and the world. Who was low risk and safe. Apparently my wanting to address his constant short temper with me was just too much for him to bear. Which was ridiculous. All we had to do was talk and work out why was really wrong. Then we could fix it. But apparently I’m just an idiot to think such a relationship is possible. Instead I’m punished by silence.

Why was I constantly trying so hard with people who didn’t even offer me the most basic levels of courtesy? To just ignore me like that when he clearly knew Elia would tell me they had spoken? Was this just his way of reinforcing to me that I was nothing to him? Did he simply not care at all how shitty that feels from my side? What makes it worse is that deep down I know he is the one who should have been apologising after these past days. Yet it’s not that. It’s fucked up.

I know that the weight of my anger and hurt right now is not just about him. This whole situation brings up deep trauma and hurts. Past memories of being unloved, unwanted, and unappreciated, of constantly feeling rejected and alone.

Something random just came to mind from a while ago - when Elia told me a story of a ‘friend’ she once tried to help. One who never ‘moved on’ from her and always wanted more. I remember her saying that this person seemed to think that Elia was the reason for her healing and became clingy and demanding of her time. She was telling this story as some kind of prelude to ending our relationship once I left here. It was essentially saying to me once you leave, don’t expect this relationship to continue.

This thinking was not playing out in some fearful, paranoid way. I know the difference between intuition and fear. Intuition always comes with calmness, even when you dislike what it for-tells. Fear comes with unstable, unsettling emotions. I know fear extremely well and this was not fear. If the undertone of her story had been text then it would be bold, highlighted and underlined. I want you out of our lives.

At the time we had been smoking together on Jason’s balcony. She had told this story in the most serious and pointed way and then just left. When I walked back inside she was all sweetness and light again in front of him and it honestly had me questioning whether her entire relationship with me was only out of a need to ‘please’ him. That story had been completely out of the blue and out of any context. I could feel the motive behind it.

People who have close families or at the very least, supportive families, will perhaps never truly understand what it feels like to be alone in this world. When you are acutely aware you have no one in your life and someone comes along proclaiming their love for you, it creates a deep internal panic when you feel them suddenly pulling away. This is something Elia will not even begin to understand for a long, long time. At the very least not until Jason begins pulling away from her. Unless of course she choses to remain in the oasis forever more. But that’s ultimately going to cause them both to suffer because true happiness doesn’t exist in the shallow.

I hated that she felt the need to essentially tell me not to cling to her. That made me deeply cringe inside. It also made me feel completely misunderstood. Did these people not build relationships with the idea of them actually lasting? Was it really necessary to set up a "get out" clause in everything? Was that balanced and loving? What kind of people treated others as being disposable like that? I don’t think I’ll ever understand this.

Or had her warning story come from both of them? Had her and Jason sat down to discuss this and it was decided she should speak to me in this way? To begin to set it up in my mind that once I leave here, I should just exit both their lives because they were done playing with me? That was an even worse thought. I felt sick to my core. Either way there was far more going on below the surface here than I was being told and I hated not knowing for sure.

I always have such distaste for clichés such as don’t look for wholeness out-with yourself, you need to find wholeness within. I know that I have no choice but to try to do this because I have no one else. But it's not right. It's not how life should be. We are supposed to live in loving communities. People are supposed to have unconditional love, support and nurture from others. At the very least they are supposed to have this love from their parents. And when the parents die, there are siblings / cousins / childhood friends / the community around them to offer love and support.

To live a life without real love is to live a life of deep pain, suffering and unhappiness. Of course I realise I am not alone in this. Look at the vast number of others suffering mental health issues, addictions, suicide rates etc. Knowing this actually just made me feel even worse in all honesty. What a horrible, depressing world this is. As Sting’s lyrics go “you’re not alone in being alone”. But does knowing this really help anyone who is alone? No. It really doesn’t.

I pushed these thoughts aside as I showered. I made more tea, put sunscreen on and rejoined Elia. She suggested we take a walk to the river and so we did. It took us around half an hour of walking through the city. It was quiet and lots of traditional German buildings graced the cityscape. Everything looked so different. So storybook. Or movie-set. But I really didn’t want to be thinking that.

We arrived at a nice spot by the river. It was busy and there were lots of people around us but I was too drained to feel bothered by their presence. In a way this was a strange relief to me. Being too exhausted to fear them. To worry if they were judging me, watching me. Feeling tuned out of others and into myself is so easy when I’m upset. I wish I could do it normally without having to feel this intense grief, however.

The sun and the walk had completely drained what little energy I had left in me. There were children and young adults paddling in the water and Elia took off her shoes and stepped. I sat on the blanket she had laid out. I smiled, but only for her benefit. I didn’t want her to question how I was feeling because I knew I would cry and I didn’t want her to know I was upset.

There were two sides to this.

One being, I knew she couldn’t handle even a fraction of what I needed to offload. I had tried talking to her before and that was a huge mistake. The other because she tries so hard to lift my spirits all the time and I feel like I am letting her down if she was to truly realise how desperately unhappy I am. I tried hard to focus on gratitude for where I was and this helped for a short while.

It helped right until my eyes caught notice of this tall building protruding from behind the tree line with its satellite mast pointing high into the sky. These seemed to be everywhere I went and it felt like a camera pointed straight at me. All of those scary, recurring thoughts that I was the centre of some Truman style show (being constantly watched & every thing in my life was somehow set up as a test for someone else's entertainment) came flooding back. Fast.

The thought that nothing in my life is real was putting intense pressure into my head. I tried to push it away as I felt tears begin to escape my eyes. Would I ever be able to think normally again? I fought hard to stop crying, terrified that I wouldn’t be able to. I’m in no way exaggerating when I say I feel like I’m on the edge of a proper breakdown where I will never be able to stop crying.

As I looked around and saw all of these normal people laughing and playing under the sun I felt more alone than ever. It felt like I was no longer a real part of this world. Ever since the rape I was just some hollow shadow on the outside looking in. For now. Until they all realised I was completely insane and then everything would be over. I had to keep control of my mind. I had to. Thankful for my mirrored sunglass lenses hiding my puffy eyes, I discreetly wiped my face and tried harder to distract my mind.

I could feel the sweat dripping down the back of my knees as I lay down on the blanket. The ground was hard but it felt good to be against the earth. As I lay there, I tried to tune out of myself and into the nature which was profoundly helping. The questions running through my mind were dangerous for me at this moment. Hell, thinking anything at all felt dangerous and it seemed I couldn’t stop doing it. I was holding back a dam of emotions behind a fragile, cracking wall that could bust at any second. My focus had to be on keeping the wall in tact.

Elia and Jason had repeatedly warned me not to open up to them. Every sign possible has been displayed to say do not attempt to talk about your true feelings. I had already tried so many times and I was met with being dismissed, shut down or looked at with disgust. I knew I had no choice but to keep it all in right now. This was not a safe environment to release any of these thoughts. I had to keep focused on getting out of here soon. Soon I would have a place of my own. Somewhere I can release all of these toxic thoughts and emotions. Somewhere I could release all of this grief.

This is probably why I'm journalling more than ever. This is the only place I have to release any of this pressure within me. Part of me fears that they will read this when I’m asleep. I know that’s ridiculous even as I write it and it’s again coming from childhood wounding. I never had privacy. Or adults that I could trust around me. Reading my journals and then shaming me for my feelings were memories that haunted me still. Nothing was safe. I was never safe. Even in my writing. But I had to release somehow. The pressure of holding all of these thoughts within me was becoming too great.

20:30

Couldn’t sleep at first, but I lay down anyway with my eyes closed. My body is so weary and tired. Even my feet ache.

23:50

Elia had bad dreams. We both got up, drank water etc and then returned to bed. I felt really tearful. If Elia hadn’t been there I would have let myself cry. I needed to cry.