Steven Dench and his Horrible Stench & Tracy Shrink and her Awful Stink

There was something very special about Steven Dench. He was tall whereas other kids were short. He was thin whereas other kids were fat. And he was a good student whereas other kids were not. In fact of all the kids in Year 2 at Wilson’s Heath Primary, Steven was the one kid who was universally admired by all the other kids and all the teachers.

Given this situation you might think that on Goo-day Steven Dench might have been spared a good old fashioned goo-ing by his friend and admirer Jimmy McGrue. But this in fact was not the case, with Steven receiving a thorough goo-splattering when the ceiling fans started to whir, a total goo-sopping when he tried to use the toilets and a complete goo-drenching when he opened his locker.

Now a boy admired by kids and teachers alike needs very little. But a boy splattered, sopped and drenched with goo needs only one thing - revenge!

Steven was a great believer in the old adage that revenge is a dish best served smelly. So naturally he went straight to his mother’s kitchen cabinet where conveniently located on an easy to reach middle shelf was a can of SkunkSpray™ (Keep out of Reach of Children).

Now the makers of SkunkSpray™ (Keep out of Reach of Children) are a particularly thoughtful group of people. Their first thought when making their product was how to actually get the smell of a skunk inside a can, while their second thought, of much greater interest to Steven, was how to get the smell of a skunk out of a can. To this end they had provided a nozzle with three convenient settings - ‘Sprinkle’, ‘Spray’ and ‘Blast’. (Interestingly it never occurred to them to think exactly why anyone would actually want the smell of a skunk either inside or outside a can!).

It should come as no surprise that when sitting patiently in class waiting for roll to be called, Steven had the nozzle firmly set to ‘Blast’. Too firmly in fact, because when he pushed down on the nozzle not only did it blast, it continued to blast long, long, long after Steven wanted it to stop.

Now I don’t know if you are a customer of a SkunkSpray™ (Keep out of Reach of Children), but if you are you will know that not only should it be kept out of the reach of children, and that its contents contain a truly awful stench especially when its nozzle is set to blast. So it would come as no surprise to you to see screaming children fleeing a classroom where a can of SkunkSpray™ (Keep out of Reach of Children) had been used. And it would come as no surprise to you to see them being followed by the menacing presence of an awful stench.

Meanwhile down the hall …

Tracy Shrink was an exceptional girl. She wasn’t exceptional because she was tall while others were short, and she wasn’t exceptional because she was thin while others were fat, and she wasn’t exceptional because she was a good student while others were not.

No, Tracy Shrink was exceptional because she was exceptionally curious. For instance she wore exceptionally large earrings after an experiment with a nail gun. And her hair was an exceptional array of colours and shades after an experiment with her mother’s hair dyes.

So it was exceptionally surprising that on that morning the most exceptionally curious student at Wilson’s Heath Primary should be left alone in the school’s science lab.

But it was not surprising that Tracy in her seclusion should be experimenting and that she should have a basin in front of her and a selection of carefully labeled bottles to choose from.

Tracy took the first bottle and read:

“New-monia (Do not mix with Old-monia)”

Then she took the second bottle and read:

“Old-monia (Do not mix with New-monia)”

Do I really have to tell you what she did next?

Then she took the third bottle and read:

“A-monia (Do not mix with either New-monia or Old-monia)”

Do I really, really have to tell you what she did next?

Then she took the fourth bottle and read:

“Plew-tonium (Do not mix with anything!!!!)”

Do I really, really, really have to tell you what she did next?

There’s a good reason why you should not mix New-monia with Old-monia. It smells awful. And there’s a really good reason why you should not mix New-monia and Old-monia with A-monia. It smells really awful. And there’s a really, really good reason why you should not mix Plew-tonium with anything. It smells really, really awful. And there’s a really, really, really good reason why you should not mix Old-monia with New-monia and mix that with A-monia and mix that with Plew-tonium. It smells like the most really, really, really awful thing you have ever smelt.

At least that’s what Tracy Shrink thought as she ran out into the corridor with the awful stink following close behind.

As the awful stink drifted down the corridor it encountered the horrible stench coming in the other direction. At first the two powerful smells eyed each other suspiciously before sensibly deciding that collaboration was better than confrontation. They then sought other lingering odours to join the cause.

From the boy’s toilets the pong of Peter Grace’s unflushed waste was happy to be part of the fun. From the locker’s the smell of Trevor Knox’s unwashed socks signed on for action. And from the bins the smell of Stefan DeGoote’s half eaten fruit reported for duty.

And this was how the world’s first stink-ench was formed.

By the time the stink-ench emerged from the school news helicopters had appeared overhead anxious to capture live pictures of another Wilson’s Heath Primary mess, a situation that the media was already describing as stink-ench-orrific.

Next to arrive was the police department ready to take control of things. However the police chief took one whiff of the smell and gasped before describing the situation as stink-ench-orrendous.

That’s when the fire department arrived with sirens blaring and lights flashing. The fire chief inhaled deeply, then spluttered and then sighed before describing the situation as stink-ench-anormous.

That just left the town’s Mayor to put in an appearance. When he arrived he took one look and one big sniff at the scene and declared that this was the worst stink-ench related incident he could remember. And everyone agreed that it must be, because everyone knew the Mayor had a particularly good memory, although they were a little puzzled as they all thought they remembered being told quite recently that this was in fact the world’s first ever stink-ench.

And the Mayor shook his head in dismay and quietly asked the now familiar question, ‘Who is responsible for this mess?’

Well fifty heads turned, and fifty fingers pointed, and fifty voices answered ‘It was him. It was Simon Dench who made the horrible stench.’

And fifty heads turned, and fifty fingers pointed, and fifty voices answered ‘It was her. It was Tracy Shrink who made the awful stink.’

‘Yes,’ said the Mayor. ‘That’s all very well. But who is responsible for this stink-ench?”