Redefining Success

I've been feeling depressed and anxious lately. On Friday before Shabbat, I wanted to share with a trusted few on Facebook a bit about why I'm feeling so down lately and yes, the time of year it is and the 11 year anniversary of my rapeis getting closer. I tend to reflect hardcore at this time of year.

When I was younger, many people from family to teachers thought I was going to be a successful woman. I did have writing talent and maybe that's where it came from, or the general success.

In my thinking, success means money. Money from a good job that lets you travel and live life comfortably.

But is it that, really? Success is so broad. What success means to one person, doesn't necessarily mean success to me.

Sure, I wish I had more money. But, I have a job that I for the most part love and make a good salary. It's a lot better than where I was 5 years ago, making $5 an hour less and just hating the job in general. While my job isn't perfect, I don't get sick like I once did. Although I have chronic conditions, I have my health and I'm healthier.

Sure, I wish I had more money to have a nicer wedding, but the wedding David and I will have are the visions of what we want. Neither one of us wanted extravagant, we wanted something done by a judge, and a day to celebrate our love with people we love. You don't need to spend a lot for that.

I also wish that fixing up the house after we get married would go quicker, but even with more money, that would still take time. As an attorney friend told me when he dropped the TV off, "Rome wasn't built in a day, Jess. This house won't be fixed in a day either. It'll take time, patience, and loving work." I know it takes years for people to fix up a house.

I also have someone who loves me and will do things for me out of his love for me. He's a straight man who loves an ace and will compromise for her. He knew I wanted to get engaged and he did it to prove his love, loyalty, and commitment. Of course there are days where it's so tough getting used to a new environment, but David and his dad have welcomed me. I'll have to get used to some stuff and realize that there are a lot of things that someone does that don't require me getting upset.

Maybe this is success in its own way. I know I'm in a relatively better place than I was. I still write, even though it's more for myself lately. I have hobbies, friends, family, a fiance, future father in law, dad, a roof over my head, clean clothes, and food. That's pretty successful.