New Teeth New Me-Chapter 1

While I was in addiction, I didn't take care of myself. I don't know many addicts that do. I was a drunk and a drug addict, and towards the end of my addiction, I was putting substances on my gums because it just hit differently. Because of that and being an addict for 18 years, I messed up my teeth. They got worse when I got sober. The damage I had already done had just gotten worse.

With 14 years of sobriety, I am getting my teeth fixed. I went to the dentist for the first time in over 30 years. They want to pull all my teeth and get dentures. I agreed. I was super excited and gung-ho about it. But in the last few days, my mind has gone crazy. What if something happens and I die when they put me under? What if I bleed out? These what-ifs can be fixed through prayer and talking to people.

But the biggest one that gets me is why I deserve to get this work done. After all the awful things I did in addiction, why do I think I should better myself? Is it addict guilt? Is it all the bad things I did reminding me how awful I was, making me believe I don't get to be happy and healthy? Do I deserve to get this work done?

I don't know how to answer those questions without looking around at all the fantastic things I have in my life to remind me I deserve all this. My dad and stepmom have forgiven me. I have handled all my criminal activities through court and jail time. I have three wonderful kids who adore me.

But what I don't have is my sons I had while in addiction. Do they hate me? Probably not anymore because they have moved on with their lives. They have grown to be amazing adults. They made a choice not to allow me in their lives, and I made the choice to respect their decision. So does this mean I don't deserve to be healthy?

Jesus forgave me long before I needed to be forgiven. I forgave myself once I saw I was worth the forgiveness. I have forgiven all those who have hurt me in addiction and sobriety. I do my best to be a good person.

So, I do deserve this, right?

Every person I have in my life does not judge me for how I look. I worked for my friend's catering service, and I would wear a mask. I did that initially because of COVID-19 but continued because I didn't want anyone to judge the people I worked for. The owner, my friend, pulled me aside and asked me not to wear the mask. I said I don't want anyone to judge you for hiring someone like me. He told me he loved me and didn't care because these people didn't know me and how far I had come. I took the mask off and never wore it again.

My husband still finds me attractive. But doesn't he deserve a wife who feels like she is, a wife who can look in the mirror and not cringe at what other people see?

My kids deserve a mom who is healthy and happy. I don't know if they worry about what their friends will think when they see me for the first time, but they have not ever been embarrassed to have me around them. They may not worry what their friends think, but I do.

I ask all of these questions even though I know the answers. Yes, I do deserve to feel sexy with my husband and not worry about what my kids' friends think. I deserve to meet new people and not have them shocked when we talk. I deserve to have a healthy lifestyle.

No matter what I say or do right now, I have over a month to go before my oral surgery. I will have more self-doubt and hate as the days go by. I will pray for peace. I will remind myself that I did enough damage and that it's time to fix what I broke.

I have a great family and church family that will help me manage my emotions.

I am excited to get this work done. I think about how much better my health will be. I have told all of my friends I will be hot again. Not only am I getting new teeth, but since I will be on a soft diet for over a month, I will lose weight. I will not go out much once I get my teeth pulled. So when I finally show up in the outside world, I will look and feel better. When I do go out again, I will wear a mask. I don't want people to see me that way.

Having bad teeth has never stopped me from laughing and smiling because I know I am no longer that addict. People love me. I have no one from my past to remind me of who I used to be, and my family never reminds me. So, my smile should not remind me.

I am constantly pushing others in recovery to be better people than they were yesterday. I want all addicts to see the light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how bad their addiction is or was.

One of the times I did jail time, I was locked up with a baby killer. Two, in fact. The first one was a younger girl. She helped kill her friend's baby. They would rather use drugs and drink and travel with the carnival than have babies. I bet they were wishing that they had just gotten an abortion. Her addiction caused her to kill an innocent baby. The other one wasn't an addict. I talk about her because not everyone is honest about their change in life. She would hold bible studies, prayer circles, and so many other things before his conviction. I ended up back in jail after her conviction, and she was a completely different person. She put on the act that she was a follower of Jesus because she thought it would help her in her case, but the truth was, after her conviction, the devil took over.

Those two women led different paths in life but ended up in the same place. Not all addicts are going to have bad teeth. Not all addicts want to get sober. I didn't. I was one step away from prison and was given the option to go to rehab instead. I planned to go back to my abuser once I was done and continue to drink. I would rather get beat daily than get sober. Because addiction was all I knew.

God had much different plans for me. Those plans consist of getting my teeth done because I deserve it.

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