Sacred Sexuality

This is a chapter from my book, "Lilith: The Deification of a Demon" The book should be out by July 4, 2023. You will be able to purchase it at www.sacredsloth.net along with my other books.

Human Intimacy is Much More than a Biological Urge

Sacred sexuality is the practice of incorporating spiritual and emotional elements into sexual experiences in order to strengthen one’s connection to oneself, one’s partner, and the divine.

Sacred sexuality has been practiced in various cultures and religions throughout history, including tantra in Hinduism and Buddhism and sacred eroticism in ancient civilizations such as Egypt and Greece.

Sexuality is regarded as a sacred and necessary part of life in many indigenous cultures, and it is honored and celebrated in rituals and ceremonies. In other words, there is much that our modern society has forgotten about the sexual pleasure inherent in erotic spirituality. We must always be aware that our sexuality is a gift. It is not only about procreation, but it is about pleasure and about connecting so deeply with another person that we become "one" with them.

The goal of sacred sexuality is to connect with a higher power and achieve transcendence through the energy of sex. This can be accomplished through techniques like meditation, visualization, breathwork, and energy work, which are used to increase awareness and sensuality as well as the flow of energy within the body.

Regular biological human sexuality, on the other hand, is frequently focused solely on the physical act of sex and the pleasure derived from it. While there is nothing inherently wrong with this, sacred sexuality seeks to elevate the experience by connecting with oneself, one’s partner, and cosmic energy, and by using the sexual act as a tool for personal and spiritual development.

"The act of sexual love should by its very nature be joyous, unconstrained, alive, leisurely, inventive and full of special delight, which the lovers have learned by experience to create for one another."

This quote is from Cistercian monk and Roman Catholic priest, Thomas Merton, from his book Love and Living. Writing about "uninhibited erotic love between married persons," he continues, "Properly understood, sexual union is an expression of deep personal love and a means to the deepening, perfecting, and sanctifying of that love." He is saying that, when pure, sexual love can take on a quality that is sacred.

The link between sex and spirituality is strong. Think of sex in nature — procreation, fecundity, the diversity of plant and animal life. Here is a clue that the great life force, the relentless drive to creation, has a universal, spiritual quality. The sexual drive to reproduction in humans is called "libido," a word which also translates as "life force."

In this sense, the sex drive responsible for producing each of us and connects us seamlessly with nature, and with the whole universe, and with each other. From puberty, we too become participants in the great dance of creation. We experience sexual urges and attractions and are capable of sexual behavior – erotic behavior. This sacredness is not to be treated lightly, is not to be monetized, and not meant to be used as a tool of domination or power.

Each of us will have a stronger or weaker personal biological and psychological disposition affecting the degree to which we acknowledge and act upon this new capability.

In addition, by paying attention to people around us — parents, close family, others in our schools and communities, not least our peers — and through the powerful influence of the media — radio, television, films and the internet — we develop our sexual strategies, working towards becoming fully biologically and psychologically adult sexual beings.

There is a balance to be struck between indulgence and restraint; and this can be very complicated, particularly because although auto-eroticism is common, entirely normal and healthy, sex involves profoundly intimate interactions with another person, with other people. The predicament often presents a minefield during adolescence, when it is easy to make mistakes and get hurt, or hurt others. The advice we receive may be contradictory: “Keep yourself pure for the one partner who is right for you”, for example, is offset by, “Have as many sexual partners as possible, then you will be better prepared to recognize the one who is your true life-partner."

We are particularly influenced by those who introduce us to sex — ideally in a responsible way, through formal and informal education, but sometimes too by those who seek to exploit our sexuality for their own, selfish desires. This is a long way from the mutual eroticism that occurs within a stable and loving pair-bond, such as within a marriage.

Religious people are widely expected to advocate dealing with sexuality through a combination of abstinence and sublimation; that is by avoiding sexual behavior and using the force or energy wisely in other ways to benefit other people. (This is like the difference between letting off nuclear explosions and controlling the nuclear process to provide a constant supply of energy in the form of electricity.) But this is not easy and requires training. In recent times, in many cases, it seems to have gone badly wrong. Religious people have not only failed to control and divert their sexual urges healthily, but these have become perverted and led to extensive, traumatic corruption of the young and vulnerable. Clearly religion is not the answer. But self-awareness, self-respect, respect for others and spirituality is the key.

In the Hindu Kama Sutra and Tibetan Buddhist Tantra traditions, spiritual development involving mastery of sexual energy, in the context of trusting and spiritually mature, male-female relationships, reveal the possibility of a fruitful merging of sex and spirituality. In Western culture, however, we have too many hang-ups about sex to follow such a path. We tend to consider the main purpose of sex as pleasure, rather than either procreation or spiritual development. We seem to accept that: "anything goes, as long as it does not harm anyone." We aim for fidelity in pair-bond relationships but acknowledge this more as an ideal than a genuine goal. We are mostly aiming then to gratify "our" needs, "our" desires, which, of course, once satisfied, soon recur and we find we need to trouble our partner again, or be quick in finding another. This repetitious engagement can provide fun, but it can also be tiresome, even harmful and dangerous.

Sex is not simply a hunger to be satisfied. From adolescence onwards, a more mature attitude is appropriate: to see and experience sexuality as a vital, dynamic aspect of human interplay, rather than as a series of episodes in our own lives. In society, this means acknowledging, accepting and displaying confident masculine and feminine characteristics, without either provoking or submitting to erotic temptation. In private, with a partner, it means consideration — putting the other first — gaining pleasure mainly through generosity, through giving, and through displaying other mature virtues during sexual encounters, like patience, persistence, empathic sensitivity and affection. This is making love, rather than having sex; and mutual loving like this carries over into everyday life, spreading joy.

How does this relate sex to spirituality? Loving and feeling loved, you will feel more content, less driven, at peace within, more spontaneous as well as joyful. In this way, you will contribute to the well-being of others in your community, and possibly further afield. You will be less selfishly concerned with material values, with the gaining of wealth, power and celebrity (themselves the questionable basis of sex-appeal for some). You will be more attuned to the needs, joys and suffering of others, and more readily abide by spiritual values like compassion, humility, tolerance, equality, freedom, respect, forgiveness, wisdom and love.

Spirituality is about discovering who we really are — our true or higher selves as against our self-centered, everyday egos. Sexuality is obviously an important part of that.

Neither repression nor over-indulgence lead to spiritual maturity. We must each try and find another way — for our own peace of mind, and as an example to others. Loving relationships hold the key.

What Is the Difference Between Spiritual Sex and Tantric Sex?

Tantric sex is a practice that originally stems from certain teachings in Hinduism, known as Tantra. The original act of tantric sex is a very focused activity that is intended to help the partners reach a state of bliss without orgasm. Tantra teaches that this is a ritual and a way of worshipping, not an act that is intended for regular sexual activity.

Modern, Western “neotantric” sex is different and almost entirely divorced from religion. Instead of acting as a part of worship, neotantric sex is intended to help both partners feel closer and to encourage stronger orgasms by delaying them. When many people think of spiritual sex, they are thinking about sex that has elements of neotantric practices involved.

However, spiritual sex is much broader than just neotantric practices. Spiritual sex can include any elements that feel appropriate for you. This may include lighting candles, giving and receiving a massage, praying, or any other act you associate with spirituality.

Myths and Misconceptions about Spiritual Sex

Despite what you may think, spiritual sex is not rooted in any one religion. While certain forms of spiritual sex may have connections to different religious traditions, anyone can have sex that they feel is spiritual. There are writings by thinkers from a wide variety of religions supporting spiritual sex as not just possible, but important aspects of personal religious worship. It is never necessary to engage in spiritual sex, but regardless of your own beliefs, spiritual sex is an option. In fact, studies show that people who self-identify as spiritual may be more likely to have sex frequently.

How to Explore Spiritual Sex (Solo or with a Partner)

If you are interested in having spiritual sex, then you have several options. Your first and most important step should be to decide whether you want to explore spiritual sex on your own or with a partner.

If you decide to keep spiritual sexuality private, then you can begin whenever you feel comfortable. Decide what type of spiritual sex interests you: explicitly religious, neotantric, or something else. From there, you can pick and choose acts that make you feel comfortable.

You can also try spiritual sex with a partner. It is likely to be an intense experience, so choose a partner with whom you feel comfortable. You will need to communicate often to make sure that everyone involved is enjoying the activities. Your partner will also have preferences when it comes to any potential spiritual and sexual acts you perform. Work with them to create a spiritual experience that works for both of you.

Safety Advice and Special Considerations

Spiritual sex is intensely personal for most people. If you would like to engage in some form of spiritual sex with a partner, discuss the act with them beforehand. Some people may be uncomfortable with adding spiritual elements to sex or may not like the particular acts you are considering. It is important to communicate with your partners about sex, and even more so when you are considering adding a spiritual element to the activity.

Signs That It is a Problem

In rare cases, it’s possible for spiritual sex to cause problems in your personal life. If you or your partner feels uncomfortable with the spiritual sex you are having, then you may want to take a step back from the practice and discuss your feelings. Combining sex and spirituality can deeply affect some people, and not always positively. Some people may feel guilt or shame about spiritual sex. If you notice these feelings, you may want to pause or stop having spiritual sex until you have identified the root of these feelings or otherwise feel comfortable beginning

-Julie O’Hara 2023

Excerpt from “Exposing Lilith: Goddess or Demon?”

- Julie O'Hara 2023

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