When Ears Implode.
Written for the Sam Spinelli unofficial challenge, 'Do Your Worst' Make a list of 5 songs that you--for lack of a better word--hate! Details after the show!
When I first read about this challenge, it wasn't difficult to locate qualifiers in my head that are otherwise banned from it.
Unfortunately, there are plenty other tracks that deserve similar treatment. But in comparison to the ones featured here, they're tolerable.
Everyone gravitates to music of some type—unless you’ve been inflicted with the rare condition, Melophobia — The fear of music.
There's such a thing? Yes Lamar, there is.
Poor souls...
Throughout our gathering of personal taste, we find music that works for us. It's the songs that make our ears want to detach and run away that makes us realize: All music isn't intended for auditory consumption...
***
First up: Shut up and Dance by Walk the moon. (2014)
Man! I don't even know where to begin. This song makes my blood boil and causes an involuntary reaction where my right hand balls into a fist aimed at the radio. I have to use my other hand to quickly restrain it from punching something. Anything! And I don't have a violent bone in my body! Also, no song should ever tell you to shut up! Don't tell us what to do! In fact, I prefer talking through this entire track if somehow forced to listen to it.
Good luck! Hope your ears don't hate you in the morning.
***
Next up: Teenage Dirtbag by Wheatus. (2000)
Ugh!!! Someone strangle me! Put this misery to rest! I listen to Alternative radio from time to time and this song may be ruining that novelty. I can't seem to avoid its rotation. The lead singer's voice sounds like he converts oxygen into helium when he exhales. That, or he's eaten a plum whole, and it's stuck in his throat. Maybe with a different singer...who am I kidding? This song nullifies any chance of earning a spot in the jukebox in my head.
Try your best to make it through the horror. I'm praying for you...
***
Continuing along with: Welcome to the Jungle by Guns for Roses. (1987)
More like Guns and Posers (If you don't know what posers are, then, well, good for you. You're not missing a thing!) This song made the list because it's annoying AF and IT BITES!
The fact that it’s been overplayed to death for no reason means it's had many a year to irritate the shit out of me. I'd rather listen to the George of the Jungle theme song on repeat for 4 hours than listen to this once.
All it takes is hearing the first few notes of this tune to cause a panic attack, wondering how fast I can make it go away. I feel that everyone has heard it before. But if you need a reminder of how agitated it makes you, be my guess. I'm just the messenger...
***
You're darn right this next track made the list: Barbie girl by Aqua (1997)
No! I'm not a Barbie Girl and have never been to a Barbie world. But according to this awful song, she is and has. I don't understand how anyone can groove out to such a cringe-worthy track. It screams chick-flick and has been known to collapse eardrums among other things. I forbid you to listen to it!
Well…I guess for the sake of the challenge, I implore you to gather strength and go for it. Just don’t hate me afterwards...
***
Finishing the list, this next song’s video is corny AF. The song itself is 🤬🤬🤬… Even just now before typing the title, my fingers are protesting in resistance by cramping up. Here goes: Who let the dogs out? by Baha Men. (2000)
Although catchy, this may be one of the cheesiest lines in the history of cheese... I admit, I liked it the first time I heard it. After that, it was all downhill to the point of hyperventilating while covering my ears every time. The last thing I want is to be playing that question over and over in my head because the rest of the song is an afterthought. I didn't care to memorize any of the other lyrics; there was no point when I knew this song would never make it into the collection.
And they never do tell you who let the dogs out. It's the most-poorly executed mystery in all of music!!!
***
Bonus Track:
This challenge requires that you add a song you actually like from one of the same artists you've listed. If I were to choose a favorite from a least favorite artist here, November Rain by Guns and Posers comes to mind. It's a classy, relevant, pleasant-sounding, slower jam that builds to a nice finish. They've even incorporated an orchestra!
Although it's lengthy, I don't think I've ever changed the station when it came on. But don't tell them that! I don't want them to think that I've flipped. Additionally, it may be listenable but I'm still on the fence with Axl's voice, lol.
I listen to Pandora, Sirus and FM radio quite often. I appreciate art in all its forms as long as it resonates to a degree. And I'm sure all the artists listed here have made someone's day. They had to do something right in order to get to where they are/were. Doesn't mean I have to like the end product.
Thank you for being part of this melodic rant. And yes, I feel better.
***
The Challenge: Join in on the fun!
About the Creator
Lamar Wiggins
Creative writer in the Northeast US who loves the paranormal, mystery, true crime, horror, humor, fantasy and poetry.
"Life is Love Experienced" -LW
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Comments (24)
Aww, I like "Shut Up and Dance"; it tells a story! But no judgement; it was overplayed. I also think "Teenage Dirtbag" was overplayed, and it's making a resurgence on social media right now (at least, that's what I've gathered from watching YouTube shorts, lol). I like it alright too, though I can see why it would grate on the nerves. It's kind of up and down, energy-wise, and the singer has a high pitched voice. Completely agree on "Barbie Girl" and "Who Let the Dogs Out?" I will say that "Welcome to the Jungle" isn't annoying to ME when it's in an appropriate context; like I think it was in a Thor movie and I thought it was okay (or maybe a trailer for something like Thor...?). I hate listening to it on its own. SO annoying! What a great entry! Very entertaining read, and I love how you started the essay. I had no idea anyone could be afraid of music...which is depressing, really. Anyway. Thank you for sharing, Lamar. It was a cool experience to get a look into your musical mind ;D
I only listen to the old guys like meself who actually sang songs...so I could not actually enter this contest. there is enough noise in the world without some of the modern 'music'. Congrats all around.
Back to say congrats on honourable mention this week, Lamar!!
Wooohooooo congratulations on your Leaderboard placement! 🎉💖🎊🎉💖🎊
At least I recognize all the songs on your list! I have to agree with most of them, although I also have to admit that when Barbie Girl came out, it was THE song for me. I was also in middle school though so my taste in music was obviously questionable. Haha! Great list!
lol, love most of the songs, though Lamar. Funny article. You can keep Barbie Girl, though ;)
You are the king of funny on Vocal, Lamar. This is a great rant! Congrats on Top Story!
LMFAO!!!! Ruthless and I'm all here for it!! Congrats on Top Story Lamar!!
This was highly enjoyable Lamar! 😁 lol at Guns & Posers! I'm a pink-inclined, Barbie girl 🩷 and even I can't stomach the song Barbie girl! 🤣 Thx for sharing! This was entertaining! ☺️
hahahaha dude this was an amazing write up. I legitimately laughed out loud over and over. "Praying for you" and "I forbid it" both had me nearly in tears-- three little words each, but so damn sarcastic. Beautifully done, and I'm glad to see you earn top story on this-- it's well deserved! I also absolutely despise "shut up and dance", would have actually included it on my own list if I had remembered its existence-- somehow I forgot all about it while I was writing the challenge. Blessed relief, right? That said, I actually tolerate all the other songs on your list-- which helped sooth the pain of hearing Shut up and Dance again. Also great choice for the bonus I legitimately enjoy november rain :) Thanks for replying to the challenge, this was a joy to read and aside from shut up and dance, a lot of this was a mercy for my ears.
Back to say congratulations on your Top Story! 🎉💖🎊🎉💖🎊
How can you not like Barbie Girl? Oh it’s because you didn’t hear me sing it at a karaoke party last year 🤣🤣🤣 congrats on the TS
loved the story and appreciated the sentiments of bad music..but really enjoyed hearing november rain which really is a decent song of an otherwise often annoying group.... louis armstrong's voice sounds more gentle than axl's... axl is a bit younger and looks like janis joplin reincarnated
I love the energy of this - true Lamar not giving a f... Some of your choices we will disagree with one another, but that's all good. I get the hate for GNR, but Appetite For Destruction is still one of my favourite albums from that era. Paradise City is a better song and Sweet Child o Mine. And to be honest, November Rain, which is from one of the Use Your Illusions. Walk the Moon and Shut up and Dance I disagree with you about. But Who let the dogs out? - annoying af Barbie Girl - the lyrics are a mess and quite sexualised for a teenybopper sorta song. Teenage Dirtbag is annoying. I actually prefer A Little Respect by them tbh. I am going to have to enter this. lol. I am sure people will find fault with my list, but hey ho, that's what happens. Loved your writing on this and how passionately you got into it all, Lamar and congrats on Top Story!
I cannot stand Shut Up And Dance! I thought I was the only one.
What a great review on bad music. Agree with you wholeheartedly on "Who Let the Dogs Out". Now when I hear it a headache starts to form.
What a great review on bad music. I agree I liked 'Who let the dogs out' the first few times and even sang along, but now it just gives me a headache.
Hahahahahahahaha the way you described how much you hate those songs and all the physical reactions that comes with it made me laugh so much 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Is there an opposite of the music hater? Because that's me. I can listen to basically any music and enjoy it except for hard metal stuff that really rips through my ear drums. The songs you've listed here, Lamar, don't make me cringe at all. But I get your annoyed humor about them all. Barbie Girl is now stuck in my head, need to listen to Teddy Swims' The Door to get it out.
Shut up and dance is an all time favorite of mine…..woah man
I can’t say disagree with most of your choices, although I will say maybe I was just in the mood for kitsch when Barbie girl came out, cause I didn’t mind that one so much
My favorite part was the claim that they don't tell you who actually let the dogs out lol. It's true and I never noticed that 😂 Also, I HATE welcome to the jungle. I never knew why. I just don't like it. I love this. I might just jump in on this challenge. I have some things to say 😂😂 Good luck to you and thank you for sharing!!
This was interesting Lamar. Wheats might not be so bad if they had a better singer - I mean this grown up man sounds like a boy. I have never been a G n R fan so I agree with you - mostly because of Axel Rose’s voice. The funny thing is he has the ability to sing very well - but he chooses to sing with this very grating voice that sounds like he’s doing extreme damage to his vocal cords. I don’t hate Barbie Girl - but I also don’t love it. I am not much a fan of AP so Who Let the Dogs Out just does not do it for me. I actually like a few tracks by Walk the Moon. The one you listed is not one of them. My like for them ended pretty quick - they just did not have lasting power.
LOL I may not agree with every song on your list...what does that say for my taste? Anyways, I will agree with most ...Barbie girl.Yikes