Standing up

The hotel lobby is busy. I slip through the bustling throng of guests to the bar. Raising my voice above the din, I ask my friend Pam for a simple lemonade. I've dreamt of this moment all year. I quickly add one additional request and hand her a glass I produce from my bag.

"Pour it in this. It's mine —I made it," I grin.

I sip the bittersweet beverage and relish the poetry. One year ago, life gave me lemons and now I'm drinking lemonade — from my glass.

As I drink I reflect that on this day last year, I resolved to quit my job, a decision that changed my entire path in life. A path I once only dreamed of.

This year had one clear theme; stand up.

This year was full of ways to stand up for what I believe, for who I am, and for others. Like so many years before, my music echoed that theme. These are the songs that journeyed alongside me. This is my 2024 year in song.

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JANUARY

A year ago, I reluctantly stood and watched the guests in the lobby, a living organism pulsing with celebration. But I wasn't celebrating. I’d worked other New Year’s and never watched the guests with such disdain. My feet were throbbing and I felt betrayed.

Three days before Christmas our senior manager decided she’d no longer allow stools at the front desk, meaning we'd be forced to stand on our feet eight hours a day with no reprieve. Recognizing this as an HR infraction, I declared I wouldn't stand for it (haha) and threatened to leave if the stools weren't put back. I was denied.

My feet and hips were killing me and I found myself asking "Why?"

Why was I standing there watching others celebrate with family when my own was off somewhere else celebrating without me? Why was I sacrificing being with them just to suffer?

Fifteen minutes before midnight, I decided I had enough and made my first New Year's resolution, to quit.

While I pondered the extent I would go to stand up for a cause, Radiohead’s “Burn the Witch” found its way onto my Spotify. Radiohead creates a beautiful picture of what it's like to look underneath the facade and think for yourself. On the surface, melodic violins are humming along, but there's a low disconcerting tone underneath that ultimately gives way to a terrible realization. It leaves you wondering, "Would I have the strength to be the witch, or would I light a match?"

FEBRUARY

February was light and happy like 311's Good Feeling. Suddenly I wasn't surviving, I was thriving. I entered February with freedom. I had no job tying me down. I slept when I wanted, wrote in sunny coffee shops, and deep-cleaned my house. There was room to consider what I wanted to do and what goals I wanted to achieve.

One of those goals was glass-blowing. I'd applied to be a glass apprentice for years at a local studio but was rejected. A glass school outside Boston was my only way forward, but cost and time had always been a barrier.

Then one bright morning I awoke to find an email from said glass school announcing early registration. I bolted out of bed and told my husband. Concerned it would fill up fast, I stressed how time-sensitive it was. He went to sign me up. I waited upstairs with bated breath. The sun was breaking through my sun catcher and casting rainbows all around the room. I felt warmth and optimism.

He came back smiling and said, "You're in!" I lept into his arms. My dream was coming true.

If I hadn't quit my job, if my husband hadn't sought out a new job opportunity because I quit my job, we wouldn't have had the time or money for me to pursue my dream.

311's Good Feeling matches the tone of February for me perfectly.

MARCH

If you need a good writing playlist, try 'Writing music for focus' on Spotify. I frequented this list in March as I took every occasion I could to steal away to libraries, coffee shops, and tea houses to write. This song 'Daydreamer' is my favorite. Light and chill, yet moving with a steady pace. It always puts me in the write (see what I did there,) headspace.

March had the same vibe. Many days were spent in front of my computer with a cup of hot coffee. The outlook was light and chill. I was pursuing my dreams of writing and blowing glass. Things were good. I was reaping the fruit of my choice to stand up for myself and be true to who I am.

APRIL

Part of who we are is where we come from. In April I had the ultimate opportunity to journey home and honor my origins. The much anticipated solar eclipse cast its path of totality on my birthday, at the time I was born over the town I was born in. Who could ignore such a cosmic gift? We were able to travel to my Ohio home so I could blow out my candles as the sun went out. A dream that was realized because I quit my job.

Relient K is a band from my home state. This song about Ohio always fills me with a sense of nostalgia. I listened to them all the time in High School and even saw them live. Plus it's a wonderful road trip song. When I think of April, I think of this song.

MAY and JUNE

May and June were consumed with me driving to and from Boston, to my glass school. The total drive time was six hours but I didn't care. I was finally learning to blow glass for real. Often on these drives Pillar's Fireproof played on my radio. This song is about standing up for what you believe in. I also found it ironic because of the heat required to blow glass.

The furnace is an intimidating 2000 degrees, which along with the heat of those summer months, made the lyrics sort of humerous. When I first began classes I was nervous and needed a little encouragement. The power behind this song proved to be a good confidence booster before I literally played with fire.

JULY

I have a degree in Bible but have deconstructed from a conservative background. In July I learned that my college was suddenly closing.

Even though I've pulled away from that education, my heart ached for those who were now without a job and some, a home. At the same time, I couldn't help but see the imagery in a trusted institution suddenly crumbling. It was very similar to how I felt while deconstructing.

The Church has been acting on the basis that they're doing what's good, but all the while clinging to outdated and flawed methods that are doing damage instead. Black Honey by Thrice is about being under the impression that you are doing what's best for you but not realizing the damage being done by your own hands.

That song kept finding its way onto my radio while my two oldest sons and I drove to my alma mater for the last time. While there, we were able to attend a yard sale to support the displaced staff and I got to give my beloved professor a hug of encouragement. It was a special time of bonding with my sons and closure.

AUGUST

This year my husband and I had an overwhelming desire to create opportunities for our children in which they could pursue their interests. We wanted them to meet their heroes and see that dreams are attainable. My daughter is a natural ballerina and musician, so her hero is Lindsey Stirling. This year, because of our job changes, we were able to score VIP tickets.

In August, we invested in our daughter. We watched her meet her hero and fall more in love with dance.

Lindsey Stirling's song "Eye of the Untold Her" tells the story of Lindsey's journey to discover herself and the unique beauty she offers the world. When she began her journey she was publically critized on national television. She was told she'd never make it. Now she plays for a packed house and does arial work while playing the violin. The message in this song champions the theme of my year, it's worth the risk to be true to yourself and persevere. Keep reaching for those dreams, that's a truth I want my daughter to know.

SEPTEMBER

The stage and I go way back. I have for most of my life been rather musical. Until 2015.

After the birth of my daughter, a repressed trauma was unlocked in my brain. Since that time, whenever I would try to sing, I would weep.

In September our local theater was holding auditions for "Matilda" and my daughter wanted to try out. I went with her for moral support. She bravely stepped outside her shell and sang for a room full of strangers. I began to think, "What if I did this with her?"

So, putting aside my fears, I stood in a room full of strangers and sang. And I didn't shed one tear. I never thought I'd do that again.

My daughter and I are both ADHD. The song Quiet was written about the struggles of neurodiversity. So the song meant a lot to us to begin with, but now it represents a moment when we both stepped outside our comfort zone and were true to who we are.

OCTOBER

Since 2016 I have been in agony as I watch my fellow Christians follow a wolf in sheep's clothing. He has ripped the Church apart and is one of the reasons I began to deconstruct. He doesn't represent the love Christ would have us show.

The election had me asking some serious, albeit hypothetical, questions. To what degree will this man persecute those who don't stand for him? Do we stay and help others, or flee if he wins? These questions began to burden me and one night I begged God to tell me which was the right choice.

That night I dreamt of this song.

The next day I was in tears when I realized the lyrics.

I had an overwhelming feeling; that He was telling me we could choose. In that freedom, we chose to stay, stand for peace and protect others. This song is the most meaningful song of the year.

NOVEMBER

November 5th was a tragic day for us. All the anger built up over the years of deconstructing burst when Trump won. The Church has decided to legislate godliness. They've put their trust in a pretender and they're hurting those who don't believe.

Five Iron's "While Supplies Last" is a raging inditement on the Church and how they've missed the point. The point isn't to make people believe or agree, it's to show them the love of Christ. This song has helped us to grieve and draw a line in the sand.

DECEMBER

We end 2024 with uncertainty for our country, but we are determined to stand for what we believe in. God has been faithful and He has a plan. Sometimes He surprises us with His plan. He makes a way when we don't see one.

So Elated talks about this in their song about Zechariah, a man who waited his whole life to see the Messiah. When his dream was realized it wasn't in the way he thought it would be.

Likewise, this December my dream was realized. After building up seventy-eight hot shop hours, I applied and was offered the position of glass apprentice. I will officially be a glassblower. Indeed God's plans go off the beaten path.

2024 taught me that I can stand up for what's right, for myself and others. All because they took the stools.