Songs That Should Not Exist

There are so many songs I could add to this list.

1. “Friday” – Rebecca Black

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“Friday” is the aural equivalent of stepping barefoot on a Lego. Every note is a testament to what happens when ambition meets no discernible talent. The autotuned vocals are robotic, the lyrics read like a diary of a caffeinated thirteen-year-old, and the beat is an unrelenting metronome of despair. Listening to this song is simply unpleasant. It is an experience of existential torment wrapped in a pop veneer.

2. “Chinese Food” – Alison Gold

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A masterclass in tone-deafness, this song is a neon-colored assault on both taste and cultural awareness. The lyrics are aggressively banal yet somehow invasive, repeating the phrase “I love Chinese food” like a mantra designed to haunt your dreams. The melody is sugary enough to induce nausea. This is music that does not flirt with cringe. It moves in and makes itself at home, rearranging your sense of decency as it goes.

3. “The Fox (What Does the Fox Say?)” – Ylvis

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Here lies absurdity made flesh in auditory form. The electronic circus of nonsensical sounds masquerades as a song, and the fox vocalizations will claw at your eardrums long after the track ends. It is hypnotic in a way that feels malicious, an endless loop of silliness that threatens to fracture your perception of musical reality. Humor exists in abundance, but enjoyment is optional and fleeting.

4. “Baby” – Justin Bieber

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“Baby” is a study in repetition, pop monotony, and adolescent whining compressed into a factory-polished product designed to dominate the airwaves. The chorus repeats with relentless insistence, hammering the phrase “baby, baby, baby oh” into your subconscious like a poorly trained drill sergeant. Even the glossy production, meant to soothe, only serves to highlight the emptiness beneath. This is a song that can make millions simultaneously regret the existence of pop culture.

5. “Barbie Girl” – Aqua

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Bubblegum pop becomes a surrealist nightmare in “Barbie Girl.” The vocals are high-pitched, the beat thin and plasticky, and the world of Barbie’s shiny paradise is a sonic hallucination you cannot escape. Listening as an adult is an exercise in cognitive dissonance. The song gleams with artificiality so bright it hurts, a reminder that music can be both colorful and cruel.

Bonus Track (I Actually Like)

“One Less Lonely Girl” – Justin Bieber

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Even the author of “Baby” is capable of creating something sweet, simple, and genuinely charming. This is proof that the human capacity for musical brilliance and musical atrocity can exist side by side in a single artist, like oil and water reluctantly cohabitating.

Rationale

Each song on this list represents a different flavor of auditory torment. Rebecca Black embodies social-media-fueled horror, Alison Gold is cultural cringe set to an aggressive nursery rhyme, Ylvis delivers absurdist assault with a wink, Justin Bieber enforces overproduced monotony with mass appeal, and Aqua offers childlike hyper-pop that overstays its welcome. Listening to these songs in sequence is like watching a car crash in slow motion. Fascinating, horrifying, and profoundly regrettable. The bonus track reminds us that even creators of sonic nightmares can, fleetingly, reach for something beautiful.

Sam Spinelli's Unofficial challenge: Do Your Worst! (unbearable music recs) click link below to enter.

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