Reminiscing before the New Year

I stopped making or writing New Year's Resolutions in 2016. I had quit smoking on my own that year, then after about 2 months I fell off the wagon. I decided that year I wasn't going to fool myself anymore. I have a new tradition. Right after Christmas, I like to think back on the year and think ahead about the new year, and compare the lessons learned and goals still available for achievement. Thinking about a soundtrack of songs that represents the themes or moods of the past year is a great idea, so looking back at 2024 here is a month by month playback.

January 2024. "Flowers" by Miley Cyrus. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iawgB2CDCrw

I never thought I'd get married or divorced. On June 5, 2011, I was shocked that I tied the knot. In November 2023, I was just as shocked that it was officially over. Twelve years (give or take) of playing "wifey" and holding that title close to my heart. Marriage is the most difficult and rewarding "relationship" people can embark on. Some people can't get past the first year, while others make it last a lifetime. I did twelve years. When January came, I kept hearing Miley's song "Flowers" in my head as I was trying to find the strength and acceptance in my soul to let it be a lesson, and not the "end of the world". Nobody is perfect regardless what title they hold. The dream of a soul mate who will buy you flowers forever is a cheesy unrealistic dream. Though I had waited 22 adult years to finally get married, I still was not prepared for the challenges that come with marriage. We did the best we could and it ended as amicably as it had begun, which is good enough. When you find yourself alone after a long term romance has ended, "Flowers" is a great song to listen to as a reminder of your personal strength and that you are not the first to know what that experience is about.

February 2024. "Money" by Pink Floyd. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USZkNCoIXSQ

I've been listening to the music of Pink Floyd for most of my life. Most people know the song "Comfortably Numb" but that's not what was on my mind in February. While others were going on dates and buying each other red heart shaped boxes of chocolates, I was thinking about money. I had sold my beloved van (which had taken me on three amazing road trips in 2023) so that I could make some serious life changes. Though I absolutely love road tripping and the van was perfect for that, I was getting sick from pushing myself too hard for those trips. I was also depleting the little bit of money that I had to embark on those adventures. So I had to think more pragmatically and consider more affordable and safe options.

March 2024. "I Build This Garden for Us" by Lenny Kravitz. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3VhBNAhkl2g

I was born in New Jersey (also referred to as the Garden State, though most people don't know why). I live in Florida (also referred to as the Sunshine State, and everyone knows why) so I began to learn about gardening in 2022. The backyard where I live is small and has a steep slope and floods sometimes after a heavy rain. However, it has been like a school for me and a quiet, safe place where I like to sit and relax and think about life. As I spent 2022 on some garden experiments, I really got pretty good at it in 2024. I had created two flower beds and the plants and flowers were thriving. I had painted the white fence with thematic images and though my paintings were childish they brought life and color to the backyard. Some of the work was difficult, like carrying the heavy stones to create the fire pit and the flower beds. Some of the work was great exercise, like raking the leaves and mowed grass into piles and taking the trash bins out. I would sit back there and feel a sense of pride and peace. I would hear the Lenny Kravitz song play in my mind and I started calling the backyard "Peace Garden" which come to find out is another name for North Dakota, which I did not know as I've never been there.

April 2024. "Little Red Corvette" by Prince. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=stLjE2Hq77o

I had done some research and was very fortunate to find a used car that I could afford to obtain - a 2009 Kia Spectra. It was much smaller than my van, a four door tiny sport sedan with a hatchback trunk. I had never heard of the car, but once I drove it I knew I could enjoy it. I purchased it happily and felt that I had made a wise decision to save myself money as this small vehicle would cost much less in gas and I would not be as tempted to take road trips with this car and nearly empty pockets. The car was fast too and being lower to the ground made me feel like I was in a corvette. No, my Kia (affectionately named "Slurpy") is not red or a corvette. She's orange and not really considered a super sports car; But when I sit in her and drive around the song that I hear is "Little Red Corvette" because that's how she makes me feel. She's been much more expensive than I had hoped because there were unexpected repairs that were needed. Still, I'm glad that I acquired "Slurpy" - my little orange Spectra.

May 2024. "Don't" by Shania Twain. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4zts2EQB7e8

I have written about my mental illness and all the hospitalizations that I had to overcome. More than half of my life I've been contending with the disability and the medical treatments for it. I think it was in May when I was "Baker Acted" again and spent another two weeks at St. Anthony's hospital. I don't know why I got so depressed. Maybe it was because nobody cared about my 53rd birthday or maybe it was because I never liked "Mother's Day" or maybe it was because of the overwhelming expenses of the repairs I had to make for my car. Probably all three and more, but I fell into a deep, dark slump and ended up in the hospital again. The food was good, the bed was nice, the nurses were kind; But I hate the drugs they force us to take. I gained weight while I was improving my mood and attitude. That always happens. Yet, I knew I didn't want to argue with anyone. It was nobody's fault, not even mine. Regardless if I agree with others or not, fighting about it only makes it worse. So I remembered Shania's song. I'd rather bloody my fist punching the wall, then get into another useless argument that changes nothing.

June 2024. "Patience" by Guns and Roses. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NhBWXyIocq4

After I was released from the hospital, I knew that I still had to repair the car. It wasn't going to happen in a snap or overnight. I had to plan my budget and ask for help. I had to have patience. I got some help from my Aunt and from my Ex. They both shared what they could in money and time and eventually my car started getting the attention it deserved. I kept thinking about G&R's song whenever I felt stressed or weary. Just be patient, I told myself and could hear Slash playing the guitar. When the car was running, I had to be patient also. Don't rush, don't drive too fast, slow down. Put your seatbelt on. Pay attention. You don't need any speeding tickets or accidents. You can't afford it. Take it easy, be patient. Patience is the most needed virtue during life's hard times.

July 2024. "Fight for Your Right" by The Beastie Boys. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DGRemW4bEgs

July was a weird month. Summer is not my favorite season, especially in Florida. I felt alone, bored, useless, and poor. I couldn't find a job, I had no social life, and it was very hot with no a/c in the car. I didn't want to go to the beach like everybody else, and I couldn't afford to do any of the super fun stuff that comes to mind. I started going to church. The Pastor was very nice and they even threw a 4th of July party which I attended with my Ex who is also a member of that church. I got overwhelmed by the sounds of firecrackers and fireworks and I wanted to go home back to my "Peace Garden" but I knew that I was an inconvenience because everyone else was enjoying the party and having a good time. That's when I realized how important it was to have my car running and to drive myself to events. It's not just the invitation that counts. It's the freedom to leave when you want to. The Beastie Boys song runs though my mind a lot when I think about people and social life. We are all so hypocritical. Freedom isn't free, that's for sure.

August 2024. "Money for Nothing" by Dire Straits. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tb9mA2nLogI

Summer was almost over. I was still sweating in my Kia with no a/c. I was going back and forth in my mind about car insurance: Basic for $120 per month or Full Coverage for $200 per month. I was still counting nickels and dimes. Between gas for the month (about $175) and full coverage insurance for the month ($200) and repairs, I was spending about $450 per month to drive my 2009 Kia Spectra with no a/c in the 99 degree Florida weather. I get less than a minimum wage full time worker per month for my Social Security check. Would it have been better if I was like Taylor Swift or Beyonce? Some rich superstar who never has to worry about such petty things? I don't know, but Dire Straits at least understands my thoughts and feelings. Not only was I still paying a fortune to keep my car running and legit, but I also had to pay for a ticket that I had gotten in Georgia for being in the right lane when I wasn't supposed to be. Considering I've been driving since 1986 and still have the privilege, and considering I've owned over 15 used cars, I definitely relate to "Money for Nothing" as the most definitive rock and roll song of my life, not just the year of 2024. "Look at them yoyos. That's the way you do it. Play the guitar on the MTV. Money for nothing, and your chicks for free."

September 2024. "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" by Meatloaf. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7MHSI_Z1MWw

I had spent most of the year focused on my car. I had looked for a job for three years and realized that was never going to happen. Then as summer was ending and the school kids went back in school, I started thinking about romance again. What kind of romance could a mentally-ill 53-year-old retired divorcee hope to have? Was there anything like that in the cards for me? Did I want a Sugar Daddy? Why would he want me? Did I want to walk on the wild side? No, not really, because I know that I get emotionally attached quickly. Did I want to look for Husband number 2? Um, that doesn't seem like a great idea, considering that I'm still living with my Ex and the kind of husband that I would want probably wouldn't want me. So now what? No romance? I guess I'll just go to the bar and sing a duet with some stranger. Yeah! Let's sing "Paradise by the dashboard light" by Meatloaf. Somehow that will make sense of my predicament.

October 2024. "Rock You Like a Hurricane" by The Scorpions. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pXLfsJDEWGY

https://www.jacksonville.com/story/weather/hurricane/2024/10/18/florida-hurricanes-debby-helene-milton-tie-record-landfalls/75718304007/

Well, August, September, and October brought lots of destruction with three Hurricanes: Debbie, Helene, and Milton. I had "weathered" the trauma of Debbie and Helene, but Slurpy and I headed out of state when we got word about Milton. I just couldn't take it anymore. Though I didn't want to go on another road trip with limited funds and Slurpy not being completely up to par (still no a/c, still had a broken handle, still had no wiper fluid squirter) I just could not brave a third hurricane. I slept in the back seat of my car up at the Georgia/South Carolina border. I watched Hurricane Milton on the radar tracker on my cell phone and when it had passed Florida, I made my way back home. Yeah, The Scorpions song was jamming in my brain as I drove all those miles. However, when I returned to see the damages, it was not a rock n roll dance that I felt - just more sadness that I had to contend with as I tried to avoid being baker-acted for depression. Oh yeah, October 2024 marked 14 years of knowing and calling my Ex "family". Halloween was ruined. I didn't even get to work for "Howl o Scream" even though I was accepted. Broke again.

November 2024. "Something in the Way" by Nirvana. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hg5behq8PlM

So what's November known for? Thanksgiving Day. The last Turkey Day I spent with family at the table had been in 2021 when my brother-in-law was still alive. He had died of some kind of overdose right here at our home while he was staying with us in 2022. Though three years had passed, I had not celebrated Thanksgiving Day in any traditional or family style way since then. All I do is think about a buffet somewhere or make a turkey sandwich and sit alone hearing the haunting sounds of Nirvana's "Something in the Way". Gratitude is such a mysterious feeling.

December 2024. "Grandma got run over by a Reindeer" by Dr. Elmo. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yR7N-_zGsP4

Christmas time again, and I'm all alone. That's okay. I put up decorations, listened to Christmas music, and thought about the people I've loved the most especially my mother and my son. My mother hated Dr. Elmo's song, but I always thought it was funny. Since this year December brought me mostly just terrible back pain instead of the winning scratch off ticket, I really enjoyed listening to Dr. Elmo's song. I wrote some sequel songs and poetry to his story about Grandma and the reindeer. I even got some Egg Nog and enjoyed that, all alone. Hey, at least I still have my sense of humor and good taste in music.

Happy New Year to all you readers and writers here at Vocal. May the soundtrack of your upcoming year be everything you hope it will be.