My Saviour Is Me

There it is again, tall dead grass, so tall I can't see over it. There are gravel roads, each road splits into another, but there was only a forward or a backward. The sun is scorching when I go backward. I know this path; it leads me to a house where malice lurks behind the curtains. It's raining and dark out when I go forwards. I follow the path to a payphone, where I frantically dial buttons on the keypad but I can't see. It rains harder by this stage, and a truck pulls up beside me. A tall, broad-shouldered man slams his truck door and starts to run at me. He leaves his engine running. I can't see him, the glare from his headlights bounces off the raindrops. I have to run, but I'm running blind. 

I no longer have this nightmare.

I would wake up sweating, breathing so hard my chest hurt, and sometimes I wouldn't be breathing at all. Flashbacks of a trauma educed childhood flooded my imagination. At one point my spirit felt as though it wanted to escape from my mind's eye. I admitted I needed help.

The yelling in my head screaming at me "NO!" Could not drown out the faint whisper of hope pleading to me "please try."

"It was just the air I was used to breathing, I had no idea it was toxic."-Ariel Bloomer (book: TURN YOUR PAIN INTO ART). Growing up in an abusive environment was stressful, and this line from Ariel Bloomer's book resonated with me. When I first heard it, I remembered when I wouldn't question the ways I was being treated. Until someone pointed out that it was wrong. Only then did I start looking at my situation differently. While my journey started a year ago, a couple of months prior I wanted to give up on myself again. My partner then introduced me to Icon For Hire, a rock and alternative band. Ariel Bloomer is the lead singer in this band. She sang as if she knew exactly what I was going through, though I knew it couldn't have been the same. Listening to the band and her audiobook brought me comfort. We are on a healing journey together, and I'm not the only one who struggles with the process. She inspired me to get my voice heard by anyone that would listen. I made a video blog talking about abuse awareness, and sharing my experiences. To let other people out there who have been in similar situations know that they can also be free from that toxicity. Where first we were the victims, then the survivors, and now we are the warriors of our own lives. This is why Ariel Bloomer inspires me.

The Demons

 The ground shook violently. They tried making me weak from the immobility the forced on me. The rooms I saw changed into different ones. They tried to manipulate what I could see, and the directions I was going. They screeched like banshees. They tried deafening me from the aching in my ears they gifted to me. They pretended to be lost, hurt children in need of my help. They threatened the people I care about, and tried to kill them. They tried to kill me... Guess what. "You can't, you can't kill us!"-Icon For Hire (song: You Can't Kill Us).

These demons I dream of were resilient in their pursuit to ruin my conscious and subconscious. They were trying to wreck my morals, my beliefs, and my ethics. "Fight back your demons don't let them take you down!"-Icon For Hire (song: Demons). Ariel Bloomer signs these songs passionately, and they made these invisible experiences that much more meaningful. The demons only I could see felt as though they had more purpose for being present in my life. They couldn't shake my morals or beliefs of which are different from my family and friends. "Staying true to your unique voice is not negotiable. Sometimes that can clash with faith." -Ariel Bloomer (book: TURN YOUR PAIN INTO ART). I wouldn't be able to find, or fight the demons in my mind if I kept pretending to be someone I wasn't. Eventually, I found my path, and staying true to myself has guided me to where the demons have been hiding. One by one I am confronting them, fighting them, and conquering them. "I'll fight, fight, fight, or be taken out alive." -Icon For Hire (song: Fight). One day I may be confident enough to confront the real demons in my life. When that day comes, I will put on my Viking war paint, do up my Viking hair, and prepare for battle with Icon For Hire's music playing in the background. 

The Little Girl

The first time I saw her, she ran away from me. She is five or six years old. Her hair is curly and blonde, her eyes a brilliant bright blue, and her skin is a fair white pigment. She usually wore white, and the clothes varied between a dress and a white shirt with blue shorts. She frequently ran into trouble, and I would do my best to try and save her. I would barely succeed because of an army that was surrounding her. They used brute force to prevent me from freeing this girl. I no longer have dreams of protecting her. I just assumed she was someone who needed my help. I didn't realize who and how important she was. "I can still see this little lost girl inside and I don't know how to help her, I don't know what to do." -Icon For Hire (song: You Can't Kill Us). That was true for me too when I was trying to rescue, and protect this girl. The healing process I've experienced at this stage went three ways, this being the first.

The second way was when I was the little girl, looking up at an older version of me. That was one of the last, and the only dream I had like that.

The third way involves flashbacks. Flashbacks have been a large part of my life due to my CPTSD. The ones that connect here, however, are different from the ones I would normally experience. These consisted of me in the present, looking at me in the past. I wanted to help her. I wanted to comfort her. "Oh my god, I am so heartbroken that you feel this way about yourself." -Ariel Bloomer (book: TURN YOUR PAIN INTO ART). I wanted to tell her how important she is. I wanted to let her know that I love her. The flashback would fade away before I could say anything. I spoke to my psychiatrist about this occurrence. She assured me that it was a normal step in my healing process. She explained to me that what I have been trying to do for the five-year-old Amber, is what my psychiatrist is succeeding in doing for the adult Amber. She is helping me organize my thoughts, my pain, and aiding me in heal from it. That's what I'm now doing for the five-year-old Amber, letting her know that she isn't alone anymore. "Oh my God, thank you. I'm not the only one." -Ariel Bloomer (book: TURN YOUR PAIN INTO ART).

There it is again, a beautiful starry night, illuminated by the glow of a purple moon. I know where I am. Am I alone? I must be. I can only hear the creek and crickets around me. I feel free from the prying, judgmental eyes of my family. Free from the abuse they have inflicted on me. I feel calm and happy. I slowly float off the ground, and I start to fly.

I don't have this dream anymore either. It was one of the best ones I've had, even if the landing earned me a few cuts and bruises. I try to think about the dreams that brought me peace during those times when I struggle now. I am learning to be patient with myself. I am healing. "It's about learning to face your past and grow into your future. It's about getting to know yourself well enough to stop unhealthy cycles and habits. -Ariel Bloomer (book: TURN YOUR PAIN INTO ART). I am doing my best to stop projecting my family's behaviour on others. I was a victim of it. I used their behaviour as a means to survive around them. I don't have to do that anymore because now, I am a warrior. Ariel Bloomer set out on a mission to tell her listeners that she can see them. I want to do that for men and women like me too. That is why Ariel Bloomer inspires me.