My Actual Teen Angst Playlist

When I was 15, I was very proud of my gigantic library of .mp3s from LimeWire stored on my trusty iPod classic. My friends called it the brick, and a brick it was. I would throw that thing into my backpack that was littered with broken colored pencils, composition notebooks, and silly bandz. It may have been dented and abused, but it never stopped working.

Teen Angst was my middle name. I would litter my notebooks with lyrics from my favorite bands and burn CDs with my favorite songs to swap them with my friends. My AIM screen name was lyricalxliex33, a reference to one of my favorite bands at the time: Cute is What We Aim For. This is a conversation that occurred when my mother accosted me in my room while I was listening to music on my purple stereo covered with stickers I got from Warped Tour:

My mom: Which whiny boy band is this? The Fall Out Boys?

Me: Cute is What We Aim For.

My mom: What?!

Me: Cute is What We Aim For.

My mom: Cuticle Water Two by Four???

Me: *hands mom cd case so she can read it for herself and leave me alone to be quietly apathetic*

There was also another incident where I had written down the lyrics to the song "Dead!" by My Chemical Romance in my short time slot on the family computer. My dad found the sheet of lined paper with the lyrics, thought I wrote them, and then asked me if I wanted to kill myself and if he should be worried. He was only slightly relieved when he realized they were not my words, but lyrics from a band I liked. Honestly, my parents both deserve an award for getting through my teenage years.

For purposes of authenticity, I searched through some of my burnt CDs that survived that era. I have an old car so I can still listen to them while I drive. Here is my ultimate teen angst playlist, taken directly from my CD mixes burned from 2007-2010:

Hawthorne Heights - Ohio Is For Lovers

This is truly an emo classic that makes me cringe and sing along simultaneously, even today. My biggest question... who is actually nostalgic about growing up in Ohio? Isn't that the most boring place ever?

Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - Face Down

14 year old me vaguely understood that this song was about domestic abuse. My brother and I would sing this song when my mom yelled at our beagle Red for trying to sneak food off the table. She would shout at him and he would walk away with his tail between his legs and a heartbroken look in his eyes. We would go FACE DOWN IN THE DIRT! RED SAYS THIS DOESN'T HURT! Looking back at it now, it maybe wasn't the most appropriate comparison but it would make us laugh every time. Side note: my mother NEVER hit my dog, only yelled at him occasionally.

Fall Out Boy - It's Hard to Say I Do, When I Don't

This is a Fall Out Boy deep cut, a B-side to their 2007 pre-hiatus album Infinity on High. When I first heard this song, I felt as if I had discovered a hidden gem, a page right out of Pete Wentz's diary. I thought this line was so clever: The only ring I want buried with me are the ones around my eyes. Now it's impossible for me not to notice the grammatical errors in that sentence.

I would be remiss if I failed to mention Fall Out Boy in this playlist, as they were my all-time favorite band as a teenager. Pete Wentz is an excellent songwriter and occasionally I still listen to them. I remember crying in the bathtub when they announced their hiatus, which was reserved for my saddest teenage moments.

Taking Back Sunday - Make Damn Sure

Taking Back Sunday was definitely one of my favorite bands in my teenage years. I played the album Louder Now over and over, so many times that the CD stopped working after a while and I had to get another one. This is the most popular song on the album, and for a good reason. This one hits hard every. single. time. Sing it with me folks. I'm gonna make damn.... sure.... that you don't ever leave... no you won't EVER get too far from me you won't EVER GET TOO FAR FROM ME

My Chemical Romance - To The End

I loved all of My Chemical Romance songs but this was definitely one of my favorites. I remember one time during my freshman year of high school my teacher played "To The End" after we read the short story it references, "A Rose for Emily" by William Faulkner. I thought she was the coolest teacher who ever walked the earth. Aren't English teachers the best?

Cute Is What We Aim For - There's a Class for This

Wow. Just wow. I'm surprised the singer of this band didn't injure his neck with the amount of hair flipping that went on in this video. This band disappeared into the early 2000s ether after this album, but their memory lives on, contributing to my most hormone-fueled teenage years.

The Academy Is... - Slow Down

I discovered The Academy Is... when the singer William Beckett appeared in the Fall Out Boy music video for "A Little Less 16 Candles, a Little More Touch Me". Like all of my teenage crushes, the singer was completely androgynous. My pansexuality came alive with the gangly, skinny jean-clad, hair-flipping emo singers of days past, including this one.

Flyleaf - I'm So Sick

I have a vivid memory of this kid in my science class in 8th grade passing me a note and asking me to be the singer of his band. I responded with a resounding yes and he told me he wanted me to sing like the girl from Flyleaf. I've practiced this very song so many times in my room to my mirror, yet the band never came to fruition. If there's anyone out there who wants to start a Flyleaf cover band, hit me up.

30 Seconds to Mars - The Kill (Bury Me)

I purchased my 97' Ford Thunderbird my sophomore year of high school and I was finally free. This song would come on the local alternative rock radio station I would listen to on my way to school and I would scream the lyrics every single time. The build-up was so intense! COMe.... BREAk ME Dowwnn... BURY ME BURY ME I. AM. FINISHED. WITH. YOWWWWWWWWW

AFI - Love Like Winter

As a teenager, I was obsessed with AFI and especially this album. It was so chilling, from the artwork to the lyrics, to the beautiful videos. I still greatly respect AFI as a band and consider them foundational in my musical interests. I admire the singer's confident gender-bending aesthetic and the poetic lyrics of the songs. Once again, my confused, budding pansexual inner monologue argued, "do I want to be WITH Davey Havok, or do I want to BE Davey Havok?"

Underoath - Writing on the Walls

From the first time I saw this music video, the demented dollhouse of childhood trauma was burned into my memory for all eternity. Just say the word Underoath and this video comes to mind. That being said, I still love this song and still think the video is artistically stunning. It's haunting and leaves me with so many questions, matching a dark hole in my chest that I painfully remember every time I hear it.

Pierce the Veil - Yeah Boy and Doll Face

The singer of this band literally sounds like he's on helium, yet I still love this song despite myself. It was just the kind of depressing melodrama that captured my teenage heart. It was also the type of music that made my mother roll her eyes the most.

The Used - The Taste of Ink

Did I save the best for last? Absolutely. I remember when I saw The Used at Warped Tour and it happened to be Bert McCraken's birthday. An entire birthday cake was crowd surfed through the audience until everyone was covered in cake and sticky frosting.

Afterward, the band was kind enough to sit in the hot sun and sign autographs for every single person in line. When I finally got to Bert, I shakily told him what I had been practicing in my head for hours. I told him that his music had saved my life, and truly felt like all the feelings I had but couldn't put into words. I told him how his short stories inspired me to write my own. After he listened to me, he asked, "can I give you a hug?" and I said yes.

It was truly one of the kindest, most honest exchanges I've had with a musician. As a young, naive girl interacting with a band, none of my boundaries were crossed. I was talked to respectfully and was asked permission before breaking a physical barrier to give me a hug, something that I found to be sadly rare later on.

In the years to follow, I would become a music journalist and photographer, going to hundreds of shows and talking to dozens of musicians that I admired. My exchange with Bert McCraken of the Used stood out to me as the most heartwarming and affirming.

Teenage Angst Will Always Be a Part of Me

I still know the words to all of these songs. I still relate to the lyrics and see them as a vessel for expressing my own buried emotions. It's been over a decade since I've been diagnosed with chronic depression; sadness is nothing new to me. Finding healthy coping mechanisms is one of the most difficult tasks for those who suffer from mental illness. I respect anyone who is vulnerable enough to scream their inner pain into a crowd of thousands. As I grow older and my musical tastes evolve, I'll always return to my teen angst playlist on days I need to feel heard, understood, and validated.