GN'R

When I was 15-years-old, there was something about the rock band Guns N' Roses that connected with my soul immediately. I remember being introduced to the band's rock music in the early 1990s. My cousin Keith had the "Appetite for Destruction" album and we listened to it over and over again. We would sneak out away from our family gatherings and listen to explicit lyrics that our parents considered "inappropriate." We would make sure to be out of ear shot in order to be able to vocalize all of the inappropriate words. Guns N' Roses was rock music, and it was meant to be played loud. Keith and I would belt out "Welcome to the Jungle!" as we imitated Axl Rose's identifiable voice. I thought Axl was incredible to watch as a lead singer. He was a loose cannon and was sometimes displayed aggressive behaviors, but I admired him for some reason and his music brought something out of me. He sings from his heart, and no matter what someone is singing, I cannot help but listen. Axl spoke to me in those days with some of his lyrics. I was a teenager, and I felt that the world never seemed to give me a fair shake because of my age. I did not have the confidence that Axl had to fight back in song, but it somehow comforted me to know that someone else felt the same angst. Aside from Axl Rose, one particular band member of GN'R always caught my attention more than the rest of the group. Slash, the lead guitarist, became a significant influence in my life. He wore his signature black top hat atop his long curly black hair. His hair covered much of his face and he frequently wore mirrored sunglasses. He would frequently be seen with a cigarette hanging from his mouth while jamming on the electric guitar. He was the epitome of cool to me for some reason. I played the flute, and was a strong musician, as I had played since I was in the third grade. I knew that I had the ability to play that guitar like Slash, but always dreamt of standing on stage and inspiring others with impressive riffs. I can play easily "by ear," and even messed around with a guitar early in my life and learned a few chords. My girl friends were all listening to boy bands and top 40 hits, and I wanted desperately to be a lead guitarist just like Slash. It was as if Slash did not care in the least what others thought, and was totally incognito. When playing the guitar it appears he is making love, and his passion for music is evident and written all over his face. Even only seeing his lips, he is puckering and almost talking to his guitar as he effortlessly plays. He is an incredible guitar soloist. When the band would pose for their poster photos, many of which hung from my wall when I was a young girl, Slash was the chill guy. I could imagine how incredible it would be to play guitar like that, while captivating and exciting a large audience. To this day, his guitar solos make me close my eyes and revisit my dreams of being a confident musician, playing rock music and inspiring a large crowd of onlookers.

A few short weeks ago, at 45 years of age, I purchased my first guitar for my own birthday. Some may consider it a mid-life crisis move, and thankfully at this age I do not care about the opinions of others quite as much. I went into the store on my own, and bought my very own acoustic guitar. I named her Charlotte. She is able to hook up to an amp, but I am not quite ready to play that loud. I also purchased a GN'R song book, and a strap with red roses and skulls on it; a tip of the hat to my idols. I am a middle-aged woman finding myself carrying my guitar all over the place. I play Charlotte on breaks at work, in the car, at home, in the park, and in the middle of the woods. One time I fell asleep playing while on my couch after work. My favorite song, by Guns N' Roses, is entitled "Patience." I am not particularly good at the instrument yet, but I play Patience every time I have the opportunity. There are multiple riffs that I am working on and feel frustrated because I want to play the whole song. Quite literally, I need patience! I love strumming those strings and listening to the depth of the sound within the belly of the instrument. I close my eyes and imagine playing like Slash, effortlessly and incognito, just doing what he loves. He is feeling his own music and it is beautiful. I play his riffs so slowly and try hard to keep up with the timing, which is impressive. I have the chords down, but I am pushing myself hard to play the riffs and sweet combinations of sounds on the recordings. There is nothing angry about this beautiful song, as at 45 I am trying to find peace more than war.

At 15 years of age, the song "Welcome to the Jungle," by Guns N' Roses, spoke to me as I struggled through an adolescent time of struggle and anger at things in our society that I realized were not okay at a very young age. I was a good kid, but I knew early on that society was not fair to everyone and that always pissed me off. I felt that even though I had a lot to say, no one took me seriously as a young lady. Singing the "F" word to GN'R while hiding in the back of my uncle's car, I felt freedom. I felt like I was able to express my voice loudly, even if only in the confines of my uncle's van while singing with my little cousin.

I would have been categorized as a "band geek" by default of serving as a marching band member while in high school. I never felt like I quite fit in anywhere, which seems to be a common feeling for young people. I know now that there is no category for anyone, and I am a musician with a voice now. There is no need to fit in, especially when you were meant to stand out. I work as a school counselor, and try every day to inspire young people to speak up and feel empowered to finally change this world for the better. There are still many things about our world that are hurtful but I am making my own impact by helping a lot of hurting teenagers through my role. I like listening to what music the kids listen to, because it speaks to them and their own struggles. It does not matter what genre, I have learned that music is deeply personal. I am not saying that GN'R always portrayed a positive message to young people, but they were willing to be brave enough to speak out through their music. I admire their passion and love of music. Guns N' Roses reached me early on and made me feel oddly empowered. I continue to play my guitar "Charlotte" and dream of playing sweet riffs just like my idol, Slash. In the meantime, my love of GN'R will be forever.