Bone to be wild

Now, don’t think I’m a complete weirdo, but graveyards are one of my favourite places in the world. On top of that, Halloween has got to be my favourite holiday. I love everything about it; the costumes, the candy (chocolate, namely), the vibe. I’m a huge baker, so whenever Halloween comes around I’m eager to whip out my famous pumpkin pie recipe, the one that everyone except me hates (more for me, I guess), my old witches broom, and a few classic movies and books to get me through the spooky season (think Buffy the vampire slayer, and The Graveyard Book by Niel Gaimen). Of course, I mustn’t forget the Halloween playlist to get me in the mood …

However, I know not everyone likes Halloween … so here, let me try to convert you over to the dark side …

Now come away with me, back to the 2000s when the Halloween costumes were the cringiest …. And let me set the scene to show you what the best kind of Halloween looks like …

It’s October the 31st. You’re standing on the street next to your local graveyard … it’s just hit the gloaming time and the cloudless sky is a mix of misty purples, darkening blues, and a touch of gold on the horizon where the sun is beginning to set.

You’re an hour late to the party, and feeling a bit awkward standing there in your Lobster get-up (you’ve always wanted to be a lobster for Halloween, now this is your chance). A young mother and her little-mermaid-costume clad toddler are staring at you. You give - what you hope - is a disarming smile, but the woman just glares.

You’re just about to consider turning back when you hear it -

I saw werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand

Walking through the streets of SoHo in the rain

He was looking for the place called Lee Ho Fooks

For to get a big dish of beef chow mein

-and you know you’re in the right place.

You follow the music and make your way towards the house on the corner of the street. People are spilling out of it. You see at least ten vampires and two ghosts. The sound of Warren Zevon’s ‘Werewolves of London’ cuts through the twilight.

What a song to set the mood!

You could just howl at the moon with the thrill of it. Shimmying to the music, waving your lobster claws (repurposed red oven mits) around above your head … you begin to dance.

The song begins to wind down as even more people spill into the crowded house. Someone hands you a cup filled with green popcorn. There’s a moment of silence before the next song starts. Everyone pauses trying to place the new tune … then they scream as they realise what it is -

Very superstitious,

Writing's on the wall,

Very superstitious,

Ladders bout' to fall,

Thirteen month old baby,

Broke the lookin' glass

Seven years of bad luck,

The good things in your past

“What a classic,” the ghoul next to you says, “I love this song!”

You begin your dancing again with renewed vigour between bites of green popcorn, as Stevie Wonder’s ‘Superstitious’ plays.

At the end of the song you’re beginning to feel a little weary. You head upstairs, pushing between throngs of people. You bump into an over-zealous witch, who glares at you from under a fake wart and hisses “Watch it!”

Opening the door to an empty bathroom you sit down on the floor and rest your head … and that’s when you hear it … a heavy drum beat …

Say hello to the night

Lost in the shadows

Say hello to the night

Lost in the loneliness

Say hello to the night

Lost in the shadows

No one knows

… an absolute ripper …

The theme song from a Halloween classic.. The Lost Boys …

As Lou Gramm’s ‘Lost in The Shadows’ plays you really feel like you could be a vampire. A vampire lobster.

You rest your head against the wall and let the music wash over you.

You make your way out of the bathroom. Bumping into a dancing ghostie as you go. The sky in the window next to you is dark. The stars glint at you, sparkling with the light of Halloween.

Another song begins to play. It’s slow with strong beat, and it makes you smile. A lyrical girls voice cuts through the gloom:

Got a black magic woman

Got a black magic woman

I've got a black magic woman

Got me so blind I can't see

You make your way out to the porch of the house, and sit beside a grinning jack’o lantern. Its guttering candle light casts flickers of buttery warmth over dancing monsters in the front yard. The rhythm of ‘Black Magic Woman’ by VCTRY buoys you.

Picking up on the tail of the very last song, a new tune begins. It’s the third to last song of the night and it flings out in a sonic groove of electro beats and vintage Halloween lyrics.

White on white translucent black capes

Back on the rack

Bela lugosi's dead

The bats have left the bell tower

The victims have been bled

Red velvet lines the black box

Bela lugosi's dead

CHVCHES ‘Bela Lugosi’s Dead’ thrums as you pick up your feet and begin to dance again.

From the end of that electro-pop banger, the next song strums to life. It’s strong and you think you might’ve heard it before but you can’t remember where.

You startle as a grim reaper swings their sycthe in the air.

What a convincing costume! You think.

Even though you can’t quite place the song , you’re still eager to dance to. You swing your arms in a ghostly wave and can’t help but feel a little chilled by the mornful sounds of ringing out around you… Jen Titus’s rendition of ‘Oh Death’ makes you feel as if you’ve been transported. Rather than being in a cramped house, you’re in the undercroft of an ancient church, or you’re in the stone circle of some Druid rite. You close your eyes and let the song take you to far away places.

You groove to the music, despite the fact that your lobster gear is starting to itch a little bit, and you’re starting to sweat a lot.

It’s past your bed time and you just want to lie down. You have to get up early tomorrow and your bed is starting to seem like the place you want to be.

You’re getting tired but you think that you’ve got one more song in you.

And, oh boy, you’re glad you stayed because this one is the best yet. If ever there was a better more Halloween-y song you’ve never heard it …

I was working in the lab, late one night

When my eyes beheld an eerie sight

For my monster from his slab, began to rise

And suddenly to my surprise

Because it wouldn’t be Halloween without Boby Picketts ‘Monster Mash’.

With that, you stretch out of your last dance and glance at the clock - well what do you know, it’s the witching hour.

Ah, what a Halloween!

I hope you’ve got a taste now of what Halloween should be. What can I say. We were bone to be wild!

Thanks for joining the party!