2024: The Saga Continues

As midnight hit and 2024 began, the struggle to leave the sorrow and pain of 2023 behind was an all too familiar challenge these days. January 1, 2024 was here and I was still here... but how much of me was there left at this point? Year after year of fighting challenge after challenge without any breaks; 2024 found me with barely anything left to give. My soundtrack of the year began with me feeling like I was "Breaking Inside".

As I fought to claw my way up from the shattered mess that 2023 left me in, I still had hope that 2024 would bring something better... something good for once. I had hope that 2024 would bring new opportunities and challenges that I would overcome and come out of with my head above water. I was confident that regardless of the hell 2023 had put me through, I had hope that 2024 would be different. I completed my Rauhnächte ritual leading up to the new year; I knew 2024 would be different and I would come out on top. I would rise like a "Skyscraper" no matter what tried to break me.

This small ray of hope was short lived as work struggles continued to get worse rather than better. Money struggles were not improving, and my car engine seized up and would require more than the car was worth to fix it. I took each hit and continued to navigate for solutions - good and bad ones. Bad one being getting into an excruciatingly high monthly payment and interest car loan for a new vehicle; but I needed a car and it was the only option.

As January - February 2024 continued, I became more and more increasingly frustrated over the bullshit Capitalism system that America runs on. I watched my employer favor family and church members with cushy jobs, raises and a lack of work required in return; while on the flipside, I was pushed to work long hours, berated if I messed up any little thing, and threatened with a loss of employment if I dared mention my preferred pronouns to anyone at work. "Money" indeed is the root of all evil, or rather the power we allow it to give people.

As my confidence and hope for better continued to exist, the Universe decided to knock me down a few more notches by tossing in some good ol' family drama back into the mix for 2024. This time it changed it up though. This time it nearly took my father from me at the hands of my sister, her husband and their kids. My father had a stroke at the start of 2023, and then he suffered another one midway through that year. He was no longer able to live alone, and he refused to come live with me out of state. My sister promised to take care of him. I knew that I shouldn't trust her but I had no other choice and he made his decision. It almost cost him his life. April brought a text from my sister saying he was in the hospital with pneumonia, but not to worry because "he's fine".

I called the hospital to check in on him and was shocked by their relief to have contact with a family member of his. They told me that he was dropped off there and no information was given to them, and the contact name and number left was just going to voicemail. The name of the contact was not one I recognized either, apparently my sister decided it was better to use a fake name than her real name when she brought him nearly starved to death to the ER. This family betrayal left me feeling utterly "Broken Inside" because it was all too familiar and I could not believe I was dealing with this bullshit again even though I was 2000 miles away from those people.

As the family drama and work drama continued, my heartbreak and broken spirit began to feel flames of the phoenix burning from the depths of my soul. The shattered mess rose up in anger and fire as I found a desire to fight. My sister was determined to get my father back into her home, and I was not letting that happen. Work was looking to cut hours and pay and I was done with that bullshit too. I put in my notice as May began and told my sister I was ready to fight against her to make sure she could never hurt my father again. The time of "Bring It" had begun.

As May and June continued, the back and forth drama continued with my sister and she went after my 70 year old aunt who was trying to protect my father. She also nearly got me arrested and my drivers license suspended by impersonating me when she got pulled over back in my home state. The lovely notice I received from the DMV in June saying that I needed to surrender myself to the local PD for a warrant and that my license was suspended left me very unamused. At one point, I threatened my sister and told her in no uncertain terms that IF she continued to be around my dad and IF anything happened to him while she was around him, I would personally make sure she disappeared for good. I hated that my anger got to that level but I was over it and I just wanted to "Break Stuff" over her fucking head until I felt better.

As the anger began to slowly subside, I was left feeling with the guilt over allowing myself to feel such a negative emotion to the point that I wished harm on another. It was a violation of all that I've fought to become, it left a stain on my soul. As 2024 continued, the family drama settled and my father was safe living in an assisted living facility that my other sister runs. My hopefulness on the job front was quickly diminishing though as I hit dead end after dead end. By August, I was feeling pretty bruised and broken again. After being confident that I could find a better job, it was extremely disheartening to realize that may not happen.

The disappointment of being interviewed for over 50 positions out of the 200 that I applied for both locally and remote since May, and not getting a job offer from any of them left me feeling lost. I was losing hope little by little and I did not know what to do. I was falling apart, barely breathing and just trying to keep my head above water as much as I could while everything began to pull me under. 2024 had been a very rough year to this point, and I was trying to have faith, and trying to find myself, and just trying to "Breath Me" back to full again.

September 2024 entered and with it a continued feeling of defeat and worthlessness, but I kept it hidden under a front of strength. I walled up my emotions, refused to let a tear leave my eyes, even when I knew that I needed to release the pain. I pretended that everything was fine, I smiled, laughed and just played the part for the next couple of months while keeping myself as busy as I could with meaningless tasks. I barely slept, as insomnia mixed with anxiety attacks hit hardest in the middle of the night. I just kept "Standing in the Rain" that no one could see falling behind my eyes. It was all I could do to keep myself from completely falling apart.

By November 2024, I was struggling but I still had a tiny strand of hope... after all, history was going to be made with this United States election - or at least I thought. When November 5th came and went, the ugly reality hit me - my country had chosen hate and hypocrisy over empathy and love. I was devastated, and in that moment, the dam broke and I cried for the first time in months. November 2024 left me gutted, broken, shattered and without any hope left to hold onto. "Untitled" became the only description I could think of for the shell I was at that point.

As the final month of the year arrived, I was sure that 2024 had one goal... it was "Killin' Me". As I saw the ugly in the world on full display, my empathic heart was writhing in agony.

Yet, as the final days wind down, I find myself feeling a familiar spark, just barely there through the darkness. One little spark still resides within my soul despite everything that sought to destroy me this year. I know that I will find "Beauty From Pain" and that spark will grow if I keep fighting to keep it lit as I bid farewell to 2024.