Kim Mayer
Bio
I am someone very special. I am a beautiful, kind and loving woman. I am a birth mom a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend and a healer. I help women heal and teach women to trust their hearts because hearts are good.
Stories (2)
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How Art helped Heal my Heart
My Journey The Genesis of Sacred & Treasured and How Art Has Helped Heal My Heart March 2018 By Kim Mayer I was raised in a family of violence and secrets. When I was age 12 my parents stopped drining and started going to church instead. It was different, it was safer, yet I did not embrace it because my parents just pretended all the violence in our home never existed. The violence may not have been there anymore, but the effects of it were, and even though my mom and dad spent most of their time at church, instead of the bars, I still felt like a child without a real family. I was the typical damaged girl, looking for love in all the wrong places. I had no idea what love was. Love was sex to me, that was pretty much it! So, my first year of college I became pregnant from a one-night stand. Alone, scared, I went home. I was so scared to tell my parents I didn’t and at 4 and a half months, they figured it out. Even though I was 18, they made the decision I would give the baby up for adoption. My dad told me no man would love me if I kept a child from “another” man because they would see I was already “used.” I believed him, they sent me away, and on June 27, 1976 I gave birth to a 10-lbs baby girl, 6 weeks before my 19th birthday. I was more alone and more scared than I have ever felt, and I was not allowed to see, much-less hold my baby. They whisked her away the moment she was born. I heard one nurse tell the other she was a 10lbs 4oz baby! The only information I had about my baby was “She” and 10lb.4oz, That event was a nightmare I wanted to forget. My parents set a good example of how to live life as if nothing had ever happened. I set out to do the very same thing. I had a boyfriend, we got engaged, I cheated on him, we broke up. I continued to look for love in all the wrong places. I was so sad, I had a plan to take my life, so I decided to try to go to church. I really did not want to, but I did it anyway. I really tried to fit in but I faked it a lot. I had no one to talk to or confide in. I was bad, I was dirty, I was used. All I knew to do was to do so much good for others, maybe no one would see that I was bad, I was dirty, and I was used. I learned to live my life like this. Shortly after I went back to church I met Carl. We became friends; I did not really know him, but I thought that maybe he did not want to be there either, so I wanted to be his friend. We were friends for about a year when Carl decided to move to Seattle. He told me he had lived in St. Paul his whole life and wanted to experience something different. He was gone about two years. We wrote letters, talked on the phone and fell in love. When he came home, late in 1979, (to Minnesota), we started dating. We had our first kiss a few months later, and it was all over. We both knew we belonged together. We were engaged in May of 1980 and married on Aug. 9, 1980. (the day before my 23rd birthday). Carl called my parents who lived in Marion, Illinois at the time, to let them know he had proposed, and I had accepted. The very first thing my mom said to me was, “does he know about you?” Immediately I was bad, I was dirty, and I was used. I knew my parents felt this way about me. I told her of course he knew, and it didn’t matter to him. I did tell Carl about the baby girl I had given up for adoption when I was 18, he accepted it, I don’t remember what he said, I do remember how I felt. He did not make me feel used, dirty or bad and that confused me. My parents did not come to our wedding. I continued to live as I had learned; do so much good for others, maybe people won’t see that you are bad, you are dirty, and you are used. That is how I lived my life, that is how I raised my kids. I loved my family with all my heart. I had 3 beautiful children, they are amazing, and I didn’t deserve them. So, I just kept trying to do good, so no one would see I was bad. As I look back, I believe I loved them, was a good mom, but I kept them as well as Carl, at arm’s length. It was too risky to let them all the way in-----if I did they would see that I was bad, I was dirty, and I was used. This strategy seemed to work until I was 43. In Jan of 2001, I started thinking about who I was. I thought about this for days. I me to see who I really am. I wanted to see me how Carl and my kids see me because I didn’t know who I was. I was bad, I was dirty, and I was used. I really wanted to know who I am. Nothing made sense to me. How could I feel the way I did about myself and have this amazing husband, family and friends? From that day in 2001, until today, I have been through inspirational, creative, devastating, real, and loving experiences that have allowed me to see myself. I learned who I am and what I am made of. I learned how Carl sees me, and I think in many ways, how my children see me. I have now started to see myself as a beautiful, kind, and loving woman and art has been a big part of that.
By Kim Mayer5 years ago in Motivation
