Adoption
On June 27, 1976 I became a “birth mom.”
Alone, scared, unloved and abandoned by everyone, including myself. “Nothing from Nothing leaves Nothing.”
How did I not know? Oh yea, I am nothing, that’s how.
Voices all around me, except my own. Their words of understanding my situation scream in my head because I know they are wrong. I can feel it with every part of my being…… they are wrong.
That doesn’t make sense. Of course they are right…… I’m the one who’s wrong.
I’ve abandoned myself….. I am nothing….. I can’t have these feelings…… I am bad…… What I think, what I feel, what I believe is right, is wrong……. they are right……. I can’t possibly know what is right for me.
“No man will ever love you if you keep that baby,” my parents said.
“The only way to be pure again is to repent and give up your baby. A sacrifice for someone who is worthy to have a child,” my Bishop said.
Why do we shame? I believed them over my own heart. Shame kept me quiet, shame kept me bad, shame took my voice and I felt like nothing.
I told my husband my shame. We never spoke of it again for 30 years. Shame keeps me nothing. “Nothing from nothing leaves nothing.” I feel empty inside. I still was afraid of my voice because right now my voice feels like an endless river of tears……
“Teach your children well…… their mother’s hell did slowly go by”……
I told my children my shame. I didn’t want them to live my hell. We didn’t speak of it again.
“She” – always on my mind. “She” it was all I had of her. “She” is now 30.
I’ve looked – no success. Closed adoptions suck. I sign her birth certificate with permission granted to give her information about me – “the birth mom” – if she comes looking.
Another agency promising results. Pay them the money and they will find her. 90% success rate. I’m in.
I tell my children, the search is on, with a 90% success rate, so let’s get ready.
“What if she doesn’t want to meet you mom?” my daughters said.
My head says; that’s not possible. My heart says; that it is probable. Ignore the heart as usual, and go with the head. I just want to know she is alive and what her name is. I can be happy with that.
But will I? How could I possibly know how it will feel to find her? I have spent 10, 950 days thinking about her. Wondering who “She” is.
The call came…….. THEY FOUND HER…… She wants nothing to do with me. Her name is Melissa….. I am devastated. It’s NOT enough……. and I try to “hope” someday she will change her mind.
10 YEARS LATER…… A message comes from a stranger, Wendy, looking for her “biological family.” Confused, I tell her, I am a birth mom, but I have found my daughter, her name is Melissa.
Wendy, messages me her birth date – how much she weighed, 10 lbs 4 oz…… Correct Information has my heart racing.
She is a DNA match and is 2nd cousins with my cousin Mark. DNA?…….. Match?…….. How is this possible?
"I think we’re a match, would you be willing to take a DNA test?”
Yes – right here – right now – how soon will we get the results?
Carl arrives home – sees my face and asks – “What’s wrong?” I show him the messages. I tell him I took the DNA test – he says ----- that’s good. I feel relief. We are in this together. Now we wait……..
Pillow talk……. he asks…… Who Lied? Confused I reply – Lied – what are you talking about. I can feel his anger….
“Yes Kim, somebody lied to you. Either social services lied to the given right agency or given right lied to you. Melissa is not your daughter. Someone lied to you and I want to know who!”
He has a way of bringing me back to reality – to the present. I was so excited about DNA, Wendy, our messages to each other, I put everything else out of my mind. I was going with my heart this time……. and the future……
SCAMMED – an agency who advertised as being owned and run by birth moms and adoptees – SCAMMED me. Years I wasted not looking and believing the lie I am nothing, I am bad…… These were Heartless, evil people.
The pain is eased quickly as Wendy emails me every day. Pictures are sent…… she looks like me……. she looks like her sister, Ellie. She gives me her phone number so we can text…… She trusts me with her phone number.
She sends me a text and asks if I would like to Face Time with her on my Birthday……..
I reply – Yes – of course – YES, what a generous yet terrifying birthday gift.
I fall apart…… crying….. gulping for air…… realizing how often I hold my breath…… Calm comes when I realize on my 61st birthday I will see her face for the first time……. ever……. crying and breathing…….
In bed that night I realize I am not rocking myself to sleep – as I always do……..
Pillow talk…… Carl says; “I don’t need a DNA test to know she is your daughter. I have read all of her emails to you. She is smart, kind, funny, generous and loving…… just like her mom.”
I cry…. realizing how much easier it is to breathe as I think; how in the world does this man see what he says is me…… I am so very loved.
Then he says; “any part of you, is a part of me, so she is my daughter too, and I’m so glad she found us.”
Through all of this pain – I have lived a beautiful life. I thank Carl, Ellie, Rachel, Scott, Nelson and Wendy. You all make my life complete.
How can I teach you what I know now, but I didn’t know then.
We can do better……
I can do better……
I have a voice…… I have wisdom…… I trust myself now, and I am right. I was always right. I could have listened to my heart and believed it. I believed “them,” instead.
I now have a voice to share this story of abandoning my voice and my heart, and abandoning her. I left myself and lost myself and that cost me a part of my heart. I didn’t know. I had no one to teach me. No one told me I was good, and I believed I was bad. No one to tell me what adoption is really like. No one to tell me how destructive shame is – just the opposite – shame is good – it keeps you quiet……..
I do have a voice ---- a voice to teach women how to silence the shame. I host a retreat for women who want to heal from their pain. We share our stories. It helps heal our hearts.
Brene Brown said; (quote) “When we find the courage to share our experiences and the compassion to hear others tell their stories, we force shame out of hiding and end the silence.”
I have a voice to teach others adoption may or may not be the right choice for them, but it IS their choice, and either choice will be difficult. And whatever that choice is we can and will treat them with love, respect, honor and dignity. There is no shame…..
I am someone very special. I am a beautiful, kind and loving woman. I am a birth mom……. a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend and a healer.
I have a voice and I use it for good. I help women heal and teach women to trust their hearts because hearts are good, no matter what they have been through.
And…… I will teach them new songs to sing………
About the Creator
Kim Mayer
I am someone very special. I am a beautiful, kind and loving woman. I am a birth mom a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend and a healer. I help women heal and teach women to trust their hearts because hearts are good.
How Art helped Heal my Heart
My Journey The Genesis of Sacred & Treasured and How Art Has Helped Heal My Heart March 2018 By Kim Mayer I was raised in a family of violence and secrets. When I was age 12 my parents stopped drining and started going to church instead. It was different, it was safer, yet I did not embrace it because my parents just pretended all the violence in our home never existed. The violence may not have been there anymore, but the effects of it were, and even though my mom and dad spent most of their time at church, instead of the bars, I still felt like a child without a real family. I was the typical damaged girl, looking for love in all the wrong places. I had no idea what love was. Love was sex to me, that was pretty much it! So, my first year of college I became pregnant from a one-night stand. Alone, scared, I went home. I was so scared to tell my parents I didn’t and at 4 and a half months, they figured it out. Even though I was 18, they made the decision I would give the baby up for adoption. My dad told me no man would love me if I kept a child from “another” man because they would see I was already “used.” I believed him, they sent me away, and on June 27, 1976 I gave birth to a 10-lbs baby girl, 6 weeks before my 19th birthday. I was more alone and more scared than I have ever felt, and I was not allowed to see, much-less hold my baby. They whisked her away the moment she was born. I heard one nurse tell the other she was a 10lbs 4oz baby! The only information I had about my baby was “She” and 10lb.4oz, That event was a nightmare I wanted to forget. My parents set a good example of how to live life as if nothing had ever happened. I set out to do the very same thing. I had a boyfriend, we got engaged, I cheated on him, we broke up. I continued to look for love in all the wrong places. I was so sad, I had a plan to take my life, so I decided to try to go to church. I really did not want to, but I did it anyway. I really tried to fit in but I faked it a lot. I had no one to talk to or confide in. I was bad, I was dirty, I was used. All I knew to do was to do so much good for others, maybe no one would see that I was bad, I was dirty, and I was used. I learned to live my life like this. Shortly after I went back to church I met Carl. We became friends; I did not really know him, but I thought that maybe he did not want to be there either, so I wanted to be his friend. We were friends for about a year when Carl decided to move to Seattle. He told me he had lived in St. Paul his whole life and wanted to experience something different. He was gone about two years. We wrote letters, talked on the phone and fell in love. When he came home, late in 1979, (to Minnesota), we started dating. We had our first kiss a few months later, and it was all over. We both knew we belonged together. We were engaged in May of 1980 and married on Aug. 9, 1980. (the day before my 23rd birthday). Carl called my parents who lived in Marion, Illinois at the time, to let them know he had proposed, and I had accepted. The very first thing my mom said to me was, “does he know about you?” Immediately I was bad, I was dirty, and I was used. I knew my parents felt this way about me. I told her of course he knew, and it didn’t matter to him. I did tell Carl about the baby girl I had given up for adoption when I was 18, he accepted it, I don’t remember what he said, I do remember how I felt. He did not make me feel used, dirty or bad and that confused me. My parents did not come to our wedding. I continued to live as I had learned; do so much good for others, maybe people won’t see that you are bad, you are dirty, and you are used. That is how I lived my life, that is how I raised my kids. I loved my family with all my heart. I had 3 beautiful children, they are amazing, and I didn’t deserve them. So, I just kept trying to do good, so no one would see I was bad. As I look back, I believe I loved them, was a good mom, but I kept them as well as Carl, at arm’s length. It was too risky to let them all the way in-----if I did they would see that I was bad, I was dirty, and I was used. This strategy seemed to work until I was 43. In Jan of 2001, I started thinking about who I was. I thought about this for days. I me to see who I really am. I wanted to see me how Carl and my kids see me because I didn’t know who I was. I was bad, I was dirty, and I was used. I really wanted to know who I am. Nothing made sense to me. How could I feel the way I did about myself and have this amazing husband, family and friends? From that day in 2001, until today, I have been through inspirational, creative, devastating, real, and loving experiences that have allowed me to see myself. I learned who I am and what I am made of. I learned how Carl sees me, and I think in many ways, how my children see me. I have now started to see myself as a beautiful, kind, and loving woman and art has been a big part of that.
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