Joan Gershman
Bio
Retired - Speech/language therapist, Special Education Asst, English teacher
Websites: www.thealzheimerspouse.com; talktimewithjoan.com
Whimsical essays, short stories -funny, serious, and thought-provoking
Weightloss Series
Stories (100)
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It's a TALL, TALL, World
CRUNCH. Oh, crap, I muttered, as I got out of the car to see what I had backed into. The drainpipe on the side of my house was now just a bit squished. Not squished enough so rain couldn’t get through it, but still squished. Yes, I have a backup camera on the car. That safety device is the reason I chose that car in the first place. (Due to another unfortunate backing up accident with my previous car that lacked such a camera). Still, this latest incident was NOT my fault. If the tall men who design cars would make sun visors adjustable so they actually cover the sun in someone my size's (4' 11") line of vision, I would have SEEN the drainpipe in the backup camera instead of a huge fireball.
By Joan Gershman4 years ago in Humans
Where is My Vote?
WHERE IS MY VOTE? I wasn’t even allowed to vote, and I am very unhappy about it. I was never sent a mail-in ballot, nor was I ever instructed where there was an in-person polling place where I could go to cast a ballot. No, I’m not talking about any political election. I am talking about the election, or should I say “selection”, because no one I know was ever consulted or allowed a vote, of People Magazine’s 2021 Sexiest Man Alive, Paul Rudd.
By Joan Gershman4 years ago in Humans
Pandemic Pounds
29 Pounds! 29 pounds? Yes, you gained 29 lbs. in the year 2020 if you are the average American slowly emerging from quarantine. Very slowly, since you are obviously spending a lot of time in your closet trying to find an article of clothing that will button, zip, or pull on over your newly expanded hips.
By Joan Gershman4 years ago in Longevity
Vegetarian Failure
“Eat your beets,” demanded my mother, “or you cannot have dessert.” And so began my lifelong struggle to make peace with, if not love, vegetables. Let me explain here. My entire childhood knowledge of vegetables was that they came from a can. Except for basic salad ingredients ( i.e. lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers), I never met a fresh vegetable as I was growing up, and although frozen vegetables were around at that time ( 1960's), I never saw them in my house either.
By Joan Gershman4 years ago in Feast
I Don't Work for Walmart
It wasn’t my neighborhood Walmart. I happened to be on the other side of town for an errand when I noticed the Walmart a few blocks away. Oh well, I thought, as long as I’m here, I may as well run in and pick up the few items I need. If you’re a regular shopper, you immediately recognize that the phrase “few items” inevitably turns into a $100+ of an overflowing cart of what are aptly titled “impulse” buys.
By Joan Gershman4 years ago in Futurism
IT Started With Ice Cream
It started with ice cream. For as many years as I can remember, I would buy three half-gallon boxes of ice cream for my family of 3. A variety of flavors, so each of us could eat what we liked. One-half gallon = 64 oz. I understand that three half gallons is a lot of ice cream, but my family far exceeded the average U.S. yearly ice cream consumption of 5 ½ gallons per person. I didn’t say I was proud of it; I’m just giving you the facts.
By Joan Gershman4 years ago in Feast
My Senior Online Dating Saga
Should I or shouldn’t I? Was this the time to give online dating a shot? In my overactive imagination, I was hoping to find someone who still rode a motorcycle and could transport me back to the joy of my carefree youthful days of riding with the wind in my face and my body in tandem with every curve and turn of the bike. When the reality of my unbalanced arthritic body woke me up and slapped me in the head, I adjusted my expectation to looking for someone who still drove a car at night. As a widow who was blessed to have experienced a long, loving marriage with the best the male species had to offer, I was not looking for a serious long-term relationship. I was looking for companionship and fun. Someone with whom to enjoy a concert, a play, dinner, great conversation, and hearty laughter.
By Joan Gershman4 years ago in Humans
Lessons From Quarantine
On March 8, 2020, I went to dinner at a lovely restaurant with 16 friends and acquaintances from my Widows/Widowers group. On March 10, 2020, I did not give it a second thought when my quarterly supply of toilet paper, paper towels, and tissues, arrived on my doorstep from Amazon. On March 12, 2020, I woke up to find myself a character in a Stephen King novel set in the Twilight Zone.
By Joan Gershman4 years ago in Lifehack
Born With a Faulty Directional Gene
“We’re lost, huh, Mommy,” came the tiny voice from the back seat of the car. My 3-year old, strapped safely into his car seat, happily munching on a little box of raisins was wise beyond his years. He had heard me say, Uh, oh, as we were driving, and he had learned, in his short life, exactly what that meant…. we were lost. “No, no, we’re fine”, I lied. Of course, we weren’t fine. I was driving straight into Boston, a city, although a mere 20 miles from where we lived, I NEVER ventured into by car. At least not in a car that I was driving. The streets were too confusing, the traffic too congested for me, and I had no idea how to get out of it. However, on this day, I had taken a wrong turn and there I was, heading straight into one of the most impossible to navigate cities in the country, with its narrow, one way, sign less streets, traffic jams, and detours. This was in an era that predated cell phones, MapQuest, and GPS systems. I was on my own and panicking. Since I am sitting here in my office at home, many decades later, I obviously managed to find my way out of the expressway maze and make it home before dinner, but that was only one in a multitude of incidents that befell this woman born with faulty directional brain cells. I was happy to learn that this is an actual condition.........https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-do-brain-cells-tell-us-where-were-going/
By Joan Gershman4 years ago in Confessions
The Old Lady and the Flat Tire
It’s never a good thing when the “low tire” icon lights up on your car’s dashboard. However, anyone with a working brain would get out of the car and inspect the tires to see where the problem was. I will refrain from editorial comment on my brain and would appreciate it if you would also, but I remained in the car and mulled over my options. I was in a friend's driveway, having just finished an afternoon of Mah Jong with my 3 best buddies. I was tired, hungry, and only 3 miles from home. It had been my experience with my last car of the same make and model as the one I currently have, that the low tire light appeared often, usually for something as simple as the tires leaking a bit of air. So I drove home. Not without hearing my late husband’s voice in my head reminding me that one should NEVER drive on a flat tire because it will ruin it beyond repair. He told me that often. The car was riding fine. The tire couldn't be flat.
By Joan Gershman4 years ago in Lifehack
Mosquitoes on the Attack
Mosquitoes possess a unique telecommunication system. I am not sure if they use cell phones, Morse code, mental telepathy, or an unknown, more advanced technology. What I do know is that their communication method is secretive, fast, accurate, and totally focused on tracking my daily movement.
By Joan Gershman4 years ago in Fiction
