Deniz Aydin

How Do I Want To Be Remembered?

God, where do I begin? This year has been excruciatingly exhausting. So much happening all at once, I just couldn't take it. I forced even more chaos upon me to distract myself from the pandora's box that was 2020. All the uncertainty and edging insanity had my spirit broken long before December came rolling around. So the New Year had no significance to me. It didn't feel like anything was going to get better, it didn't feel like it would all work out in the end. Why would it? How could it!? I had no energy to complete simple tasks, I pushed every single one of my friends away, and I didn't even want to see my family. A new year or fresh start wasn't going to rescue me from the dark abyss that had swallowed me whole. It felt like I had lost a large chunk of my identity. Every morning I stared into the mirror for minutes, only to have a complete stranger staring back. There was no shaking that feeling of being an empty vessel on autopilot just living out the rest of my pointless days...