Clifford Albrecht
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Chicken hunter
I was in key West Florida once. Like most tourists I drank, got a sunburn, and swam in the cool clear water. I'm not like every other tourist though. My love of drugs, and booze fueled decision making process led me to a different side of this little island. nobody likes to drink alone, and strangers wont sell you cocaine. So I made friends with some guys who lived there. They were not from there either, but they had found an interesting niche. They were technically homeless, but not like the homeless people back home. They were young good looking people, and they had a reliable source of income. You see, hundreds of years ago when Spanish ships were sailing around those islands, they brought chickens for fresh eggs. A good idea at the time. Boats sink, chickens escape, shit happens. Hundreds of years later key West Florida is infested with chickens. The city animal control pays a bounty on chickens, in an attempt to control the population. These guys I met, had it made. They set snares to catch chickens every day. these guys lived on the beach, and seemed to really have life figured out. All a chicken hunter needs is a couple t-shirts, board shorts, and a pocket full of string to make chicken snairs, a few joints and a care free attitude. I admired these brave men, and so did the lady's. Tourist girls were also key to their survival. Everyone needs love, and a free hotel room sometimes. that kind of freedom is scary to most civilized people. its also fun. the combination of danger, and fun set in a beautiful tropical setting was like a drug to pretty girls. they became intoxicated by the entire package. they were puddy in the hands of a skilled chicken hunter. I envied their care free life style, and I badly wanted to be a part of it. I did my best to help them by purchasing all their drugs. I often say hindsight is 20/20. Its very hard to predict what you should do with your life. while after the fact its easy to know what you should have done. When you are born, you have unlimited potential, you can be anything you want. As you grow, life happens and those possibilities narrow. You decide you don't really like mathematics and science, and you never became a rocket scientist. One day you get convicted of a felony, and can never be president of the united States. I have tried many things in my life. Tried being a hitch hiker, and traveled all over our great nation. I've fished from California to the Bering sea, I've tried being an outlaw, did time in prison, I've even tried to be a normal person with a house, wife and 9-5 job. That's a dangerous game, normal life. You can quickly grow old and die if you don't know when to get out. So be careful. I always thought I would return to key West Florida and master the art of the chicken snair. there have been few moments in my time when I felt like I was in a place I belonged. my weeks in key west with the chicken hunters was just that. how can I describe it? have you ever came home a little tired, but not so tired its uncomfortable? you have a sandwich, sit in your favorite chair. the temperature is perfect, and you just slip into a nap without knowing it. Well that's how comfortable that time was for me. I thought "every day could be like this". In the end I lack the courage of my convictions and never made it back. Life has happened and now I'm old. Too old to pick up tourist chicks, a crucial part of the chicken hunters survival. Imagine my regret I feel for not having the courage to walk away from it all, and pursue that dream when I had the chance. Life is a fickle bitch, and if you're not careful you too could end up with regrets. My point is, be fearless in the pursuit of your dreams. Don't let life pigeon hole you into being someone you don't like. Everything you want in life is right on the other side of fear. your dreams belong to you, and you must live with yourself all your life. so be someone you like. when you hear people telling you that being a chicken hunter isn't a real job. you feel fear in your belly. afraid you'll starve and your family will say "I told you that's not a real job". When those moments come, remember the chicken hunters. remember my words and fearlessly chase your dreams. Stay free my friends, and live without regret.
By Clifford Albrechtabout a year ago in Men
Turd in the shower
So people have been asking me if I wrote anything while I was away. The answer is yes. Much of it is junk, because prison wasn't that funny this time. Most of the stuff I did was just to depressing for Facebook. I did however have a few good sessions. So I thought I'd share. This one is called "turd in the shower "
By Clifford Albrecht5 years ago in Criminal
Rocks
Rocks are more than they appear to be. What else, what other inanimate object can cause so many different emotional responses in people? What do I mean you ask? I'm glad you asked, let me tell you a story. I once had a wonderful woman. Like most girls, she loved rocks. I didn't get it either, but she did. The house was littered with the things. Crystals, geodes, jade, and rocks that vaguely looked like something. Not just that but she had boxes of rocks, saved for some unknown event in the future. Not one little box, but many large heavy boxes of rocks, heavy because they are full of fucking rocks. Far too heavy for her to carry. That means this lucky guy got to carry them around. Every time they were in the way, as rocks often are, I moved them. Every new house, move the rocks. A pointless exercise if you ask me, but to her, a priceless collection,,, of useless rocks... This rock collection caused feelings of resent in me, but pride and joy to her. We had so many arguments about the rocks. Not even kidding, rocks. Been around for millions of years, just sitting there being rocks, and we are fighting over them. Arguably the most readably available substance on the planet, next to water and air. Still there we are arguing about rocks. YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT MY ROCKS, she says. Of course she is right I don't give a shit about rocks, but I said, WHAT DO YOU MEAN! I CARRY THEM AROUND, BOUGHT A HOUSE FOR THEM TO LIVE IN, I CARE MORE ABOUT THOSE ROCKS THAN YOU DO! obviously this wasn't true, but I really would have liked to win an argument once in my life. Turns out that was not happening that day, or any other day. I keep hoping though. One day I'll win an argument and it will be everything I thought it could be. Im getting off the point. One could say that rocks, at least in part ended my marriage. Well rocks and a bunch of other stuff, but they certainly didn't help! Rocks have done much more than ruin my marriage. All summer I've been seeing touring boats driving around, with crowds of people paying $150 a head to take pictures of rocks. It's insanity! Think about it these people working a job back home, telling all there friends "just six months of saving money and vacation days and we're going to Alaska and get pictures of rocks" plus I'm sure some poor husband will follow his wife down the beach on a romantic walk, carrying rocks for his wife. Rocks he will pay to ship home, carry around for ten years, and if he's not careful they'll end his marriage. Pore guy just wanted to be nice and get laid. He doesn't realize the evil he's putting in his pockets. Not diamonds just rocks. It's a whole industry rocks are. There's more, as a former husband and a sailor, I have a special dislike for these things. Nothing like driving a boat through some narrow channel knowing there is a rock of to your starboard side. You can't see it in the dark, but its on the chart, you know its there, just under the surface of the water. Formed millions of years ago, quietly sitting and waiting to attack and sink your boat, killing everyone on board. Just knowing they are there inspires feelings of dread and stress. Silent perfectly still, murderous rocks. So if you are in love, and your girl likes rocks, set a precedent now, and buy her a diamond. It's cheaper in the long run. Get her into those rocks. At least they have value. If you're packing around heavy boxes of diamonds, it won't seem so pointless. Just saying...
By Clifford Albrecht5 years ago in Humans
