Brian Davis

CAN'T CALL IN DEAD

Have you ever been to a funeral where there is one person in attendance that nobody seems to know? Well, I'm gonna tell you who that person is. He's the bill collector and he's there to ensure the guest of honor is actually dead. I know this because my brother-in-law Sonny would do it all the time. He worked for the Wegetem Collection Agency. If a person died owing the agency money, he would attend the funeral, walk up to the casket as though he was paying his last respects, and poke the body with a safety pin. If the body moved he would hand it a bill and simply say "When can we expect payment?" Sonny was very good at his job. He was promoted several times and eventually held the position of executive vice president. However, the last year on the job wasn't nearly so pleasant. He became a victim of the bottle and an embarrassment to the company. It all started when Sonny became impotent. His pecker wouldn't stand at attention anymore and viagra didn't help. He took it pretty hard when he would stay soft and started to drink constantly. His poison of choice was vodka and orange juice. Sometimes Sonny would come home so drunk that my sister Betty, to whom he was married, couldn't wake him in the morning to go to work. She was often forced to call his boss, Mr. Griswall, and tell him Sonny was too sick to get out of bed. This scenario repeated itself frequently and Mr. Griswell was impatiently getting fed up with it. He tolerated it only because Sonny had been such a dedicated employee for more than fifteen years.