CAN'T CALL IN DEAD

Have you ever been to a funeral where there is one person in attendance that nobody seems to know? Well, I'm gonna tell you who that person is. He's the bill collector and he's there to ensure the guest of honor is actually dead. I know this because my brother-in-law Sonny would do it all the time. He worked for the Wegetem Collection Agency. If a person died owing the agency money, he would attend the funeral, walk up to the casket as though he was paying his last respects, and poke the body with a safety pin. If the body moved he would hand it a bill and simply say "When can we expect payment?" Sonny was very good at his job. He was promoted several times and eventually held the position of executive vice president. However, the last year on the job wasn't nearly so pleasant. He became a victim of the bottle and an embarrassment to the company. It all started when Sonny became impotent. His pecker wouldn't stand at attention anymore and viagra didn't help. He took it pretty hard when he would stay soft and started to drink constantly. His poison of choice was vodka and orange juice. Sometimes Sonny would come home so drunk that my sister Betty, to whom he was married, couldn't wake him in the morning to go to work. She was often forced to call his boss, Mr. Griswall, and tell him Sonny was too sick to get out of bed. This scenario repeated itself frequently and Mr. Griswell was impatiently getting fed up with it. He tolerated it only because Sonny had been such a dedicated employee for more than fifteen years.

One morning after Sonny had been out drinking all night, Betty tried to wake him for work. She yelled at him to get up, but he wouldn't answer. She shook him but he wouldn't respond. Indeed, he wasn't even breathing, and his body was cold. Sonny was dead! Betty immediately ran to the phone to call Mr. Griswall. As soon as he recognized her voice, he stopped her before she could utter another word. In a stern voice, he said, "I have known you and your husband for many, many years, and I love you two like second cousins. However, if Sonny doesn't get his butt into work this morning, he's fired." Then he hung up. Betty slowly put the phone down. She walked back to Sonny's corpse and said, "Your boss said you're fired if you don't get your butt into work today." As Betty stared at Sonny's lifeless body, reality began to set in. She felt a wave of panic when she realized she wouldn't be entitled to his pension or his company life insurance benefits if he is fired. She thought to herself, "I've got to get Sonny to work."

Betty knew she couldn't take Sonny to work by herself. He was too heavy for her. So she grabbed the phone book and called the first funeral home she spotted. "AAA Funeral Home, Mr. Snotgrass speaking," said the voice on the other end of the line. "I need you to come remove a body, "Betty said frantically.

"You can schedule a pick- up Ma'am and we'll execute the removal sometime this afternoon."

"What is this the AAA funeral home or UPS? I need you to come get my husband's body right now! This is an emergency."

"I'm here alone right now. I have no one to help me remove a body."

"I'll help you. Just get over to 905 Dalton street as fast as you can."

"I'm sorry ma'am, but it takes trained professionals to properly remove a dead body. We will have to schedule a pick-up." Angry and frustrated Betty screamed, "You should consider only using the last three letters of your name. It would be more descriptive of you and your services." Then she slammed the phone down on the table.

Betty searched the yellow pages to find a more cooperative funeral director. Fifteen minutes later, there was a knock at the front door. Betty looked out the peephole but didn't see anyone. She opened the door and found herself looking down at a short fat man with a big nose. "Can I help you?" she asked impatiently.

"Are you the one who called the AAA Funeral Home to have a body removed?" asked the short chubby middle-aged man.

"Yes, I am."

"Well I am Mr. Snotgrass and I'm here to tell you that I've never been so insulted in my life."

"Why did you come then?"

"I came here to slap you across the face with my embalming glove. However, I had no idea that you were so beautiful. Now I can't bring myself to do it. Where is the body?"

Reacting uncomfortably to the compliment, Betty said "My husband is in the bedroom. Walk this way," Betty walks towards the bedroom with her usual feminine stride and Snotgrass follows mimicking her walk. When they arrive in the bedroom Snotgrass sticks out his chess and says "Let's go to work."

Snotgrass and Betty loaded Sonny's corpse into the hearse, after which he was surprised to see her jump in the front seat with him.

"You don't have to go to the funeral home with your husband," said Snotgrass. "I can handle it from here."

"He's not going to the funeral home," said Betty "He has to go to work and we have to hurry because he's late."

"He's dead!" shouted Snotgrass. "He can't go to work."

Betty shouted back at Snotgrass. "I know he's dead, but he can't be dead at home. He has to be dead at work or he'll be fired."

With ample directions from Betty, Snotgrass drove the body to its place of employment. Baffled over the entire situation, he figured he wasn't dealing with a sane person. He tried to think of a way out of this mess.

When they arrived at the Wegetem Collection Agency and walked to the back of the hearse, Snotgrass hesitated. "Ma'am, I don't think this is legal."

Betty grabbed Snotgrass by the collar and said "If you don't help me get my husband to his office, the next ride you take will be in the back of this hearse." Snotgrass enjoyed the forcefulness. He thought "A beautiful aggressive woman. This is what I've been waiting for all of my life. I don't care how crazy she is; I have to have this woman."

Snotgrass pulled the body out by its armpits while Betty kept the pressure on. "Hurry up! We have to get him to his office before Mr. Griswall sees us."

As Betty grabbed the feet, Snotgrass asked, "Who is Mr. Griswall?"

"That's my husband's boss. "Now move your butt."

Betty and Snotgrass were able to get Sonny's body to its office undetected. They propped him up in the chair at his desk, and Betty placed a pair of sunglasses over his eyes.

Snotgrass drove Betty back home. When they arrived he hurried over to the passenger side of the hearse to open the door for her. As she got out, Snotgrass asked "Will you go out to dinner with me tonight?"

"No!" shouted Betty. "I have to make dinner for my husband. Now get this hearse out of here before somebody thinks someone died."

As Snotgrass drove away, he thought, "Not only is she a beautiful aggressive

woman, she's also very smart. She has to act as if her husband is still alive until she gets the official word, just in case there's an investigation. I must have this woman."

Meanwhile, back at the Wegetem Collection Agency, Mr. Griswall storms into Sonny's office with a stack of work that he slams on his desk and said "Get to work!" Two hours later, Mr. Griswall returned to Sonny's office to find him sitting in the same position, work untouched. He immediately grew angry and shouted " I've had enough of you! You constantly have your wife call in sick for you, work piles up here at the office. I brought work for you to do this morning and you haven't even touched it. You just sit there behind those ridiculous sunglasses like you're the king of the world. Well someone has to knock some sense into you, and I guess that someone has to be me."

Griswall pulled his hand back and slapped the corpse upside the head. The body fell over. The head hit the end of the hardwood desk and then fell to the floor.

"Oh my God! shouted Griswall. He moved quickly to the body and shook it vigorously. "Are you okay? Come on and get up. Are you okay? Come on speak to me!" As the reality of Sonny's untimely demise began to sink in, Griswall panicked even more. He shook the body as hard as he could, shouting "Get up! Please get up. If you get up you can have the rest of the day off. Come on tell me you're okay. If you tell me you're okay, I'll give you a raise. Come on, get up. Please get up."

Suddenly, the sound of the phone ringing startles Griswall. He tried to calm down so he could answer the phone in his normally composed manner. He let it ring four times and then he picked it up. It was Betty wondering how things were going at Sonny's job.

"Wegetem Collection Agency, Mr. Griswall speaking."

"Hello Mr. Griswall, this is Betty. Can I speak to my husband?"

"I'm afraid not." There is a long silence.

"Mr. Griswall, are you there?"

"Yes....yes I am Betty. I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. You see Sonny was running around the office. He was frantically moving from the computer to the telephone and to the fax machine. He was trying to get caught up with his work. He apparently tripped over the computer wire and hit his head on his desk. I'm sorry Betty, but he is dead."

Puzzled, Betty responded by saying "He was running around the office and he tripped and fell?"

"Yes," said Griswall. "It was a freak accident."

"That's amazing."

"What?" said Griswall, surprised by her response.

"I mean I'm shocked. I was preparing some baby back ribs and mashed potatoes for him. I was calling to ask him to bring home some cherry Kool-Aid."

"Betty, I can't tell you how sorry I am. If I can be of any assistance to you, please don't hesitate to ask. As long as I am here, you won't have to need or want for anything."

"Thank you, Mr. Griswall."

Betty hung up the phone, feeling dazed and confused. She immediately called Snotgrass.

"AAA Funeral Home, Mr. Snotgrass speaking."

"Snotgrass, this is Betty here. Are you sure my husband was dead when we took him to work this morning?"

"What are you asking me? You called me and said he was dead."

"But you're supposed to be the professional. You're supposed to know for sure whether he is dead or not, and according to his boss, he was hard at work this morning."

"He must have meant stiff at work. I'm telling you he was dead enough to have money printed up with his face on it."

"Well go to his job and pick him up"

"What time does he get off?"

"He's dead you idiot!"

"You won't think I'm such an idiot when you receive my bill."

After the funeral, Snotgrass approached Betty and asked her to go out with him.

"I'm a tall, slender, beautiful woman," said Betty. "Why would I want to go out with a short, fat, bald, big-nosed, bulldog-faced undertaker?

"I'm not fat," said Snotgrass. "But chew on this for a minute Miss tall slender and beautiful. If you don't go out with me, I'll tell Griswall where your husband really died."

Betty Looked at Snotgrass up and down. "Well, I guess you could look kind of cute in the dark, after a few drinks....a few powerful drinks, but I can't date so soon after my husband's death. What would people think?

"How long must I wait?"

"Two years."

"I'll give you six months."

Snotgrass went home to count the days.

Mr. Griswall, haunted with guilty feelings, started visiting Betty on a weekly basis. He wanted to make sure she was doing well. After a few months. they fell in love and planned to wed. Betty had forgotten all about Snotgrass.

One morning while Snotgrass was at home sipping coffee and reading the paper, he came across an article announcing the upcoming wedding of Betty Barnes and Samuel Griswall. He was enraged. "May twenty-third!" shouted Snotgrass. "That's today!" I'm supposed to date her in just three weeks." Snotgrass hopped into his hearse and drove to the church where the wedding was being held.

The ceremony had already begun. When the minister came to the part where he said, "If there is anyone present who feels that this couple should not be joined together in holy matrimony. let them speak now or forever hold their peace." A voice rang out from the audience. "I object to this wedding," shouted Snotgrass.

"Who is that?" said the minister. "Stand up so we can see you."

"I am standing."

"Well come forth and state your objection."

Snotgrass walked up to the altar. Betty was shocked to see him standing before her. "I object to this wedding because the bride is a liar and the groom is a thief. He stole my woman." Snotgrass pulled a measuring tape from his pocket and began to measure the body of Griswall. Annoyed, Griswall looked at Betty and asked, "Who is this guy and what the hell is he doing?"

"That's Mr. Snotdirt, the undertaker," said Betty.

"That's Snotgrass, and I don't appreciate it when somebody tries to marry my woman. So I'm measuring you to see what size casket you're gonna need."

"I'm not your woman!" shouted Betty. " You embalming fluid-smelling Cabbage patch doll."

"I may not be perfect, but at least I"m not a liar, like the man you're about to marry. You know he lied about how your husband died."

"How could you know that?" said Griswall.

"Because he was as dead as a doornail when Betty and I brought him to work."

Shocked and filled with anger, Griswall turned to Betty and asked, "You brought your husband's dead body to work?" Betty didn't respond. She just bowed her head in shame. Griswall snatched the measuring tape from Snotgrass and started to measure Betty's body.

Betty turned to Snotgrass, filled with frustration. "You ruined my wedding and my life," she shouted. Then she grabbed the measuring tape from Griswall and began to measure Snotgrass's body. As she was bent over measuring his legs. Griswall kicked her in the butt. She fell to the floor and the wedding guest gasped as one. Griswall headed for the exit door.

"Does this mean the wedding is off?" shouted Betty.

Griswall did not respond; he just continued to walk out the door. Betty then looked out to the audience and asked, "Are all of you taking your gifts back?" The guest didn't answer; they just grabbed their gifts and walked out the door.

The minister walked up to Betty and asked, "You didn't kill your husband did you?"

"No, I didn't kill him."

"Okay, I'll see you in church on Sunday."

After the minister walked out, Betty sinisterly eyed Snotgrass and continued. "No Reverend, I have not murdered anyone. Today will be my first time."

Betty reached under her dress and pulled out a cell phone. She dialed the Balfour Funeral Home, while Snotgrass looked on. "Hello, I'd like to schedule a pick-up and I suggest you order a short wide casket."

In fear for his life, Snotgrass ran from the church and jumped into his hearse, with Betty in hot pursuit. Before he could close the door, she reached in and began to choke his neck. Yet somehow Snotgrass managed to break free. He jumped out the passenger side door and took off running down the street as fast as his stubby legs would take him. Betty got behind the wheel, pulled out her cell phone, and once again called the Balfour Funeral Home. "Hello, I just called a minute ago to suggest you order a short wide casket, you better make that a short wide FLAT casket." She then sped down the street towards Snotgrass.

THE END