Billie-Jules
Bio
After 16 years of battling depression, I finally found my voice. I’ve tried many times in my life writing my story but often felt defeated immediately after. But, now I found solace In just existing in the moment rather than the past
Stories (13)
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I am Strong For You. Because of You.
Dear Uncle Kell, A lot has happened since you joined your father in heaven. Which, I would hope, is in everlasting peace. Of course, I talk to you all the time, so you know all that has transpired in my life. So, I'll just talk about today and maybe reminisce; on things I've said and things I didn't say. I still have said so little to you, haven't I? I have said this every time we speak and yet I still can't make these words come out. I honestly don't understand myself most of the time. But, I just figured that, maybe what I can't say verbally to you, I'll just write. I'll write it now while I still have the courage to do so. You were never a person who was uncomfortable to speak to, but I envied that carefree nature of yours, that ability to just accept life for what it was and the confidence to just live life as it was. Even now, as an adult, I struggle every day to embody that charisma, and I know I know. Be myself, strut that confidence I naturally have, but I don't think I would even have that without you. Since you left, I have been trying every day to carry your lessons with me and I think I finally made some leeway, but I know I still have a long way to go. I really wish I reached out more and spent a lot more time with you. That is the only regret I really have regarding you. But, it helped me learn to appreciate that one and one time with family that I don't see often. I'd like to get out of my introverted hidey-hole I just haven't chosen yet whom that I would like to have that time with. I'm still very choosy. Things at my job are going well. I'm nearing a year working there consecutively, unlike my previous jobs. There have been a couple bumps here and there but, I am very happy working there. I hope you're proud of me. I know I am very proud of myself for the accomplishments I have made this year. For a time, I had a roadblock from fully attending to my needs. I don't think I need to say what or whom it was. I know you know. Because: Spending a lot of time alone, admittedly lonely, has led me to realize that my happiness doesn't depend on others. Change in my desires for a family was a huge surprise, as I have been pretty resolute in that mindset and want for my life. But, I am okay, being okay with that. I'm okay just being me. Can you believe that? That I made it here? You will forever be my favorite person and biggest motivator to move forward in my life. I'm not saying my family and friends don't inspire that same spark in me. Of course they do! just know that they will ever take your spot on the top of my list and they also know that, so I'm not hurting any feelings by saying this. I hope you're happy and grandpa too joking and talking your shit about the nonsense going on down here. I want to continue with more to say, but I'll just talk to you again when I remember what else I haven't said. Talk to you soon! I love you, always and forever Uncle kelly.
By Billie-Jules10 months ago in Families
What an Unexpected Week…
Hi again! After yet another 6 month hiatus I’m back to speak about my life that somehow has gained the interest of some, I am grateful though. To sum up what’s happened since I quit my job wouldn’t be impossible I’m just…believe or not…still processing and accepting all the changes. Honestly? I just don’t want to talk about it. It doesn’t hurt me to talk about it, I just don’t want to I’m already discussing things in fragments with my therapist so, bare with me until I can form coherent sentences about the whole thing but I can talk about my week!..thus far.
By Billie-Jules2 years ago in Motivation
Quitting My Job to Change All That I Know
Last summer I got a job working summer camp with the YMCA with the help of my best friends recommendation. It was a 10 hour shift from 8am-6pm with a pay of 17hr for 5 days a week. It was great! Long days but for my first job it wasn’t a bad start. Having social anxiety, adjusting to the new environment took me a bit but I’d say after a week or two I was fine but that was just a smidgen of comfort compared to what I had to adjust to and quickly. Working with kids for a full day made things really fast paced especially with the younger kids and I had first graders so it took a lot out of me. We had a whole curriculum to follow, the number of kids we had everyday varied and working with 6-7yrs olds is not an easy feat. As the weeks went by it was hard to say wether I liked kids or if I was purely in it for the money, everyday was just so exhausting. Granted, I was grateful I had the job after looking for work for so long and this was my intended field of stiudy but I started to forget why. The stress was becoming so much that I didn’t know what the best course for action for me anymore. Don’t get me wrong not every day was a stressful one. Kids will be kids. Some days they’re annoying and some days they make me laugh; their was never a dull moment.
By Billie-Jules3 years ago in Humans
Spooky Month Ended Before It Even Started
How to explain how my favorite month of the year went down, I can’t. I still can’t fathom how I went from being excited to complete despair in a matter of days. The only thing I can say confidently however, it’s not the holiday itself that brought me down.
By Billie-Jules3 years ago in Psyche
Rekindled Flame of High-school Sweethearts
I go through continuous changes with or without my past and yet I always found myself having thoughts about my first love. I always wondered why; our relationship was not something I remembered fondly. The scenario that always ran through my head was him giving me an apology and telling me how he never forgot about me, you know, a standard sitcom cliche and then by some strange coincidence of fate that’s exactly what happened a couple of months ago. After he sent me a message sending me his condolences about my uncles passing I decided a year later to send a message to him myself just to return his kindness.I wasn’t expecting a response but, to my surprise he did so, we caught up for about 15-20 minutes and then he asked me if we could meet up for coffee.
By Billie-Jules4 years ago in Confessions
I Am Who I Am and I Am Who I Was and I Am Who I Will Always Be. Top Story - June 2021.
Great old Emrys said such a line just to confuse the guards but honestly what truer words ever been spoken and if you don't understand the reference I highly suggest you watch Merlin, it's on Netflix. But, let me continue on with that and tell you how I take that statement and apply it to my everyday life. Growing up always feeling a little different from the rest of the pack I learned two things; like a chameleon, you can either learn to camouflage yourself to appear and behave like what society says is pink and blue or you can open up your feathers like a peacock and walk proudly. I was born in the late 90’s so just like any time before 2012 I’d say work still needed to be done, however, I was a stubborn child so I did both which sounds counter-intuitive but it’s not.
By Billie-Jules5 years ago in Pride
I Was Afraid of the Stigma
I procrastinated making my appointments for quite some time now merely because I hate the doctors and it doesn't matter what it's for. Whether it's for the dentist, the gyno, my annual physical, I hate it; all those white rooms and medicine smells give me anxiety. But, given these trying times, I couldn't put it off for much longer so I made my appointment for my physical which I was long overdue for, and with all these apps I didn't even have to call! I also hate making phone calls, go figure, and having that nervous shrill phone voice that everyone has. I had quite a few things to ask my doctor and one of them being about finding a psychiatrist so the time was now honestly.
By Billie-Jules5 years ago in Psyche
Numbers Never Looked Right to Me
I always had a problem with mathematics since I was about four or six years old. I went through one of those quick school IQ tests to see where I excelled and where I needed help. I got help for comprehension because I had some trouble reading and following directions, my teacher said I need specifics or I ended up confused but that didn't last long. The main issue that I had was with numbers, I couldn't process the basics without some assistance and still couldn't count from ten without using my fingers. This was in elementary school, so as grew older I thought the problems would cease but it never did.
By Billie-Jules5 years ago in Confessions
A Wonderful Fantasy to My Intrusive Reality
I always had an "overactive imagination" growing up. I loved playing pretend, I loved daydreaming land being someone else, being someplace else; life just seemed more fun that way. Except I never really grew out of playing "pretend". It took over my life up until was I was twenty-two, for fourteen years.
By Billie-Jules5 years ago in Psyche
I Always knew
I've known since I was four and you know what sparked my curiosity? an Austin Powers movie, I remember the exact scene too. When that assassin came to seduce and kill Austin but got seduced by him instead during a game of chess; and it zoomed in on her breasts. Mind you, I wasn't supposed to see that overly sexual and ridiculous movie franchise but honestly what kid hasn't seen things they weren't supposed to. But, like I said I was four, so it wasn't an interest that dwells for more than a second.
By Billie-Jules5 years ago in Humans
Hurt, but Not Broken
I honestly don't really know how to start this one. We all have that person in our lives that you trust more than anything that you never even question the possibility of them not being there. You always work things out, no matter what your differences and circumstances they'd still stand with you well, I had a person like that, my childhood friend for the past fourteen years. I'd be lying if I said I didn't see this happening even with my many years of breaking down at the mere thought of her leaving I knew she would someday. Even when we first met, she was a free spirit, a bird always ready to fly, flies with current, and never looks back. She was my version of a perfect person and that was where I made my first of many mistakes.
By Billie-Jules5 years ago in Humans
How I Took Back Ownership of My Body
I struggled with my body for as long as I can remember though I never had a problem until I entered middle school. Since I was four years I saw myself with a massive stomach even in reality I was skinny. I was always active as a child, I never really overate, and my family had a pretty healthy lifestyle so even now I don't understand where those thoughts came from. They were just there and I continue to live with them.
By Billie-Jules5 years ago in Psyche
