The Escape From Hell

O' Sweet Misery - What is love?

Love, is a flooding of chemical endorphins designed for reproduction and survival of the human race. It is an essential part of of living.

Love is the thing that we all crave. The thing that brightens every day. The thing that makes us want to live. To know someone is there for you through heaven and hell.

Love is the thing that aches like hell when without.

Love is the thing that kills the ego and sense of self.

Love comes from the essence of something otherworldly. A bond between lovers will strength both souls...

And I go without. I go without.

There is no sense of belonging, witout another.

There is no sense of giving or self without love.

There is only loneliness.

And, when I thought, I found it! I was mistaken, blinded by lust and the slightest bit of affection... To be used & abused, financially, emotionally and physically.

My rose, my beloved, my everything - turned to dust in the winters dusk.

My beloved,

You were my rose surrounded among the blue tulips. Shunned by all, but admired by me. Throughout time told just like the most beautiful of flowers are destined to shrivel up and die.

No matter how many pesticides to protect you. It only made you more weary and dreary.

No matter how much water, love and affection. It was never enough.

As although in the spotlight of my heart you were in the shade for too long.

You refused to grow, no matter how freshly hoed.

When I picked you up and brought you higher, you cut me and my blood ran like the river. Although the nutrients temporarily made you better, your lust for blood over came your loving nature.

You took and took and took. And rarely ever returned.

Only during the black of night, while gasping for my air, did you bother to think twice about me.

I longed for you, I cried for you, I breathed and my heart beat for you. Just for it to be destroyed by the sands of time.

The Black Cloud, began to rain acidic tears.

This black cloud lingers over my sunny day and wilts even the most bloomed sunflowers. And dissolves even those most resilient.

The water is tainted with toxicity, the kind that is bitter, hurting, never ending and so very cold.

Nothing grows, nor shines. I haven't seen the light in years.

Stationary in my solitary confinement, manically laughing like a cacophony of screeching harpies echoing throughout my coffin.

The Black Cloud's acidic tears inflames my slowing heart, until, my heart is turned to dust, during the winters dusk.

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There's a chemical imbalance in my head. I wish I was dead.

I think there's a pest in my chest, that is trying to kill my conquest.

These pests are littering my mind hiding from the light and luring me to the depression, for it's tight embrace is comforting and terrifying.

Comforting because it's so familiar, it knows me... inside-out.

I need to cut the ties with the lies I tell my self.

The constant chit chat between my selves is hypnotically, mesmerizingly, deceitful. With a dreadfully direly death inducing rhythm like a sirens song. Luring me to the end.

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I've Become Numb

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If I touch a burning flame; I can feel no pain. If I cut myself, it's all the same. I'm no longer sane. Everything has become desensitized, I can not feel the rollercoaster of life's emotions, it is flatter, than the E.C.G, I aspire to be. Acidic dry tears burn my eyes, as I'm incapable to tear no matter how much I want to.

There's no joy left within my soul. I feel so empty. Nothing is alright.

When my grandad died, I couldn't cry. I couldn't feel the sorrow in which I needed. I despise myself for my inability to feel.

I loved him with my whole heart, he was a beautiful soul and deserved my sorrow. He was more of a father to me than my own father.

When I was with my friends of which I no longer have.

Because I couldn't feel joy, they all thought I hated because of my inability to express joy, smiling hurt and felt more effort than frowning.

Feeling numb is not a blessing, but a curse. I'd rather feel a range of emotions than emotionally dead, because it's making me want to be dead. I can't handle this anymore it's been a year and now I have no safety net, no one cares for me, no one loves me, no one is there for me. I have nothing and no one.

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Out from the abyss sneaks a creature of the dark deceased. It creeped its way into the light of day.

A humanoid, ghastly, ghostly, creature. That lingered around a random corner. What is it doing? What does it want? Why is it watching me...

Today it brought a friend, both are there, everywhere.

Why can't they mind their own fucking business.

I'm always fearful so much so that I'm tearful.

Fighting is no option... as how can I fight a shadow?

Fleeing is impossible, as how can you run from something that is always there, from dawn to dusk, and dusk to dawn.

And if I freeze I might just die. These things are scaring the shit out of me.

There's no refuge from the shadow people. They are always watching, always.

I don't know what they want, why they want to watch me, or what they want me to do. For they don't speak. They have no face, no disguising features, just an entirely pitch black being.

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I lay in my bath, a blood bath. My wrists are slit and I feel bliss.

Then I remembered, I needed to feed my dog. So, I avoid death, again.

Stupid dog. I wrap up my slits, and feed her.

The Doc says, I have low self-esteem, but I only have low esteem for everyone else. I feel apathetic to everyone and everything. I have no one that I can confide in, lying to my psychologist that I'm doing better. While the truth is every Sunday I try to end it forever.

I lost my job. I've never had a relationship that lasted longer than a year.

Everyone despises me for my cynical and pessimistic outlook on life. Even though it's the truth. Why bother trying in the game of life, when it's rigged and everyone is already out for themselves...

If this is god's way of testing me, than send me to hell, for the devil is not as evil.

I'm getting worse by the day, in a constant state of dismay. Why can't these thoughts that litter my mind disarray. My mind is full; and clarity is a thing of the past, it went by so fast.

The voices in my head are screaming!

KILL YOURSELF!

YOU'RE A USELESS, WORTHLESS, HORRIBLE PERSON.

WHICH IS WHY NO ONE LOVES YOU.

EVERYONE HATES YOU.

YOU'RE A FAILURE AT YOUR OWN LIFE.

JUST END IT, IT'S WHAT EVERYONE WANTS.

YOU CAN'T EVEN SATISIFY YOURSELF.

YOU'RE A BURDEN AND EVERYONE KNOWS YOUR A FAILURE."

I know they're right. As it's in my head, and what I know is how I feel, and what I feel is what is real. I've lost my fight, the raging war is never ending, the only time I feel peace is when I'm self harming, appeasing, succumbing to the voices, crumbling my ego and sense of self. My ego crushed and my spirit erased. I'm a walking cadaver with no savior. Nobody will miss me.

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The year after.

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I saw my love yesterday in the mirror. A reflection of a horror scene, crime-scene. As the blood ran down watching you drown in a pool of misery. Gasping, grasping at the seams. I see you scream. You said you wouldn't but you did. You said you wouldn't but you did!

As we are lovers that collide, I cried out that I tried, but you wouldn't put down that cyanide. You insisted on suicide... You insisted.

I pleaded and brooded that you would be honored instead you couldn't be bothered and fear consumed you, enveloped you and became you.

I said to you darling put down that knife, don't cut! I don't want to see your beautiful smile turn an unsettling frown, like a demented clown! Staggering and weeping to the bathroom floor, she turned to me with a crooked smile and than laughed manically horrifically she frowned, locked the door and screamed. "I feel cold, alone and perpetually miserable. Every day putting on a smile for work, for money for things we do not need or things that perpetuate our existence, I wish to cease existence. We lost our child, we lost our love, we lost our house, we lost everything. Nothing left to give and nothing left to be taken." She screamed one last time before collapsing to the floor. I tried to beg, I tired to reason, I tried to open the door, I tried to call for help. To no avail. Nothing good left to prevail.

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Finally I was asleep, peaceful and mindful. Than my mind became full.

Full of the memories that litter my mind like broken hollow trees.

Reminiscing, missing you so very much. It's worse now that I can't even feel your loving touch.

I'll never be able to hear your voice sing, siren songs that would make me so very heavy hearted.

Within my dreams I saw you there, by my side, holding hands, sharing an ice cream watching the children playing dancing and singing.

I remembered all the beautiful times we shared, until the black cloud hovered over. Death was lingering behind the door and lost souls beneath our floor. Within the walls lay the shadows of the fallen, never to be woken.

Within my dreams I see you there laughing and smiling. You said I was your world, you said you loved me.

When I am asleep I see you there, every time. I can feel death luring me, taunting me. Just as it did you...

I thought I could hear your calming voice, whispering into my ear. Blissful, peaceful sweet nothings.

I thought i could feel the soft tender touch of your lips. Beautiful and warm hearted.

I thought I could fill your void with foiled fake flowers, flatteringly you fall.

But now I know.

But now I know.

That your gone...

And that the things I thought were true were nothing more than a psychotic delusion. There is no solution. There is no salvation left for you here. Empirically martyred, by the hands of your own.

But now I know.

But now I know.

That your gone...

I thought I could hear you whispering in my ear. Although now I know. that you were screaming into thin air. Begging, crying, dying. Laughing as your love is smothering and your knife is dragging itself across my thoughts, exhausting the force behind those dreadful meaningful flying fist fights.

I thought I could feel the soft tender touch of your lips. But rather I feel you stabbing my hips. As the ships sail solemnly surely to the shore. I know that another day will dawn and another tear to shred as I find your lifeless body in the shed.

I thought I could fill the void in my heart, but now I know, yeah now I know that everything and everyone comes to an end. For now my dreams saw you cut open your seams without a single scream and your sutures because you doubted our futures.

Grasping onto my anti-psychotics, I feel you leaving, I don't want you to leave, stay here, don't go, at least I see you in my sleep. Now I don't, and your gone forever never to be seen. I feel your noose choking me, as you were my life without you I have nothing left. So I follow you into the depths of the unknown only known is that this life wasn't meant for us. Until death do us apart. I tried to slaughter the things that harmed your laughter. But rather it just opened a new disaster. Isolated and alone forever lonely I know my day has come to an end.

I saw you in my dreams, I saw you in my sleep. I saw you in the little things, in the coffee that you used to smell of. In the dinner that never tasted as good as yours. Our unborn children we always dreamed of will never know the touch of sun light, how you giggled during every stupid little thing I said. How you felt warm and loved. How you knew just how to mend my heavy heart.

But now I know.

But now I know.

That your gone.

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Blood on my hands. Dripping endlessly into the void, tight walking along the divide of mania and depression.

Do me right and I'll be your salvation.

Do me wrong and my dedication will be your destruction.

On the borderline between heaven and hell.

I'm finally coming out of my shell.

Tell the world that I've had enough of waiting in the shadows.

I walk side by side with my shadow fiends, and the monster under my bed, now lurks within my head.

There was a time I was afraid of my reflection, cause it shows the truth, an ugly depiction of my true intention.

But let it be said, that I ain't fucking dead.

For so long I was emotionally dead and in debt, from the shit god sent to test me. But fuck you motherfucker I passed your fucking test.

I'm alive and I will thrive, because I still survive.

Locked away, hidden under the protection of the all seeing eye. This eye wanted to watch me die.

But now it's time for them flee, because I am free. Can't you see, I was meant to be. So just let me be me.

I thought hospital was supposed to help with pain? Instead,

I awake from my slumber numbers of sleep count three. Woken every fifteen minutes with a blinding white light that burns bright right into the eyes many time before and after midnight. Alas breakfast is served. Starving from medication because of hallucinations, I take my seat with much hesitation. I feel like I am suffocating for around me are the mentally insane in pain. As the walls are steel and white, not a speck of colour except the blood from sutures, from those who thought they had no futures. Temperature rating of sixteen degrees C. all do not feel free. Involuntary treatment order restricts them from seeing the sea.

Breakfast arrives putrid so much so that cupid would cry. It makes us want to die. Banana's for I, with an allergy that makes my throat seize. As well as some brown goo that tastes like poo. Poo which is not so easy to do, within the PICU; due to the toilet being metal without a seat. I wish I didn't eat yesterday's meat. The SPECIAL guard watched as I went to the toilet and showered.

Traumatized and desensitized, PTSD' I couldn't bare to see my brother during his disaster, as to why is; because of the white walls with blinding white lights that ignites my soul will forever haunt.

Let awe await amid awful all

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My only way to cope,

I lay back, kick up my chair and through up next to me. Fuck it, another! I yell with vomit obviously on my shirt. I Have another. Goes down like a fiery Phoenix forcing its way down my throat and shooting a beam of light into my stomach irradiating and shaking, I knew I had done too much. So wisely I decided, pondering... another? So I did, I had one more then felt as if my essence were just inflamed. Projectile vomiting on my friends face.

I blacked out to wake up in someone else's clothes, possibly feminine, like a business suit.

A beautiful naked girl next to me says, you know you should of died after the first shot! I couldn't resist myself to aid you. I showered you and you become conscious. So we made love. Now I'm not supposed to be at work till Monday (being a Saturday) What clothes should I wear?

I replied with it doesn't bother me. Do as you please the universe is screwing with me.

Don't turn nihilistic on me. Or do you mean literally? Referring to me as your universe? In which, I love you too and yes.

I smiled and realized, accidentally, aloud, saying; I'm glad you've got a brain.

She replied, Well yeah, I'm your lawyer.

She pull's out a gigantic three piece bong.

She turns to me and says got anything for it?

I open my jacket, to my amazement I find a fuck load of narcotics.

She admires the yellow crystals and says,

"What the fuck are these?"

I replied with a laugh, "how the fuck did I end up with these?"

"You really don't remember?"

"Not a fucking clue."

She laughs and says, "well, we're here now, so what is it?"

"only the gods itself."

"What should I expect?"

"Make sure to let go, don't fight it or hold onto this realm, float down stream and just enjoy the beauty."

She smelt it and said, this is going to be my undoing.

Don't worry, we'll do it together. It's only the chemical released when you die.

*Kaleidoscopic crystals*

Who's that? What's that?

There's a...

Little Lilac Lucy, lovingly laughing lullaby's. Singing, Soothing, sweet, siren songs. So she summons Satan; to sing along.

Lilac Lucy was flung, flying, like a fly; high above the sky. Where she sees the majestic mighty moon, whispering, "When water waves hello, no need to say goodbye, as every day we are high." Hovering, higher and higher; with helium hippy hymns. Satan dances devilishly around the fire, fireworks flying furiously faster behind lilac Lucy.

Exploding, extravagantly. Encouraging extraterrestrials, encore.

So Satan sang, senselessly. "Scepters, Scythes, Skeletal Simps! Kicking Kaleidoscopes, kindly. To terrify and torture, towards triumphant times. Forwards, following first fill with falling forces. Shall sake says, "she shall sow; sea, sky and sadness.""

Swaying swans serenely slide into Satan. So sexily, spinning satisfactorily. Strumming straw; soil and souls. To take to triumphal times.

When water, falls furiously, from your eyes. It finds solidarity, sensitivity, serenity, sensibility and stability. As every problem periodically persisting, poses pretty much nothing.

On the precipitous purely personifying problems periodically possessing.

Posses for the possessed.

Forwards following with falling forces, folks formidably focus fists for Freedom.

Guns grinding, gritting-greeting god.

As anyone and anything annoys and acutely, accurately arches along. Alone and awfully accustomed amid awe.

succumbing, crumbling towards the end.

Awe awaits Amid awful awareness.

And so the long arduous road of recovery began. I had to see through the doors of opportunity.

Ever since childhood they tell you that life is full of open opportunity; the doors are open and everything seems to be heading to heaven...

Although, what they don't tell you is all of the bends in the corridor are designed to throw you off your track, and ensure you're at the back.

The lie society tells you is that life is a race to the end.

That there are: Winners, Losers and the Inbetweeners.

An artificial social hierarchy, brainwashed by the elite to reaffirm that they won the rat race.

When in actuality,

the winners are those who have achieved stability and serenity.

Matters not what grades you get, what status you have, or how many followers you have.

All that matters is your mentality, as at the end of the day, this is all you can control. How you react to stresses, how you react to the social cage your in. Because what you'll realize is although the cage is there, it doesn't have to be locked. As you mentality will set you free.

But don't be decieved in believing the Country's Dream.

I see you blinded by the lies on screens appeasing what we cannot conceive.

Lies of threats, lies of hate, fermented in the pits of dread.

Following so blindly, like sheep to the Border Collie.

Following so blindly, like the cattle to the slaughter house.

Obeying and conforming, like a dog for a treat.

We're stuck here without a feat.

Because we're too busy after that treat. The Country's Dream, but we're deceived and believed that the treat was the best society could be. So don't be a sheep and follow the heard, be unique and prosper.

For we are all carbon, under immense heat and pressure, we will either crumble or turn into a diamond, it is your own determination and will power to ensure that once you fall, you shall raise again. Don't turn to dust in the winters dusk instead shine during tomorrow's dawn.

Live, Laugh, Love.

I write this after climbing from the pits of hell, slaying my demons and finding help through medical professionals. Although times are tough, you will make it through another day and so live and not just survive. Be you, be be-a-u-tiful. As your spark of life will ignite and burn so very bright and you too, will become a diamond.