Writing Down The Bones #9

This post is inspired by Denise E Lindquist. I never would have known about this deck of cards if it wasn't for her. So thank you Denise for sharing this lovely deck of cards with all of us on Vocal.

Full disclosure: I have not read Natalie Goldberg's book titled by the same name. I just own her cards.

I also receive a small commission from Amazon if you purchase these cards via the link that I have provided for you. Thank you.

I've been stuck in a writing rut. I have honestly tried everything to get myself out of the funk I have found myself in after losing my fourth child. I tried reading more- when I have time that is. I tried art journaling. I even tried listening to my favourite podcasts about writing and writers block. I mean nothing has been able to get me out of this writers block and depression I find myself in.

I was scrolling Vocal and I came across another post by Denise that featured these cards. And I thought to myself, maybe this is it. SO I bought them. I thought to myself, "Maybe this is what I need". I've been carrying the cards around for about a month- trying to get "in the mood" to write again. I started writing this on my Kindle Scribe today while I was at home and I felt everything just flow. I'm going to try and post every prompt that I work on. I truly love tarot and oracle cards as well as affirmation cards, that is why I clicked so well with these.

SO without further ado- enjoy my attempt at erasing my writer's block with the ninth prompt.

9) Tell me what you forgot to say.

The back of this card states that this prompt is to be written to a specific person. So I'm writing to the friend I can't fix my friendship with. To much time has passed and somethings an apology cannot erase. I write a lot of self-help, and mental health, and lot of positive things, but I don't talk enough about the ugly side of mental health either. To be honest, I'm embarrassed of the ugly side of it sometimes.

Well, here it goes:

The apology she deserves.

I'm sorry I missed your bachelorette party. I’m sorry all I could muster was a quick text message saying I couldn't make it. You deserved a phone call, and you deserved the truth, as stupid as the truth truly was. This is one of the biggest regrets of my life if I'm being honest with you.

I was too scared that my ex was going to have an issue with the kids and need something from me. I drove all the way to the city, panicked about the possibilities of a night out and how it was going to go. I wasn't close to any of your other friends. I was worried about my kids. I went to the river instead after I texted you, and talked to our friend that had committed suicide.

Which is strange when I think about it now but I wasn't in the right mental place to go to a Bachelorette party. I had a case of coolers in my jeep. I had no excuses other than my own head. It wasn't you. It was all me.

I've tried reaching out since to explain but I truly do understand why you won't talk to me again. I hurt you one too many times and it was my fault we drifted apart in our twenties. I should have been there. I truly should have been there that night and I shouldn't have let the anxiety I was experiencing dictate what should have been an amazing night of celebrating my best friend, the person who picked up the pieces of my broken heart after I was cheated on and abused. The person who always listened without judgement. I was the asshole. I know I was. I mean it, I am truly so sorry. I let you down just like I did the night of your 19th birthday. And I have no excuse other than I was scared that my ex was going to try and control me because I was having a night out. And sure enough what did I do on the drive home? I answered his call. And what did I do when I got back to town? I went to his house. I wasn't ready to see how badly that relationship controlled every aspect of my life back then. But it did. I knew something was going to happen, that's why I didn't come. I should have been a better friend and I wish I could tell you all of this.

I seen pictures of the wedding. You looked beautiful. I still follow your life on Instagram and I'm in awe of the person you are and the person you are becoming. I admire you so much. Thank you for introducing me to TikTok. Thank you for picking up the phone so many times when I needed someone to talk to. Thank you for being the good guy. I miss you and our friendship so much. I wish I was there that night. I wish I didn't let my anxiety get the best of me. I'm just sorry this apology letter came too late. Too many years too late. I'm just sorry. I wish I had your number so I could just send this to you. I'm kind of embarrassed to post this actually as back at that time, you were not the only person I just up and ghosted in my life.

I missed out on a Tinder date, with a really great guy after a bad breakup because I was too scared of how serious he was about me. Granted he did rent a hotel and buy me steaks and flowers because we didn't know how the night was going to go. I'll always regret that month of my life. I wasn't the person that I am now. I wasn't medicated. I wasn't in therapy. I was just, in survival mode and there is no apology that can fix the mess that I made back then. I'm just sorry. I hope maybe one day I can fix the mistakes that I have made.

I think this apology letter goes to show that we aren't always the good guys, even when we want to be. We are all human. We all make horrible mistakes. We are unkind, we are selfish. We are human beings. It took me a long time to accept that our mistakes don't define who we are. We are just people figuring life out for the first time. Maybe one day I'll be in my 60s cackling with my high school best friend over how stupid anxiety disorders are. And maybe we can be friends again like we used to be. I feel so bad about the way this friendship ended. But I should have handled my anxiety better. I know now that I needed some help. And I'm proud to sya that I got better. I found someone so patient with me on bad days. I found peace with me. That's not an easy feat to accomplish. I'm not always the good person in someone else's book and I have accepted that for what it is. I'm just going to have to live with certain things for the rest of my life. It's okay to be human. It's not okay to hurt someone else, whether it be intentionally or unintentionally.

This is honestly one of the hardest pieces that I ever wrote.

Thank you for reading.

Be kinder to yourself.

Chloe Rose Violet 🌹

Part One: Writing Down The Bones Deck

Part Two: Writing Down The Bones Deck #2

Part Three: Writing Down The Bones Deck #3

Part Four: Writing Down The Bones Deck #4

Part Five: Writing Down The Bones Deck #5

Part Six: Writing Down The Bones Deck #6

Part Seven: Writing Down The Bones Deck #7

Part Eight: Writing Down The Bones Deck #8