What It Feels Like

This wasn’t supposed to happen, she said. She thought she had weathered all the storms, she thought she had fought all of obstacles that already taught her everything she knew about life. The thing is, he was different. He opened up this piece of her that she thought died. This piece of her that was trapped, alone, imprisoned in her own thoughts. Closed off and shut the door. Crying in the dark. Understanding for so long, that no one will ever be able to understand her. She lived most of her life with that in her head. At this point in her life, she was ready to accept that. He stopped her in her tracks.

He forced her to see everything she didn’t want to face. She saw everything in front of her, all of the pain, the trauma, the feelings she hasn’t moved past, and it scared her. She knows he feels her too. She doesn’t really know what to do. So she writes. She makes art. She listens to music. She listens to the echoes of the music entering through her, making her believe. She felt the magic, music always made her feel this way. Music always made her heart feel things she didn’t know she could feel. Maybe that’s how he made her feel too. Somewhere out in this deep abyss, and the wide expanses of this churning ocean, the waters so deep, the fields, the trees, everything that keeps her far far away, feels only like a small door.

She feels like Alice in Wonderland, walking through the door of one reality into another. She steps into this place she is unfamiliar with, but she knows it all too well. She’s been there, she’s felt those feelings. She feels the warm energy cascading down and out and through her. The way she feels so spiritual, the way she feels so happy and overcome with this feeling that in the end, she mattered. She didn’t think she did. She didn’t love herself. She didn’t think she could do what her heart called her to do.

Her heart called her in so many different directions throughout her life, and she always tried to follow her passion. Although there were lots of bumps in the road. Lots of places she had been to that were scary, and sad, and dark, and unhealthy. Lots of places where she fed into her addictions and her weaknesses and let herself go. Lots of tests and trials that seemed like it was just God punishing her all that time, so she thought. She thought that must be why. That must be why things just stop spinning so fast, everything slows down. She remembers where she is. She looks around and sees what has become. She’s always wished for something more.

She’s always felt his spirit. She didn’t know it until then. That’s what it was, all this time. Pulling her in these directions. Bringing her to these realizations about life, about herself. This feeling that life really is a circle. A full circle of cosmic karmic energy that will come back to you and slap you in the face and make you seriously question the fabric of reality, of time, of existence itself. That was how he made her feel. It scared her, it terrified her, it spoke to her, it challenged her, it made her cry, it made her smile, it made her laugh, it made her heart soar, it made everything around her seem like it was just waiting for him.

That she was. That there was a time that he didn’t exist in the world she knew, but now, she couldn’t keep him out of her reality. She wanted her reality, his reality, to merge into this beautiful, passionate timeline of frequency and energy, of love, of truth, of peace, of creativity, of music, of love, of the air in their lungs all floating up inside each other to slowly breathe each other in and feel the thing they both thought they had lost completely in this world. It turns out each one of them held the missing piece to the other person’s heart.