Wasted Dreams, Empty Promises

I was told when I was a kid, that when you grow up, you go to college and then you get a job and a house and have kids and do all of the things my parents did. Turns out, that's not actually what life in America has ever been like. This picture of the perfect "nuclear family" doesn't exist, and for a lot of my life, I have let that hold me back from really seeing what I can do in this world. I'm still processing everything, but I have done a lot of healing over the last year. Now, I want to do something big, like I've always wanted to. I want the life I imagined as a little girl to be true.

I want to feel valued and appreciated. I don't think I've ever felt truly valued or appreciated at my jobs, ever. It's kind of hard to work towards something when you don't have someone cheering you on and encouraging you to pursue your dreams instead of just saying that's "impossible" or "that's never going to happen".

Now, I just need to figure out WHAT I'm going to do. I want to do something that I never thought I could, I want to make a change for the world that will help everyone, I want to do something important. I'm always too shy to go for it, though. I get scared, mostly because of the negative things I've heard all growing up.

A little girl who was a bit of a tomboy, who liked to play with cars and toy rockets and run around the playground on a sunny afternoon with her friends, swinging higher and higher until she jumps into air and tumbles gracefully towards the grass. (I used to love doing that because I always wanted to see how high I could go.)

It really sucks growing up and not understanding why you didn't get the support that everyone else did, especially when from all outward appearances and society's expectations, they assume you are fine. I wasn't. I had a lot of terrible things happen to me, and I was never allowed to talk about them.

I have never felt like I could just pour my heart out online without feeling like I will be judged or hurt for speaking my mind, but I decided in 2025, that I'm not going to do that anymore. When I say things, I mean them. I mean that I have such a love for humanity, and I always have.

I can feel the world when things aren't going well, I can feel the pain, the sacrifice, the broken promises. The empty dreams of tomorrow. The empty dreams play like visions in my head of the past:

Anne Marie on a sunny afternoon in her bedroom with her keyboard and guitar, trying to write a song or do something creative. Anne Marie in her room upstairs painting. No one ever asking what I'm doing, no one interested in what I'm doing. I'm just by myself, working on projects and things that most people will never see except for me. I was too afraid to share, I was too afraid people would be like them. Judgmental, critical.

I am tough, but I've only grown tough from the treatment I received and the unfortunate experiences of my past. No one every really took me seriously, I was just "Baby" until probably 12 years old. Being just the baby, that everyone "protects", that everyone holds back, that everyone ignores, that everyone neglects, that everyone hurts, that everyone walks all over.

That little girl was/is me.