I Got Divorced at 28

My ex-husband was an avid Trump supporter. That's not why I divorced him, though. I do find it interesting over the last few years though that I've seen more couples breaking up over political division than anything else, and I guess my thinking with that one is, how did you not know your partner's views? People's views can change over time, sure, but I just feel like that's not a reason entirely for divorce. That's why I said that is not the reason I divorced my ex, because it wasn't even part of the reason. I just felt beginning with that information might make you think about what marriage really means to you.

Anyway, I got married when I was 23 years old and fresh out of college, to my "college sweetheart". He wasn't really my college sweetheart, but we dated all through college. It became a normal, comfortable routine. As we got older and our relationship progressed, I began to realize that I wasn't making decisions in life for the right reasons: I was doing everything because that's what I thought was expected of me. Instead of getting to know myself when I became an adult, exploring the world, figuring exactly what it is that I want to do and be in the world, I married someone out of the convenience of the belief that I was not good enough for anyone else, and my ex is the person who made me believe that over the course of decades. That sounds entirely sad and pathetic, and I guess it is, I don't know. I never really loved him, and he was abusive to me. He has a terrible time managing his anger, and he used to blame me for everything. Everything was suddenly my fault whenever anything went wrong. I was the one to be blamed, even if it wasn't my fault.

I remember the last Christmas I had with my ex, I was putting up the Christmas Tree by myself, because he never helped me out with those things. Ever. We had gotten a real tree as we did every year, and I had begun the daunting process of carrying it inside, putting it in the tree stand, screwing it in, and watering it. Well, I needed a little help getting the tree stood up, so I asked my ex to hold the tree straight while I screwed it into the trunk, holding it in place. He kept getting mad that he had to stand there for literally one minute while I did that. He did NOT care. He was only interested in himself and anything that he stood to gain: he thought he was better than everyone else, especially me. When I accidentally slipped and the tree wobbled under him, he screamed at me so loud, so piercing that it made my eardrums shake. His face was so red, and I was worried something worse might happen. How did this man have such little patience, and how could he treat a woman that he supposedly loved in such a careless and cruel manner if he actually truly loved her? So I don't think he ever loved me either, even though he claims that he did. We're not going to get into all the nitty gritty here.

My point is, I had kind of put myself in this situation because of my self-esteem, and my upbringing, and the idea that I probably wasn't going to do anything that great or grand in my life, so I may as well give up now and just do what I'm supposed to do. We never had children. Thank God. If I had had children with that man, and had to see him all the time still, I don't what I would do. Let me give you an example: one of our last "dates", we went out to eat. I remember when the waiter came to take our food, I was still unsure what I wanted to order. He looked at me with this pissed off, angry, and impatient look, as if my mere presence was holding him up. A mere smile or extra time or anything like that would just make him angrier. He ordered for me, and after the waiter walked away, he started going on a tirade to me about how I need to do better. For the first time, I began to see the true nature of this man. Tears were falling down my cheek, I did nothing wrong. I simply needed more time. Why was he making me feel like this over a fucking meal? Then, he started talking to me about children. He said, his parents and him have been talking, and that they really need us to have kids, now.

I looked at him with shock, because I just couldn't believe my ears. I said: "having children is a huge decision, a decision that comes out of the love of two people who want to create a life and work together to build that life. it is a decision both people in the relationship make together, and no one else." I was right, and he knew it. He still decided to make me feel bad anyway. He made me feel like love, true, real love, was an impossible thing, so I began believing that lie, too. The last thing he said to me there that really sealed the deal was

"Well, if you don't start having kids with me now, I am going to have to look elsewhere"

Again, I was flabbergasted.

"Are you implying that you would go have sex with another woman while we are together and have a child with them?"

"Maybe, or maybe I'll just go find a prostitute I don't know!" he said.

At this point, let me be clear, I was in the parking lot, after storming out of the restaurant, after being in the bathroom the whole time after he told me that and crying. When I got out of the bathroom, he had finished his meal. I hadn't eaten anything. I didn't care about that, I just ran out. He got in his car and started circling around the parking lot and yelling at me about this stupid shit in broad daylight. I honestly felt kind of mortified, too. That was such a personal conversation, not something that happens in the middle of a restaurant parking lot for all of the world to listen.

At that point, I knew that any man who said he would have to "look elsewhere", was not someone I wanted to be with. Ever. Eventually, I got the courage to leave and within a year, I was back living with my parents. I had nothing. No money. Nothing. He left me nothing and I asked for nothing. We didn't have children, so I felt it was best not to bicker about this, but to simply end a 6 year marriage that was never anything to write home about to begin with. What I really learned from that situation was to always stand up for yourself and be true to yourself, and NEVER settle.

Everyone deserves to have happiness. I chose happiness and the prospect of actual love over money. My ex's family was well off, I mean, they owned land and had money, but they weren't millionaires. There was enough that they had that I never had to worry about buying a house, or land, or being homeless. We would inherit everything, and we were already living on the family land. To all outside observers, this looked like the best situation. I wasn't happy though. None of that mattered to me. In the end, I realized that there has to be a balance.

You can't marry for convenience, or for money, or for your family, or for anyone else. You should marry someone because they are your partner, because you have the same goals in life, because you bring out the very best in each other and you finally feel like someone out there understands who you truly are, deep down. You marry someone because you WANT to make babies with them. To be honest, if you're not feeling like you want to make babies with the person, they probably aren't your person. That's beside the point. I was the one who initiated the divorce and became brave enough to see that I deserved better, so I left with my car full of belongings, my old car, and zero dollars and I let him have everything else. I was ready to move on, and I did.

At the time, I thought it was the worst thing that happened to me in my entire life. I was sad, too. Even though this wasn't the right person, we still were friends, at one point in time, we still shared memories. Of course it was still difficult, even if he abused me and treated me like shit. I look back to that time at 35 years old and I think, wow, I was so naive. Naive to think that would even scratch the surface of being the worst thing that ever happened to me. After that, a whole bunch of life started happening for me and I began to learn how to think for myself, and be independent. I still have a lot of work to do on myself, and that's something I'm constantly seeking to improve. I look back on my failed marriage today and instead of feeling regret for all that time I lost, now I look back and feel glad.

Even though it led me to experiencing some of the darkest times in my life, it also led me here, where I am right now, writing and telling you this story. So, if you are reading, or listening, I want you to take away one thing and one thing only from this:

You deserve exactly what you want in life.

You deserve to have the life you want, you deserve to be able to go for your goals and live your dreams and achieve success. You deserve to be with people that support that and value your intelligence, so don't every marry anyone who doesn't support you. Marry for the right reasons, marry for LOVE. True love. To be honest, I think that's why there are so many divorces that have happened. No one is marrying for love anymore. Love is the only reason for anything in the world and this universe. Why would we take that out of our lives? Why would we deny ourselves something so beautiful? I often wonder these things about humanity, I really do.

So my take away is this: the next time you are faced with a big decision, FOLLOW YOUR HEART, NOT YOUR HEAD. That is the most important lesson I've ever learned in my life. It sounds contradictory and dangerous, but it's not. Take the risk, do the crazy and fun and outrageous things: live with intensity and love and passion and freedom and light. Take the risk because you owe it to yourself to find out if that is what you truly want in life. So, never give up, never give in. Live free, love often. Surround yourself with the people that lift you up and love you back just as much as you love them. That's the way to true love and inner peace.