The Colors of Grief

The first time I learned that someone I knew committed suicide I was ten. I heard my mom talking to one of her friends about a kid who went to the local high school. When I went to school that same morning, the elementary school gym teacher made a point of sitting my class down outside on the basketball court. I don't remember much about the speech except this: "If you are going through anything, know you have me in your corner."

That was almost 15 years ago. Since then, I have lost too many in their battle with the demons in their head. Two of them happened about a week before I wrote Red. Not knowing how else to process their deaths, I wrote the micro-fiction piece, and later submitted it into the flash fiction category of the Vocal Writing Awards.

Gabriel's brief but emotional story at his sister's grave was one of the hardest stories I have ever written. Suicide, up to that point, was something I never wanted to write about. Part of it was worrying about potentially offending and dishonoring people; this is a sensitive subject and I didn't want to be the cause of more pain. The other part was because I felt like I would be hurting myself. I thought I had dealt with my feelings about losing people to suicide and I figured writing about it, even in a fictitious story, would be too much for me.

But after publishing Red, I participated in a writing challenge, trying to write one hundred random thoughts in 20 minutes. At number six, I admitted out loud that I was thinking of creating a series based on Red.

I couldn't help thinking Gabriel's and Andrea's stories were not finished. There were hints of what happened, but nothing substantial. What happened to Andrea? What took her on this path? How does Gabriel heal from his sister's suicide?

So I started planning. The ideas of using the acronym ROY G BIV and naming the series Colors of Grief were no-brainers to me. But after that, things were difficult to say the least.

One thing that took some time figuring out was how to bring in the other colors into the story. The red roses in Red kind of happened by chance; I wrote the story first and the title came afterward. I tossed around the idea of different colored flowers, but it felt too simple. There was a connection to Andrea with the red roses, so I realized the other items needed have a connection to her as well.

The idea of using a sweatshirt for Orange came to me when I saw my dog cuddled up in my blankets. I playfully fussed about it, saying that she, my dog, would not allow me to have anything to myself (at least when it came to the bed). My mom casually mentioned how the scent on my blankets, the sheets, and pillowcases made my dog feel safe. That statement reminded me of a story I read talking about a little girl taking her sister's clothes when she wasn't home because she felt closer to her.

It was also with this story I decided to touch on what lead Andrea on her path, which leads to me bring in a couple other subjects, bullying and sexual assault. Andrea's story is inspired by major events of those I am extremely close to. For their privacy, I will not mention any details; they shouldn't have their stories out there like that.

But writing a small part of Andrea's story made me realize that this newly-born series was more than just helping me process my feelings about my own experiences and those around. It was also about shining a light on topics that can be hard to address and discuss. Realizing that gave me the courage and the strength to keep writing.

Orange also confirmed the idea of not having a schedule for my series. It's unconventional, yes, but it allows me to write Gabriel's and Andrea's stories without a sword swinging over my head. This series is not something I could rush through and publish on a schedule; it's a series that required a bit of patience. Thank you to those who waited patiently for me to add to the story, piece by piece.

Another thing I learned with Orange, was my initial goal of writing with the tight word limit of 250 words (taken from the VWA Flash Fiction category rulebook), was near impossible, especially with certain parts of the story. From Orange on, I decided to broaden my limit to 600 words, giving me some flexibility with my stories.

Next, came Yellow, the story that was rewarded a Top Story credit. This gave the series a chance to reach more people and gave me an extra boost of motivation to keep going. Don't worry, I was never planning on stopping the series, but with this being a series touching on some difficult subjects, it was great to see the sweet and encouraging comments from people. I made a point of looking back on those comments when I ran into a wall with my writing, be it struggling with a particular part or sobbing over my notebook when I related deeply with Gabriel or Andrea.

Yellow is also when I figured out a trend for my covers. (Thank you Hope Martin for helping me with this.) I was struggling how to create the covers so that when readers saw it they knew it was all part of the same series. Hoping to get a little bit of help, I posted the pictures after the story and asked for some input. Hope's comment of the symbolization behind the simpler cover (the back color with a simple line drawing), "the emptiness after the wake of grief" helped me decide. Sometimes, simple is better.

It was also with this story I decided to change from a third person (outside) point of view to a first person (Gabriel's) point of view. The biggest reason for this change was because I couldn't find another way of writing Yellow. These were all Gabriel's deepest thoughts and writing in the third person was not demonstrating the depth of his emotions with being in Andrea's old room. I then went back and changed Orange's point of view. I ultimately decided to keep Red as it was, not only because of entering it in to the VWAs, but also because it was an introduction to the series. Otherwise, with this being a flash/micro-fiction piece, the only way the reader would have known who was the main character was if I wrote his name at the beginning. (At least that's how I saw it.)

After completing Yellow, I sat down at my computer to write Green, along with a couple of ongoing pieces. Usually the way I write, I am working on several pieces at the same time, bouncing around so as to avoid the dreaded writer's block. I published three pieces in the span of shy over a week, and felt like I was doing well. What I didn't know was that a cloud was hovering over me ready to drench me in a torrential downpour.

Due to a lack of sleep and an intense Lyme's flareup, my mental health went down the drain. I was barely motivated to get out of bed and go to work, much less write or even read. There were a few times I tried to write anything, but I felt the words were forced and nothing was coming through clearly. I felt like I was failing as a writer, but also fought with the feeling I couldn't considered myself as a writer if I stopped for a time.

I had to keep reminding myself of something an author said on TikTok. (I do not know her name and am not sure if I could find the video at this point.) She was speaking about going on a break from her writing and how beneficial it could be. Then she said this: "You are still a writer when you are taking a break. It doesn't matter how long the break is, you are still a writer."

In time, I finally clawed my way out of my mental health down spiral and with a renewed energy, I started to write again.

Blue was one of the easiest ones for me to plan and write. Once I started the original planning, I knew I wanted to have a scene where Gabriel was sitting on a blue couch in a middle of a therapy session. And yes, this is completely a nod to my poetry collection that I nicknamed #thebluecouchproject due to the blue couch on the cover.

It was at this point that I thought more about the future of this series (specifics later). This has become something I am extremely proud of. Talking about multiple sensitive subjects I never thought I would address in my writing and keeping up with an series (something I thought wouldn't be possible with my version of ADHD). But seeing myself continue with a writing project, even though it was difficult sometimes, has strengthen my confidence in myself.

Part of that self-confidence is in my ability to write a full-length novel. Yes, it is a far way off from a micro/flash fiction series, but this series help me realize I could do it with a little patience for myself.

Blue later received the honor of a Top Story credit, something I am truly humbled by every time. I started this with low expectations, and now, to see this series touch people the way it has is truly surreal. To be honest, I cried a little.

The idea of having Indigo written mostly as a journal entry was a no-brainer, especially since things were set up so nicely in Blue. Speaking of Blue, I left a tiny challenge to see who might be able to figure out what color the journal was. By the way, it's indigo.

Since indigo is the darkest color of the ROY G BIV colors, I also planned early on for this to the point to talk about when Gabriel found Andrea the night she died.

Recently I was reminded how much of ourselves we put into our writing, be it in the small details or by writing fictionalized versions of events in our life. How very true it was for the stories in this series, especially Indigo. For example, I prefer sunsets to sunrises and one of my go-to artists to listen to is Lewis Capaldi. There are quite a few more details taken straight from my life, some sadly being darker moments. (Since they involve other people, I will not be explaining these.)

Oh, this one is of my favorite ones. After reading a quote of Nelson Mandela and finding out a little bit about what people link to purple butterflies, Violet came together pretty easily.

It was a nice change of pace to write a sweet memory involving Andrea and Gabriel, especially since this series has been filled with a lot of sadness. I also feel it gave a little more insight into Andrea's personality; she is someone who looks for the deeper meaning behind things such as butterflies.

With the epilogue, I hit a bit of a roadblock. I mean, how was I supposed to end Gabriel's journey. Then something my mom told me came to mind: "Grief never goes away; it changes with time." I wanted to make sure that message was clear in the closing paragraph and I had a hard time figuring out how to word it.

Up to this point, the plan was to tell the stories in seven or eight short stories. Seven colors, plus an epilogue. Then a comment from Hope Martin open my eyes to some details that I felt wouldn't be answered in just seven/eight stories, specifically the point about someone being brought to justice. (Thank you for inspiring this idea Hope.)

So it is my great honor to tell you that there will be bonus chapters to the series.

But this is where I need your help. Below I will list some of the chapters I have planned and what will be discussed in each chapter. With this being a micro/flash fiction series, there are definitely some plot holes or other scenes I am sure I missed.

Here is the going list. This list will be updated depending on what you suggest.

Maroon - Expanding on what happened with the rosebush mentioned in Red

? - Gabriel looks into Andrea's rapist. Might happen after Orange.

Grey - Gabriel visits Andrea's rapist in prison. This will probably happen between Blue and Indigo

Oh, wait there's more. I am planning on doing an Andrea's version of ROY G BIV. I felt there were certain details that couldn't be addressed from Gabriel's point of view.

And now, I want to take the time to thank all who have read through this series and left encouraging comments. You are part of the reason this series has and will be continuing. So thank you for your support and your help.