Should I Stop Hoping Now?

The final sign of autumn’s turnover was leaving the park and as the chill started to set in and the wind blew stiff through the park. And once, I woke up and realized that I was sitting on this same old rusty bench, that we used to hold each other, talk about our dreams. The city around me seemed not to notice my turmoil and continued on its usual pace despite the silence in my heart. It had been eight months since she broke up with me, and I couldn't help but wonder: should I stop hoping now?

The Breakup

I recalled her words, even to this day, after all these months of stays in the prison. ‘I can’t do this anymore,’ she had said, each word trembling as if it freezes the very air around her. "The distance is too much." I had felt as if the world had suddenly opened up and the physical distance that had been between us had become a wall that could not be crossed. We had attempted to cope up the distance with late night phone calls and sincere messages, but it was not sufficient.

Reflection on the Park Bench

The only thing I could do was to sit and look around and remember the moments that we have spent together. It was the sound of her laugh, the inside jokes, the way she looked when she spoke of the things she loved – it was all like watching a movie replay in my head. The park with familiar paths and benches was a witness to our story. But now the same place was different, it seemed colder, and it seemed as if even the place did not want to be linked with our love.

The Weight of Silence

“Why are you still clinging?” My best friend Sam inquired the last time we had spoken. We were in a small café, the smell of coffee as well as warm cakes wafting through the air and the sound of the people’s voices in the background. "It's been 8 months, man. Maybe it's time to let go."

I then took the cup of coffee in my hand and put it to my lips, I was realizing the heat as it deposited itself in my belly. "I don't know, Sam. It's just... I can’t help but feel that there is still hope. Maybe, somehow, we can make it work.”

Sam moved forward and looked into the camera, his face serious. "Listen, I get it. I really do. But it is important to consider what would be best for you. Thus, expectation of something that may never come can prevent one from being happy with what they have in other relationships.

Self-Care and Growth

What Sam said to me, I was able to take it with me and think about it for the rest of the day. I started to become self-absorbed, with an aim of reconstructing the lost facets of my personality. I started jogging regularly as I felt comforted by the sound of my feet hitting the pavement. I began writing, expressing myself on paper, attempting to find order in the mess that raged inside of me.

One day on my way home after work in the evening, the sun was setting, and the sky was painted in pink and orange colors, again I was at the park. This time I took my notebook with me, thinking that perhaps the act of writing at a place that we had made so intimate to each other will help me find some answers.

A Glimmer of Hope

As I wrote, it dawned on me that it was not such a bad thing to hold on to hope all the time. That is why hope was the only thing that kept me going through some of the worst experiences in my life. It had provided me a purpose to rise up every single day and meet the world, inspite of the fact that I was feeling like a failure. But there was the thin line between hope and wishful thinking and I needed to tread this line.

I was suddenly awakened by a message notification. It was from her. I could feel my heart beating faster as I tried to decipher the few words written. "Hey, how have you been?" Such a powerful sentence with simple words that could convey all the frustration of not speaking to someone for months.

The Conversation

We decided to meet at the park as we used to do in the past when we were still friends. When I got near, I saw her sitting on the bench that we have been to many times in the past. She appeared otherwise, polished, but her eyes were the same – warm, the reason why I was initially attracted to her.

”Hi,” I said, joining her on the bed.

”Hello,” she said shyly, while her voice barely rose above a whisper. "It's been a while."

“Well, it has,” I replied, although inside me, I was a cocktail of confusion and anxiety. "So, what's new?"

We spoke for a long time, and it seemed like no time had passed since we last met. We laughed, we talked and gradually the barriers that separated us disappeared.

“I have missed you,” I said softly, my gaze meeting hers. But I have also come to know that this coldness is not just a geographical one. It is not what we want to reach but how much of it we are willing to work for.

I just nodded my understanding of what she was trying to clarify to me. "I've missed you too. And that’s why I have been spending my time thinking about us and whether the hope should still be preserved.

She breathed out, raising her eyes to the increasingly cloudy sky. "Hope is important. It keeps us going. However, we also need to be reasonable in our expectations of what we are capable of doing. Perhaps we can go to the next level, and then we will see how it will turn out?”

That was the end of it, we said our goodbyes and I went home feeling a lot more clear-headed than I had been in the past few months. I found out that hope is not a mere denial of the bitter genuineness of life, but also acceptance the future with optimism. We were still unsure whether we would get back together or not, but I was sure of one thing – I needed to start living again for myself.

Ultimately, the question of what to do with hope was not so much about surrender as it was about when to stop hoping and start living. The story, however, was about the process that was life, not the goal that was death.