Cracks the door
Peers round the edge
nose follows eyes, mouth follows nose.
‘Hello?’
‘I, er, am I okay to… Its just….’
It’s just I’ve been away a while. I’ve been away a while and I’m not sure if it’s ok if I….
Enters, but leaves the door ajar at her back
I’ve been away, and it’s not been by choice. Not really. It’s been a sojourn mandated by pain, and the pain has not yet resolved. But I have. As the weather turns, and the children return to school, as the evenings grow shorter, and longer, losing in light and stretching in containment, I have resolved that certain things won’t do. It won’t do, for example, that the house has grown gradually more cobwebbed, more grimed in the corners, more dusty where perhaps it does matter. It won’t do that I never stretch, because why stretch what doesn’t hurt when you can’t stretch what does. And it won’t do that joint pain means I can’t write how I like to write, and so I don’t write at all.
And so I am resolved that what won’t do must no longer do. And yet I leave the door ajar. This is important, as we must all face the sad reality of life that sometimes what won’t do must do after all. But this is no reason not to try, and so here I am, microphone on, dictation software making its own “creative suggestions”, stumbling over words that would flow from my fingers easily and wondering whether I will ever learn. We like to think we are adaptable, no? I for one, have shown myself to be inconsistently so. Televisual streaming came so easily, but using my telephone to make payments in actual shops appears to be a leap too far. Also, in the finest tradition of human motivation, I have accidentally paid for it, and so I really ought to get some use.
So, back on vocal. What’s new? For me, a lot. This, is my deal with myself. I am allowed to dictate, and only dictate. If it’s not flowing verbally, then I’m going to need to walk on by. And no overindulging either. Gluttony is not my friend here. Nine months after I stopped writing, the improvements in my pain are only marginal and I don’t want to dash hopes for the future, particularly as it is now rare that pain keeps me awake all night. Maybe they are less marginal than I thought. Secondly, I am not going to be pulling my weight. My previous engagement with this platform was incredibly enriching. I finally found the motivation for a consistent writing practice, and felt I was improving. Alongside that, I held a steadfast belief in reciprocation and for me reciprocation extended beyond a paired exchange and into a willingness to create space and platform for other voices by reading, commenting, and promoting. Now, scrolling hurts, typing hurts, simply holding the phone on which I read most of my vocal articles hurts. And so my definition of reciprocity must narrow. Probably to a tit-for-tat closed circle which was what I tried to push back against in the past.
That said, another reason vocal was so enriching for me was that I felt I built a reciprocal relationship with a number of creators, creators who I have thought about over the past nine months, wondered about, missed their voices, held in mind. And I come, cap in hand, hoping to be allowed back into the circle, even whilst painfully aware that I may not be able to stay.
And you see this ragged break between paragraphs? This is why I may not be able to stay. I think what I have loved about writing is that flow state we enter, where we leave the complexities of our real lives bubbling on the side and enter a mental space in which we are able to manipulate and master the rivulets of thoughts and feelings that pass through us, recognising that they pass through us rather than define us and that we can direct them, shepherd them with our choice of words, and choose where they flow. This, it transpires, is not something which I do verbally. That and the constant instructions to correct I must offer make this process a whole heap less satisfying than it once was. But again, I believe it is time for me to try. Despite my fear that I have lost all progress, despite my fear that any skill I had with my fingers cannot be replicated with my voice, despite my fear that I will have to give up again, and that might feel even worse the second time. At least I can blame any nonsensical typing errors on the software.
Let’s see how I do.
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I have criticisms. You'll note the pleural. At the end of August, I joined a local writers group on a trial basis. A "dark fiction" group. I'm not fussy. I'd have given it a whirl if it was romantic fiction, fantasy fiction, historical fiction, erotic fiction, young adult fiction, any kind of fiction. Actually maybe not science fiction. I think I would find myself distressingly bogged down in the research and become frustrated by my failure to invent, for the purpose of a small scene in the opening sequence of my story, a plausible mechanism for teleportation. But this was a "dark fiction" group. I had to write a kind of audition piece and everything. I wasn't really sure where the bounds of dark fiction lie, so I tried to go dark, but nor was I really sure where the bounds of dark fiction lie, so I tried not to go too dark. I'm still not really sure where the bounds of dark fiction lie, but I worry less.
By Hannah Mooreabout a year ago in Writers
Comments (13)
I just thought about you the other day, happy to hear from you again! Sorry you've be having a shit time! Missed you, happy to see your semi-back!! 💚
Hannahhhhhh! Gosh it so good to hear from you! You are always welcome in the Vocal community. You don't even have to do anything. You will always have a space among us and in our hearts. I do hope your pain gets better. Sending you lots of love and hugs ❤️
Hannah. I was so excited to see your name again, then saddened to know pain still flows your way. Still it is selfish of me to want to read more from you, yet I understand. Take care and when you write ..you write
So good to hear your voice. I scrolled through my notifications and thought "Could it be? Is this for real?" and yes, it was! Something from Hannah! I feel for you. To be in pain is the worst; when it stops you from doing one of the things that you love best, that's a double whammy. Give the software a try. We'll forgive the errors that it generates just to read your stuff and delve into the imagination and musings of Hannah again. Take care, my friend and welcome back.
Hello there, Hannah! Just like everyone else here, I was happy to see a story notification from you. It's like everything else at the moment became secondary, I had to read it right away and got exactly what I hoped for--an update from a writer that I have learned from by reading their work. Your work! Sad to hear about the RSI but from what you say, it hasn't gotten worse but slightly better, just not in the way that allows complete relief. I never thought about having to dictate as a form of writing and understand what you mean about how the connection isn't the same. So weird... It's not the same, but glad you discovered it as a way to help satisfy the writing bug. So yeah, welcome back, Hannah! Can't wait to read what you publish next! No pressure! 🍻🤗
My thoughts are with you, Hannah. I can’t imagine how hard it has been, and the very idea of being forced to give up doing what I love the most fills me with dread. I hope that pain goes away completely. In the meantime, even your limited participation is appreciated. ❤️
Hannah, sorry to read about the RSI "fun" you have to deal with, but happy to see your name pop up in my notifications. Here's to your resolve!
Oh, Hannah, what a comeback! I missed your voice here and no matter how limited your presence is it is better than nothing. I do hope that the pain will become less and less and that you get more comfortable with your dictation software as you use it. We are indeed adaptable and who knows you might even like it after all. Welcome back and do take care of yourself.
Hannah, welcome back. I am sorry to hear about the pain...but as this piece proves....you have resilience. And we will be with you with every word you write.
I have missed your wonderful writer’s voice and the pleasure I always experienced when I saw that you posted something new. I’m sorry that your RSI has only marginally improved and fervently hope that you find a way to thrive as a writer through dictation. Vocal is lesser with you absent, Hannah. Welcome back!
All I have to say is your talents have been missed, and it brought me great joy to see your name again!
Welcome back. Sorry that you're still in pain. That sucks actually. And I hope it doesn't cause you to have to leave again, but understandable if it does. Good luck.
Oh today was a good day after some bad days, bad year etc. But, it got a tiny bit better. Overly dramatic - I don't know that I really give a shit. Hannah, my friend, cohort. It is good to hear from you, read from you - even if it is through the more troublesome method of diction. I am sorry your RSI is still not giving you peace and pain-free existence. Selfish it may be, but I am glad to see you back and missed you a lot. I am deciding to be stupidly open about that. Just so you know, it was reciprocated and appreciated the friendship we had, as I'm sure so many others have with you. So, I for one, say, good on you, for not giving up. I will totally understand if it gets too depressing or aggravating, as I've always said, you have to do what is best for you. So yes, of course you're welcomed back in the circle. As if we could keep you out, for fuck's sake. Anyway. Kinda shocked to see you appear there. I may add more to this comment soon. I don't want to overwhelm. But as soon as I saw your name in my notitications, I ran to, or you know, clicked to it and read it. Welcome back, Hannah.