Redeeming Birth

The honour of birthing both of my girls is unparalleled. In my books, the experience of child birth is utterly unmatched. With sweet Emme’s very first birthday drawing closer by the day, my thoughts are naturally replete with reminiscent memories of her bold and beautiful birth. From conception through 9 months of pregnancy to her day of birth, this beautiful cascade of events happened that put God’s loving nature and redemptive character on display. I am forever humbled and grateful for Him and how He holds me in His hands. I can’t wait to share how special this journey has been with you.

After being thoroughly ‘code-blue’, dead on the floor of the hospital in 2020 after my uterine surgery and very major complications (you can read about that here), I think most people would have understood if we chose to be a family of 3 forevermore. Genuinely for a long time, even I, myself, was feeling content to keep things status quo. Traumatized was a word that only lightly described how I felt back then but because of God, my trauma would not be the end of our family story. My trauma wouldn't be the stopping point but rather a slight pause. I’m learning not to place periods where God has given me a comma instead. How often do I try to make plans or hold steadfast to not making plans when I really just need to rest and trust in His plan and timing? All too often. Truthfully, after my surgery and complications, I was in no rush to plan or even consider a second baby which in a way was me planning to not add to our family... but in only the way that God can, He whispered into my heart and moved things along for me despite my intentions. Suddenly, one day came along and there was this deep sense of knowing that I would have another baby, whether I was ready for it or not… Whether I felt capable or not. I know that God doesn’t call those who are qualified to fulfill His plans, His ways, or His vision. He qualifies those He calls through intense processes of refinement and sanctification. I was not ready to accept that God wanted us to have another baby mostly due to the idea of another hemorrhage. Considering another near death experience had me full of anxious thoughts and what if moments. The two most prominent lies that the devil fed me on a daily basis were, “What if I hemorrhage during the pregnancy this time and have to bear the grief of losing my baby?” And the worst one, “What if I die during birth because I hemorrhage and then my two children are motherless?” Both of these lies brought me to my knees in prayer to God because I couldn’t see how I was going to make it through another pregnancy to birth. I knew for certain that I wasn’t going to be able to muscle my mind through another pregnancy or birth or postpartum experience, but I also knew for certain that God could bring me through it. And thus began the intense process of refinement and sanctification and preparation in me for Emme and her arrival. And truly, God was absolutely my strength, my fortress, my rock, and my shield the entire time I was pregnant with Emme, during her birth and this precious year I have just spent postpartum with her.

When Kevynn and I finally started to consider another baby, we prayed over it a lot and when we finally felt confident enough to try and conceive, we merely only had to think about it and we were pregnant.

My pregnancy with Emme was so full of peace, despite 17 weeks of morning sickness that would not relent for anything. Nauseous, yes… but full of peace. A peace that only came from God. I had my Bible open to Psalms on repeat. I had worship songs playing on repeat. I was in prayer on repeat. I spent so many days just enjoying the thoughts of having another baby and when we found out we were having another girl, the joy I felt could not be contained. I felt beyond blessed. When we were choosing a name for our girl, nothing seemed right. We were pouring over lists of names and they all sounded the same. I was rocking in our rocker and Kevynn was lounging on the couch when he suggested “Emme” out loud. Her name just settled deep down in my heart and I knew that was her. Her name is so special, just like Lilly’s. I find there is such beauty in naming children and it’s such privilege. If you want to know more about Emme’s name and how absolutely fitting it is for her, that story is here.

Covered in His peace 99% of the time, meant most of the days were filled with ease and joy. The 1% of my stress came from my own worries and navigating tricky conversations with my midwives who naturally shared concerns about another hemorrhage and what things could be like when Emme was born. Ultimately, God knew exactly who I would need for Emme’s birth and He orchestrated small little moves to position me to be with the right team at the right time. At the time, these changes and hard conversations felt confusing and frustrating but they were all directing me. From starting out with a local midwife, to switching half way through, to needing to redo scans, have extra scans, consult with two OBGYNS, having some intense conversations about birth plans and signing release forms after refusing certain recommendations… God was preparing not only me, but our team, too.

But let’s get to it! The point of this whole thing: Emme’s birth!

The opening scene is beautiful, sunny September Thursday. With clear blue skies stretching for miles and birds chirping, the warm sun nudged us awake and Lilly and I met the day with smiles on our faces. At this point, I was 40 weeks and 5 days. So I knew that Emme would be born soon. Every morning held my curiosity, “Was today the day?” Having surpassed my due date was surprising enough but I also had 5 of my friends already have their September babies and I was the last one standing with babe in belly. On this day, even with the smile on my face and the warm sun beaming down on us, I was very much in my feelings about it. Everyone was encouraging me. Jovially sending me messages along the lines of “Hang in there” and “Saving the best for last” but I wasn’t having much luck finding comfort in their efforts.

With Kevynn long gone off to work already that Thursday morning, Lilly and I carried on with the usual routines. I decided we would go on an extra long walk with Nikko to encourage some good baby position and maybe spur on some labour. Despite my best efforts, by lunch time, nothing was happening. My nesting urges decided I should mop the floor and thus meticulously, I scrubbed the hardwood on the main floor. Feeling accomplished, Lilly and I then went for a nice long walk with friends to the park. A good distraction for both Lilly and I, paired with some outdoor fresh air and exercise. Whilst there, I was diligently curb stepping the wooden perimeter of the park while the girls played and I chatted with my friend, Lindsay. Even with the long walk back home in the heat, by dinner time all was normal and good. It appeared Emme and I would be heading into 40+6.

While I was getting Lilly ready for bed around 6:30pm, some contractions started up. Phased I was not... I’d been having Braxton Hicks and prodromal labour for weeks at this point. After a few of these contractions however, I thought “Oh... this might be it!” I told this to Kevynn and I texted my doula as well because these felt a bit more than the usual Braxton Hicks. I tried really hard not get too excited. Lilly and I laid down to read and I snuggled and sang her to sleep as usual. In resting and relaxing with Lilly, the contractions disappeared entirely. I figured that perhaps they may start up again after I got out of bed but if not, that they were just another round of classic Braxton Hicks. When I finally rolled myself out of bed again, the contractions did indeed begin again! This was it! It was baby day! Emme was coming! Giddy with glee, I called my midwife, Michelle, my mom and my doula! We all planned that mom and Mackenzie, our doula, would come straight away to the house. Michelle would head in to the hospital. We wouldn’t wait to time the contractions or anything like that because the hospital was a firm 45 minutes away and we really had no idea what to expect labour wise. Would she be born in the truck? Would be make it to the hospital? Would the midwives make it? Would I start to hemorrhage?

Kevynn and I grabbed the hospital and birth bags for the truck while we waited for my mom and Mackenzie to join us at the house. It would take them both about 30 minutes to get to us and the anticipation in the air was palpable but I was calm. I knew God was already on it working out all the details.

Mom and Mackenzie (our doula) arrived back to back, in synchronicity. What a delight that was! The contractions were hitting me hard and we decided to put the tens machine on and get me loaded up in the truck. Pulling out of the garage into the sunset, I looked at the clock: 8:30pm. I wondered then if she would be born before midnight. Would she arrive today or tomorrow? I didn't know but my body was working hard already! Each contraction was getting stronger and they were coming closer and closer together. I laboured in the front seat facing backward leaning over the back of the seat with my arms wrapped around the head rest and even did some deep leaning into the centre console at times. We had Mackenzie on speaker phone, following right behind us, keeping me in focus while Kevynn navigated the traffic flooding the highway that night. There were quite a few cops on duty with others already pulled over and a few waiting to catch the next passerby, but none of them seemed to notice us cruising right on by. God had us covered. We did well in traffic for most of the journey until just before the hospital where we ended up in a gridlock. I smiled hearing Kevynn tell Mackenzie that were going to be sitting a while. I just knew this was God’s timing, slowing us down for a purpose. We didn’t sit long actually. Kevynn got onto the shoulder as soon as he could and took the exit to the hospital. By the time we got to the hospital, I was getting pretty vocal. I looked at the clock as I stepped down from the truck: 9:45pm. Just over an hour on the road, not bad! Bracing myself with each contraction on whatever I could (chairs, walls, railings) meant we made a few stops on the way up to Labour and Delivery. I found that doing my deep squat really helped move through each big squeeze. We got up to the maternity floor and into a room quite quickly and found Michelle, our midwife, there. She was so calm. Mackenzie and Kevynn got all of our things set and then we all got into a good rhythm of back to back contractions with Kevynn and Mackenzie applying heavy counterpressure. The contractions just kept coming and coming and I was getting tired. I had no idea what time it was but it felt like it had been hours. I knew I was in transition because I was asking Mackenzie, "How much longer am I going to be in this?" while simultaneously telling everyone, "I can't do this, I am so tired." Transition just hits hard. But I remember Mackenzie getting our playlist on then. It was all worship songs. Earlier in my pregnancy, my friend Shana had sent me a song that I clung to during those 9 months. As God had it planned, just before the peak of transition, that song came on. When I felt like I couldn’t go on and I couldn’t bare not one more contraction, I listened. The lyrics spoke right into me and at that exact moment I opened my eyes to see Mackenzie’s cross dangling at her chest from her necklace and I felt Jesus hold me. His strength poured over me. My midwife and Mackenzie both started making suggestions for position changes at this point and I was saying no to all of it but they knew I needed to shift. I finally acquiesced and got up in the hospital bed much like I was in the truck, now leaning over the back of the bed. At this point, the contractions took me right off the deep end. I bit into Kevynn’s hand each time my body squeezed unto itself. His poor hand was covered in bite marks but offloading that tension was so helpful for me and he’s just as strong as they come, let me tell you. He was such a rock for me during Emme’s birth.

All of a sudden, my body was just not in my control any longer. I fully experienced the miraculous FER (Fetal Ejection Reflex). This was such a powerful moment for me and oddly enough, realizing I was experiencing the FER was a major dopamine hit for me and filled me enough strength and endurance to persist through the rest of labour. I was just in such awe of how God had designed this process of being able to experience my body completely move and push Emme down. The best way I can describe how this felt for me is that it was akin to when you throw up. You have absolutely zero control, your body is just heaving upwards and outwards. It was the same feelings, just inwards and downwards and a lot stronger. At this point, Michelle, my midwife told me she wanted me on my back which seemed absolutely wrong to me. Mackenzie was echoing what Michelle was saying and reassuring me but I was not interested. Of course though it was exactly what I needed! With a simple flip, I found myself in basically a very exaggerated ‘Happy Baby’ pose. I think they called it “Flying Beetle.” In this position, Emme came down and through so quickly and everyone thought I had lost my mind because I was crying out her name in repetition, “Emme! Emme! Emme!” Over and over and over. I knew she was flying through the birth canal fast and furiously, I could feel it! I wanted to slow my body from completely ejecting her as she crowned. I slowed her down as much as I could to just gently breathe her through. The ring of fire sensation is an accurate depiction here, you guys. I don’t remember that feeling with Lilly, but I absolutely felt it with Emme because she came out with her sweet little hand up by her head, reaching. A nuchal hand, they call it. With a single breath on my end, her head and hand were born together and she gripped Michelle’s finger instantly. She came all the way through in the next breath and I grabbed her and brought her to my chest. The moment I had her in my hands, I felt this wave of love crashing over me and I just held her tight to my chest. My Emme girl. She was here. I cried out with such joy. After our first snuggles and many kisses, I softly started to hum Amazing Grace to her while I stared at her with wonder and held her in my arms. She nursed and I was praising God for this blessed little bundle of bliss.

From start to finish, Emme was born within 4 hours! An hour warm up at home, an hour labouring in the truck, an hour and a bit labouring and transitioning in the hospital and she was here! It was incredible and exactly what I needed it to be! Lilly’s labour and birth was long, hard and 24 hours so I had not expected things to move along so smoothly or progress so quickly but am I ever glad they did.

As we know, my uterus is really good at bleeding. I should get an award, honestly. So it was no surprise to hear that I was bleeding continuously immediately post birth. I hadn’t torn and there was no injury. The midwives administered 3 shots, some of which were pitocin, and they didn’t do much to staunch the bleeding. The midwives called the OBGYN on shift that night to come in. As only God could plan it, the OBGYN on shift was the same one who I had consulted with at the hospital previously regarding my hemorrhaging. He was a kind and humorous man full of character who wore bright orange rain boots. He had told me after our phone consult month prior, “It was nice to meet you, but I hope I never see you.” So when he came in, I said, “I had hoped to never see you, but here we are.” He and I shared a good laugh. After chatting and observing, he suggested that he could do a manual removal of clots from my uterus that may be inhibiting it from fully collapsing and clamping down on the bleeding. His nurses wanted to administer pain meds and I vehemently declined. One of them was mortified at my refusal and countered with, “Oh honey, you’ll want them.” Well y’all already know how that went… I didn’t take them. I was also fine. It was mildly uncomfortable, but nothing more than birthing a baby. The OBGYN, manually removed the clots from my uterus and that did allow my uterus to fully clamp down and the bleeding did lessen thereafter. So we watched the bleeding, got dressed, did all the paperwork and got Emme ready to head home. Of course, we signed our “Against Medical Advice” papers to be discharged because of my bleeding they didn't want to release me. Again, I had a sense of peace and I just knew that I would be fine at home, where my heart felt safe, surrounded by my family. So by 4am, I was tucked into bed with Lilly on my left and Emme on my right. With a deep sigh of sweet relief and comfort, I fully held onto that first moment of bedsharing with my TWO beautiful girls - what a blessing!

Everyone basked in baby Emme bliss for the next two weeks! Making it to Day 10 postpartum without a fever or hemorrhage was a gift! It had been Day 10 with Lilly when thing went awry so Kevynn and I both deeply exhaled when we met that Day 10 milestone and sang high praises of “Hallelujah! Thank you Lord!” Life was good and our hearts were full.

It wasn’t until Day 17 that I had my first postpartum hemorrhage with Emme. It was dinner time and Lilly was at dance class with my mother-in-law which was absolutely God’s protection over her. It would have traumatized her I am sure to witness such things. Emme and I were rocking in the rocking chair, resting. I got up with her and instantly the blood was pouring like water down my leg pooling on the floor. I quickly ran to the toilet where a steady stream spilled into the bowl as I dialled 911. I immediately put Emme to my breast. I talked to the operator while simultaneously texting Kevynn, my mom, my friend, Lindsay and my friend, Sarai. The operator told me to get as close to my front door as I could so the paramedics would find me and be able to help immediately. I already knew I needed to lay down in case I lost consciousness. So I laid on the floor by my front door with Emme attached to the breast.The operator stayed on the phone with me and I prayed out loud repeatedly asking God to protect me. He certainly surrounded me with the absolute best village! Lindsay arrived first, within a moment of my message to her! Then Sarai and her daughter, Emma Rose, raced in and they were followed by the ambulance. It only took them about 9 minutes to arrive which I felt was timely considering we live rurally. My friends worked so quickly to get Emme ready for transport. The paramedics whisked me away on the stretcher while Sarai and Emma loaded up with Emme to follow behind and off we raced to the hospital passing my mom who had my auntie with her on the road as they headed to my house. I prayed in the ambulance and asked everyone I knew to pray over us. I knew that as long as I got hooked up to IV fluids, I would be fine. They also were ready to administer Tranexamic Acid if the bleeding worsened. We never got any answer about why or how but the bleeding slowed within an hour while at the hospital. They sent me home with the idea that perhaps it was the placenta scab that had come off and caused some brisk bleeding. I was to rest and do less and was assured that was all. I wasn’t too worried until it happened again. In the middle of the night just 5 days later, on Day 21 postpartum, I woke to the same sensation of brisk bleeding. The bed was soaked in blood. Again, I called 911. This time is took them about 15 minutes to arrive which felt like an eternity, honestly. There was no shielding Lilly from this episode. Again, my mom, Lindsay, Sarai and Emma Rose poured through our doors to help scrub floors and bedsheets and mattresses - absolute blessings these women are!!! Kevynn, Emme and I went via ambulance to hospital to again have no answers or solutions given besides a prescription for Transexamic Acid in hand and a consult with an OBGYN for an ultrasound. Long story short, we still have no answers for my briskly bleeding uterus despite some preliminary hematology blood work ups (there are more to come soon). Of my own accord and research, I have determined that perhaps the bleeding is caused by histamine intolerance on my end. Whatever is the reason, I know God will bring us to some kind of understanding when He wants us to know more.

Emme's conception, pregnancy, birth and even her postpartum were all largely redemptive and healing. Such is God's nature to redeem.

"For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins."

Colossians 1: 13-14

And I already knew it before, from when He saved my life entirely in 2020 but I know it even deeper now. Without a shadow of a doubt, God’s hand was and is and always remains over me and my family. God is good and we are abundantly blessed to be celebrating an entire year of Emme.

If you enjoyed this story, consider sharing it with someone who may also enjoy reading it! You can also leave a tip to support this writing venture of mine (much like a book purchase but by donation). I appreciate all of my lovely readers! Thank you for taking time to read and grow with me.