Proof Of Life.

Some days, life feels like a dream.
So I try to write everything down, and I literally pinch myself to be sure that I'm awake, to remind myself that I'm alive.

I keep these journal entries so I can go back and be sure that the day before was not imagined—I actually lived it.

This account is my proof of life in the last 48 or so hours.

Entry One.
May 23, 2025 – 8:28 AM

This morning I woke up feeling different.
I woke up feeling rested.

I finally let go of Daddy. In a sense...I mean I deleted our WhatsApp chat which I left open since 2021.
And changed the wallpaper on my phone from his picture to a neutral pink love theme. ...

It doesn't mean I don't still think of him all the time. I just don't carry it like a cross. I know he wouldn't want that.

It feels like I am resurrected again.
Every sleep feels like death and every waking feels like resurrecting to something new.


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Entry Two.
May 22, 2025 – 2:47 PM

I was in the shower when the idea came to me—
What if I started treating life like a business?

Not in a stiff, soulless kind of way.
Just… intentionally. Like everyone who watches my video is a client,
and my energy, my words, my presence—
that’s the product.

It’s not something I’d do every day. I believe in authenticity.
But some days? Some days require different packaging.
Different energy.
Different offerings for different people, at different moments.

Still, it makes me wonder—
Are we doing this because we love giving value?
Or are we performing?
Trying so hard to be professional, polished, productive…
because we’re scared of being seen for who we really are?

I don’t know.
But I think both can be true.

All I know is, yesterday I was thinking like a strategist.
Today, I feel like a soul waking up in a new room.
Maybe life really is just a dream we’re learning to walk through—
sometimes as business owners,
sometimes as children missing their fathers,
and sometimes as people learning to breathe again.

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Entry Three.
May 23, 2025 – 9:41 AM

Can I be honest with you?

Sometimes I really struggle with positioning myself in life—the “right” way to live, the “right” rhythm, the “right” mindset. I wish I could be one of those people who wake up at the same time every day, fully alert, ready to conquer the world. And yes, I do wake up at the same time. But it takes me at least two hours to be completely awake.

It takes a lot to get out of bed.
Even just to pee.
I wait until my bladder is about to burst before I jump off the seat or out of bed and run to the loo.

It’s bad.

But then—once I’m up, I’m up. And don't get me started on eating.

I go to bed late (about 2 am) and wake up early (6 am)and remain half asleep until 7:45ish everyday. It's a bad habit I am struggling with.

I’ve tried sleeping earlier. I’ve thought about it. Planned it.
Never happens.

And don’t get me started on sleeping. That’s another battlefield.
Some days I forget to eat. Other days I eat like I’m making up for all the meals I skipped the week before.
But yesterday—
Yesterday, I tried. I really made an effort to balance it all out. For once, I tracked what I ate.

I asked ChatGPT to help me calculate and it came up with this

For Drinks:

-2 cups coffee with skimmed milk & 1 sugar each:

-Skimmed milk (~30 ml each): ~20 kcal × 2 = 40 kcal

-Sugar (1 tsp each): ~16 kcal × 2 = 32 kcal

-Coffee (black): ~2 kcal

-2 cups Twinings herbal tea: 0 kcal

-1 can of Twinings tea ~39 kcal

And then I had some fruits & Nuts:

-1 banana (medium): ~105 kcal

-1 mini apple (~100g): ~52 kcal

- Handful of pistachios (~30g): ~170 kcal

Main Meal.

-1 cup cooked rice: ~200 kcal

-1 cup cooked beans: ~220 kcal

-Tomato stew (1/2 cup?): ~50 kcal (depends on oil and ingredients)

-1 boiled egg: ~70 kcal

-1 Plantain: 297 kcal

Veggies

-1 cup lightly sautéed carrots & spinach:

-Carrots & spinach: ~50 kcal

-Oil for sautéing: ~40 kcal (if 1 tsp used)

Total: ~90 kcal

Estimated Total Calories:

-Drinks: ~164 kcal

-Fruits & Nuts (1 banana 1 apple, pistachios): ~327 kcal

-Main Meal: ~540 kcal

-Veggies: ~90 kcal

Grand Total: ~1327 kcal

Let's add the bar of snickers I snuck in later and blueberries and pistachios before bed . And 2 cups of Green tea.
I am not impressed. Not with myself. Not with ChatGPT.

Not with myself because I can be more disciplined about food and not with ChatGPT because some of those numbers are so incorrect. But what was I expecting from a soulless robot? Perfection? Hmm?

In the end, I have to try not to think or try too hard about anything and just keep putting one foot in front of the other, living with content one moment a time.