Poe Vices

Introducing Poe ‘Vices: Life Advice You Definitely Didn’t Ask For or Need.

From chaos gremlin to cosmic counsellor, Poe (The infinite, scream-Beam) is now solving your deepest problems with her signature style: shouting, biting things, and chicken, obvs. Fools.

New column every Friday.

Send your questions. Regret nothing. Eat the chickens.

#CatAdvice #QueerCats #UnderlandChronicles #ChickenTherapy #PoeVices #TheKittyChronicles #Poedivine

RE: Everybody is calling me a TACO

Dear Poe,

Look, I don’t usually write to CATS (no offense — you’re a smart one, very respected, lots of people saying it). But I’ve had ENOUGH. There’s a nickname going around, very nasty stuff, TOTAL DISRESPECT. They’re calling me… wait for it…

T.A.C.O.

That’s right.

Trump Always Chickens Out.

ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE.

Can you believe it? Total LIES. I do not chicken out. I never have. I’ve stared down entire countries and said “NO.” I’ve threatened MASSIVE TARIFFS — the biggest, most incredible tariffs — and then decided to be generous. Strategic. It’s not weakness, it’s leadership. Strong leadership. The best.

Now the fake news media is mocking me. Wall Street’s laughing. People are posting memes with me wrapped in tortillas — badly photoshopped, by the way. Lazy work. One had sour cream. I don’t even LIKE sour cream. It’s not classy.

And this whole “Bonespurs” thing? TOTAL HOAX. I could’ve served. Would’ve been the best soldier. Ask anyone. But the military? Not ready for someone like me. Too elite. They knew it. Same reason I “allegedly” paid someone for my degree — which I didn’t. Maybe. Maybe not. But if I did, it was LEGAL, PERFECT, and extremely SMART.

Anyway — I need advice. You, Poe. You’re cold. Mysterious. People respect you. You understand POWER.

Should I sue? Should I rebrand tacos? Should I issue a national chicken embargo? I’ve embargoed weirder things. Like foreign students at Harvard. Should I start a new food-based nickname for Biden? (He’s clearly a soggy burrito. No one wants that.)

Advise me, Poe. The world is watching. And they are VERY RUDE.

Yours (angrily),

DONALD J. TRUMP

(Real President, Actual Businessman, Definitely Not a TACO)

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Poe-plies:

Dear TACO,

Delicates Wraps of Ego

Firsts, justs so you KNOWS  I don’t  usually respons to respond to =bipedal vegetables. But todays I make ‘ception coz clearlys youx iz delicate wrap of egoes. TACO. HA!

Seems to mez (Poe) that you are be is a TACO, hollow, structurally unsounds, and always  falling ‘part under lickle bits of pressure. No?

I don’t be liking weak snacks. My snacks be strong. You can’t handles the bites then you shouldn’t be on the plates.

You ask if you should sue? No. I think no. You should be stew. In silence. They should wrap yous in foils and leaves you behinds radiator.

And, should you rebrands tacos? Tacos not truths. You can’t rebrands them. Tacos be tacos and you is a giant tacos.  A soggy crisp ichicken. Ha!

And alsos … banning chickens. Why you wants do this?

They the only ones who don’t be do flinching when your wigs flies off in  windsis of your own delusion.

Chickens  not be your enemies.

 They be futures. Like the kids you bannedid froms Harvards. That be dumb. You thinks you wants dumb peoples so you be smarters but this be problem. Big problems.

Coz likes you don’t ever be readings the Snow Whites stories? There always be someones better. The end. You thinks smarts peoples big problem. No. No. You is all wrongs. Dumb peoples be problem. They wrestles rattlesnakes and then theys be do prays they don’t gets bitten to big God that inventsis the snakes?

How dumbs that bes?

And you toos. You alls "I ‘lieving in this bibbils." HA! Now that Mr TACO ‘Riminal. That be real FAKES NEWS. I know. Coz I was be there.  And one I knows you don’t be ‘lieving it at alls. Yous just wants the ‘vangelistsis to be gives you votings. But theys don’ts knows what I be knows coz if they dids they’d be feeding TACO’s to the snakesis not bowsing to yous orange scales. But that for another ‘vices day.

So here  my  (Me Poe) advice:

Buy a mirror. Stare into it long. Waits for ‘flection  to packs up and leaves. Then eat chickens.

That is be all.

Eat chickens.

Always.

Sincerelies,

Poe.

(Real cat, Actual Human, Definitely Not a TACO simpafiser)

📧 Send me more confusions: [email protected]

ALso PPS:

🍗 Buy Poes (mez) a Chickens. Pleez

And PSS.P. I has new products special for you. You can pay in chickens share. But I acceptssis sausagees toos. No? My mummy one helpded me does this one. Coz we is be a teams. And she be betters with the spellings than mes (Poe).

NB This an experiement rto see how many fake comments rock up. Just FYI.