My Loving Avoidant

When I met you, I experienced in you so much that I admired. You seemed so put together, regulated, confident and like you had strong boundaries. All things I wish I had.

Now that our relationship has developed, my feelings have grown too. Sometimes I have so much love for you, I don’t know what to do with it. I get the sense that at times it’s overwhelming for you, or you might feel smothered. I’m just so excited to be able to share my love and I don’t know what else to do with it, but exactly that. Feel free to let me know if it’s too much at times, or you need space, and I’ll try to be understanding.

I grew up in a household where my emotional needs or desire for affection got met inconsistently. This means I benefit from reassurance of your love and that you’re going stick around, because growing up I didn’t know if and when that love or attention would be back. I know that sometimes it seems like if you keep giving me more reassurance, I’ll keep asking for more. But the opposite is true. The more reassurance I get, the more I can relax and trust. Small phrases of validation go a long way with me. “You’re my person.” “I love you.” I got you.” “I’m thinking of you.” “I’m not going anywhere.” “We’re good.” I know you don’t need these things from me all the time because you’re self-reliant, so it feels needy to you, but for me, it means everything. And most of the time I don’t need you to do anything, your words of confirmation are enough.

Sometimes my needs or desire for reassurance feel really urgent. I’m learning to hear you when you say it’s not a good time or learning to ask when is good for you. I’m also learning to be patient and waiting until you can respond to my texts or messages if you’re busy.

I’m learning to not yell out your name out or come into your space with all of my excitement and instead ease into your space and try to gently speak to you so you can come out of your personal time more gently. I know you need that transition time between personal and connection time, and it’s important for you to be able to function well in your world.

In moments where you are busy and can’t talk with me, I will do my best to learn to self-soothe and regulate my emotions and fears on my own.

In these moments, I will work on it, but a little compassion and grace go a long way with me. And even a smile or word of confirmation when you know I’m struggling is worth everything to me.

I know that I can lose myself in the relationship at times and can benefit from practices to ground myself and get back to me. I will work on connecting with others and find other ways to process my emotions and excitement, too. If you can work with me to connect with me and checking in when you can, I will also promise to work on me in times when you can’t.

I am also learning to not take your need for space personally. I don’t have this need, so it seems like you just don’t want to be around me, but I’m realizing that you need this time like you need air, and it allows you to better function in your world, and that it has nothing to do with me. I am learning how to dive into my own world and do things that spark joy and light me up in these moments instead. I know this space helps us both to create more intimacy when we do come back. I know that having time apart and focusing on us as individuals creates more mystery too, which adds to our physical intimacy as well

I’m hyper-aware and good at reading social cues or detecting your changes in moods, but I also know I sometimes make assumptions that these changes mean something about me or that we’re not okay. (This superpower kept me safe as a child, but I’m learning it can get in the way of my adult relationships when I come to conclusions that aren’t true). I promise to not make assumptions and instead be curious and ask you a question. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and sit on my hands a bit if it’s not a good time to discuss, as I recognize it might not have anything to do with me, and you just need a moment to yourself. You’re allowed to have your emotions, reactions, and other experiences in your world that don’t have to do with me, and without having to involve me all the time. And in times when I just can’t seem to help it, please have patience with me, as this is a well-worn groove that I am working on. Please don’t take offense. When you ease my concerns, I will do my best to believe you and not keep pushing.

I know I want to repair conflict immediately because it’s really hard for me to exist knowing we aren’t on good standing. With that said, I understand that it’s fair to address it when we are both ready, and respect your say in that. I also know that sometimes you get emotionally flooded during conflict, so you need a timeout. I will practice acknowledging that you can be upset and need a break, and it doesn’t mean that you don’t love me or don’t want this anymore or won’t come back. I will work on giving you breaks when you’ve had enough, if you can promise to always come back to the conversation within 24 hours so that I don’t feel deserted or disrespected. Like my needs aren’t important and I’m alone with my feelings, without a partner to hear me out and process them with. This makes me want to shut down and close my heart.

I know my love and requests can feel overwhelming at times and sometimes it doesn’t feel like I recognize or appreciate your love or your efforts. I do appreciate you and want you to know that you are enough for me. You do make me happy. And you are a good partner. I know I don’t say it enough, and I should. I promise to work on taking in the good times with you, really receiving your love, effort and reassurance, and easing up on solving problems all the time. I appreciate your patience, empathy, compassion, and gentleness. Thank you for hanging in there with me.

Love,

Your Anxious Partner