My Dishonourable Mention - The Officially Unofficial Dishonourable Mention Challenge! by Paul Stewart

Disgruntled. That’s how I feel about all of this. I mean, here this is, a perfectly wonderful opportunity to enter in a challenge, and here I am, hardly able to participate at all. I thought when I saw the title, The Officially Unofficial Dishonourable Mention Challenge, that I would have no problem entering it. After all, I’m critical. I can be harsh. I have a high enough self-regard to be able to successfully look down on others from my elevated saddle. And yet, having read the rules, it’s clear that I cannot enter this contest.

I went through it point by point, just to make sure, and here’s what I found to be true about each of them:

• A piece that truly grossed you out. I haven’t run across such a thing on Vocal. Growing up in the 80s with the people I grew up with, it’s a hard goal to achieve. After all, I watched The Rocky Horror Picture Shows at 11 years old; I’ve seen Pi (the movie); I’ve read that terrible book that I can’t remember the name of, which detailed incredibly graphic, mostly sexual short stories presented by a myriad of unsavory characters (and no, I don’t mean The Canterbury Tales; I mean the more recent version by the Polish guy. If you know, you know); I’ve sat alongside teenage friends as they watched The Faces of Death over and over again (not my cup of tea, so I won’t say I watched it, but it played while I was present). So I’ve been exposed to things. After a while, it becomes difficult to have any real visceral reactions to the act of reading or even to watching things on the TV.
• A piece that truly scared you until you were a puddle of nerves and tears. The same theory applies here as to being grossed out by stories on Vocal. I’ve actually never been scared by a written story in my life. I don’t know why, but I think it has something to do with the fact that I don’t seem to become as immersed in stories as others do. For instance, unless I’m reading something very dense that I have to concentrate on to understand, I can easily carry on a verbal conversation with a friend while I read a book.
• A piece that aggravated you, justifiably or not, to the point that you wanted to post a 1,000-word, 20-point retort. As to stories on Vocal that have aggravated me, I haven’t run across any yet. This could be due to judging a book by its title and simply not clicking on things that appear uninteresting to me. I’m uncertain; I only know that it hasn’t happened yet (except, perhaps, for this particular contest. Because, as you can see, here we are. I’m not 1000 words in yet, so only time will tell.).
• A piece by Paul Stewart that didn't really follow in the spirit of the official challenge it was entered into. I haven’t seen this in action either yet, possibly because I have my own twisted sense of what constitutes appropriate entries to official challenges. It could be, just possibly, that I am, in fact, one of the dishonorable authors to which this contest refers. Let me know in the comments and please take the time to write up a scathingly dishonorable mention if you feel so inclined. I’d love to read it so that I can respond with the appropriate amount of shame and pride.
• A piece by Stephen A. Roddewigg that didn't really follow in the spirit of the official challenge it was entered into. I am as yet unfamiliar with Stephen A. Roddewigg, I believe, although I will surely familiarize myself with him directly after I finish writing this response to this contest (not to be confused with a contest entry, of course). It seems that I could have done a bit more research into this topic before I began writing this aggressively dishonorable response, but then it would be much more honorable and would invalidate the entire premise of my otherwise dishonorable write-up. If you don’t understand, just chalk it up to being much more deserving than I of an honorable mention.
• A piece that made you cry. Again, I have never cried in response to any form of entertainment medium, although I came close with The Thorn Birds. I don’t know why, but that one had a good emotional hook. If you haven’t read it, you might want to. I think the author’s last name is McCullough, but again, in the spirit of dishonor, I have not looked it up to check.
• A piece that messed with your head worse than a Christopher Nolan or David Lynch film. This is patently impossible. We all know this. It was dishonorable of Paul Stewart to even suggest such a thing. He should most assuredly feel shame for many days. For shame, Paul. For shame.

And so, you see, after taking all of these points into consideration, it became immediately clear to me that there was no way I could possibly enter into this contest. I’m sure that by now you all understand. Thank you all for taking the time to read all the way to the end of this almost-900-word article, as I clearly don’t deserve it, and I’m sure you’re all much worse the wear for having read it. I can only hope that you can forgive me, in time.

Author's Note: I wrote this story as a contest entry for The Officially Unofficial Dishonourable Mention Challenge! Or maybe I didn't. It's hard to say for sure. Either way, I hope you enjoyed the read. I'd love to hear what you think, so please feel free to leave a comment, click the heart, and subscribe!