Morning Agony.

I'm a failure, my love. I have failed you and myself. Why did I kill our love? I cannot keep anything safe, not even your heart. But then the black cat comes to me again, and I feel for a moment that there is some good I can do, some love I can give without much risk of destroying it. I realized that the cat's innocent stare is the same one you might have given me, once. Big eyes looking up at me like I'm the only thing that mattered. God, I miss you and the innocence we shared together. It's the most real thing to me, in my sea of lust and fleeting dreams, yet I cannot remember most of the good. Only the bad. That's all that's left to remind me of you. I can never take back the things I said, or worse, what I didn't say. I can't take back my words, the same way I can't speak in a moment that has already passed.

Lying there, I tried to remember what loving you was like, how your lips felt against mine. Did I cherish those moments? I do not think so. I tried to remember the good, but all that came was our last night together. The bad. God, what a fool I was, what I whispered when I thrust inside you, my head spinning, full of that damned pain medication. Fool. Fool. Fool. I should have said I loved you, said that I would change. But I saved that for thought, told myself I would, as if that was enough. I thought we would be together forever, no matter how badly I treated you. Fool.

I would give anything to go back to that day, that last night with you. Or maybe I would not. Would I give up the black cat? Or the life I have now? I'm not sure. I'm not even sure I could fix anything if I went back. No matter the words, I could not take back the months, the years that I was not good to you. But maybe I could not leave so much unsaid, left to echo in my own mind. At the very least, I could watch myself make the same mistakes over again. I could kiss and hold you, knowing it was the last time. Maybe that was enough. I tried to remember, and it hurt.

I love you, my painful memory.