Love Me

She had to learn the hard way that love cannot be forced to only be the way she wants love to be.

For years, she wandered through the world lost and lonely, saddened by her hopeless chase of the perfect love. Every person she encountered that gave more than the last one, somehow made her feel they may be the person for her. She would create space for them to become part of her world so soon, because once they gave more than the last person, that was her proof they were able to grow to be her perfect match. The extra of whatever they gave to her made her feel they were closer to her hopes of forever, and that they were worthy enough to have her love too. But every one of them, before too long, would only hurt her after that temporary newness of each other wore off. They always began to feel trapped under the constant pressures of her resentment towards them, when they could not love her exactly as she wanted.

They would try, but she would deny the strength of those efforts. They would argue, but she would not waver on her stance. When they would eventually start to let go, she would beg them for chances, and they would usually relent because she had a heart of gold. Each of them gave her what they had for as long as they could, but her thoughts on love and what love should be always stayed the same. The unhappy partner each of them became through her constant need to nag was extremely unhealthy. Her need to control how they should feel, always paved the way to a shortcut to the end of that chapter of her story. They would leave, unable to be what she needs, and she would blame them for her broken heart.

The breakups would never become easy, no matter how many there were, and she would never hold herself accountable for any of the losses. She would always tell the same story of all the people who left her heart empty and broken. She constantly says that the efforts on her end were more than enough because she gave proper and boundless love, and that was how love should be. She gave her love freely, but none of them returned love the way that she deserved. She was blameless, as she would say, and she really had no clue what to do.

She had no real concept of how her thoughts on the matter were her real problem.

She kept herself on that same exact dead-end road of love and loss for so many more years. She never understood what she needed to do to feel full on love the way she craved. That was the worst part for her. After she gave all she had for as long as she could to those people who eventually abandoned her heart, she knew she had to stop the chase for her forever before she broke for good.

As hard as that release had been, she came to the place she always needed to be. She really needed to allow herself the space to reflect all on her own. She gave herself pep talks and took herself on dates. She bought herself pretty presents and sent herself cards full of words she needed to hear. She made herself feel all the love she craved. Though she was uncomfortable on many other levels by herself, no matter the good moments, over the weeks that followed, the days began to feel less bleak.

Once she felt calm and comfortable enough, she began to assess her problems from a place her heart could not control. She looked back at her past chances at love and could see the problem more clearly. That hyper focus she put on the lack of her perfect love, now feels heavy as she sorts through each memory. She never allowed herself to acknowledge the real acts of love she was always blessed to have. Each of those loves was perfect by the standards of the person the love came from. They all showed her the love they had and never asked her for more than she gave them. They each just wanted her to be happy, even when they were not happy themselves. That was what she could not see, because she thought they needed to be exactly as she dreamed. But they were all full of beauty and warmth that was beyond the scope of what she could ask for. She could now see that she was the real problem all along, and some of them were better than she could have fathomed before.

Goodbye to that overly obsessed need to have love shown to her only her own way. She can now see that that dream was nowhere near what she has had the chance to have before, so she can look forward to even more. She can now see that there can be so much better than she thought, but only when she opens to what love offers. Now she can be happy to have the love her next person has to share. That small dream she was stuck on was what kept her broken down through each defeated season of love and loss. That truth was a lesson she had to learn alone. She now has a new concept of what to accept, and she can be grateful for the new love that may come. She now understands that she never needed to beg to be treated the way she thought deserved, and when the love was meant to be, she would never have had to force the energy. These days she has come to learn that everyone loves the way they know how. She can now let go of the hurt she endured because she forced love to be harder than necessary. She had to learn that to try and force someone’s heart to bend around your own that would become a battle you must wage forever, and always lose.

Now she can forever release those jaded thoughts and truly just be happy and free. That space she allowed herself to sort through her love woes, was more helpful than she could have hoped. To be able to be alone and not feel sad, makes her feel stronger than ever. She chose herself when she thought no one else would, and now she knows love for real.