John and Paul's Three-Word Haiku/Senryu Unofficial Challenge

Ladies and gentlemen, poets and literary vandals.

I bring glad tidings from the land of hope and glory, (Hallelujah!, shout it from the rooftops, etc., etc., exit feckin’ stage left) a fat orange retard and a man whom I'd follow into battle. Well, whom I might follow into a pub fight. Okay, maybe not. (Stage right, then?) But, I'd definitely follow him to the pub if he was going to buy a round or two, John Cox. (Scotland’s on my bucket list … what da ya know bout that?) Oh, and the land of haggis, more scenery than people, Olympic standard swearing, comedy, film, literature, music, dance, beauty, whisky, and me, Paul.

(All brackets apart from a couple of obvious ones are interjections by my aforementioned cohort, John Cox.}

Sorry, Americans, you know I love you all. Especially ** (It would be wrong to show such blatant partiality this early.) Since many of us are Americans, plus of course our dear sisters and brothers to the north, in the future 51st state, are still wondering which barfie parts of the sheep is haggis again? (Sorry, dear Canadians, for that inexcusably low blow, but we have to have a sense of humor about this shite or we’d be crying all damn day).

So what the actual am I rambling on about, you're probably wondering. (I’m wondering, and I’m part of this damn thing!) Well. The glad tidings I speak of are another challenge hosted by the Vocal equivalent of Hemingway and Bukowski. If they were under-respected, underpaid, and largely ignored. Yes, back by popular demand, we have a couple of challenges lined up for you folk.

First up, we have a good one.

You know haiku/senryu. Yes, I am aware of the difference between the two distinctive forms of Japanese poems based around the simple, but tricky, 5-7-5 syllable count.

Yeah, Paul actually knows what he's talking about and isn't some crazed guy that can string a couple of sentences together or a few vaguely rhythmic lines together and call it art. (Oh, you’ve done that alright. Hell, I do it all the time. What are we trying to accomplish here again?)

Here is a link to more about the two forms, if you want to dig deep. Knock yourself out.

For the purpose of our challenge, though, we are basically using the 5-7-5 syllable count.

With one large caveat. I really wanted to fit caveat into this piece, so bingo bango. (You forgot Bongo.)

The big caveat is that, while the average haiku-senryu will tend to have at least say 9 to 15 words in total, we want you to write a haiku/senryu with just three words. (What the feck!)

WHAT, NO. Paul. It can't be done. (My thoughts xactly.)

You seriously think I'd set this up without having evidence to back my lofty claims? (As a matter of fact….)

I mean, if you answered yes. You'd be right. I'd totally fly from the seat of my pants and present an impossible challenge without knowing if it was even possible, because I am a prick. But this time. I am talking all kinds of truth, amigos and amigas.

Below is evidence that it can be done.

By yours truly.

Because, of course, I'd do that. (What da ya think of them apples!)

This one is a quadro-haiku thing, but still shows it can be done.

Anyway. So basically, as of, the time of this being published - January 28th, which is definitely not the day I was born, so shut the hell up about that and Vocal should definitely not give me a courtesy Top Story because of that fact - until the end of February, you have the opportunity to put forward your best three-word haiku/senryu. (Or your worst. Consider the lack of bonafidees of the judges.)

Remember, it's a leap year, so February has an extra day and ends on the 29th. (The one month that I'm glad is short. Will spring ever come again? I hates leap year!)

Boring Rules and Whatnot

1. One entry per entrant. You can knock yourself out and do more, if you like, but please only submit one to our challenge. We are busy arseholes. (Or at least we're arseholes.) A phrase that in hindsight sounds proper weird. (Not at all😋.) Notice I am not backspacing or deleting that. Unfiltered writing for the win, baby.
2. Must be a haiku/senryu consisting of just three words, following the usual syllable demands of 5-7-5. If you try and fit anymore than three words in, you will not be counted in the list of those attaining glory and honour. You will be confined to the sin bin and be blacklisted, possibly. (And you know damn well were gonna count those syllables too, so no cheatin!)
3. Must include the subtitle "For Paul and John's Three Word Haiku/Senryu Unofficial Challenge.
4. Must include a link to this piece below or above your poem. (But not in the middle of it. That would be weird.) Though I dare someone to do that and completely baffle us. I'm looking at you Harper, or fucking Matty.
5. Must be submitted in the comments section of this piece before March 1st, 2026.
6. Must at least make some lick of sense. (And yes, we will call out those of you that bullocks up the sense requirement in the winner’s pronouncement, so don’t you dare be lame!) Where would be the challenge if you were just allowed to string any three words together, just because they fit the syllable count?
7. Have fun!

What You Get

I know you're not interested in what you get, because as bloodthirsty, fame-hungry underpaid and underfed writers, money is so far from the top of your wants and needs list. We are all in it for the love of the craft. (Note to John - is this sarcastic enough, do you think they'll realise the subtext?) (I say leave it in. We're arseholes. Remember?)

Anyway, you're going to get prizes whether you like it or not. If you don't like it, that's your fucking problem. (Mic drop!)

• First Place - a kiss from a rose or $20
• Second Place - a kiss from a sweaty weightlifter or $10
• Third Place - a kiss from Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt (no, sorry, Bangalina Holie or Chad Shitt, their lookalikes, that I just invented) or $5

We had a brilliant response last time we ran a challenge, and as we've made it a lot easier for you this time, we hope you will show up and put your brevity to the test. (Grab your dictionaries ya swabs, and prepare to be boarded! Aaargh!)

We look forward to reading, commenting, and being pissed off at how brilliant you all are. (I’m already pissed off and the challenge hasn’t even started yet!)

Entries

Blank right now - isn't it sad?

*

Thanks for reading!

And just for all of you - some classic hip-hop from De La: