Introducing the Author I Wanted to Be at Age 6

Imagine, you're a six year-old obsessed with reading and you are now in library class learning about the Dewey Decimal System.

The Dewey Decimal System is the numerical and alphabetical system created in 1876 that makes thousands of libraries around the world run smoothly.

That was the day I knew I wanted to be a professional author. I would have my name on a front cover, and a shortened version of my name of on a spine. I just needed to decide whether to go by my full name (as I do in my everyday life) or by my initials. Whatever I would decide, I would have. I just needed to decide.

Then, the day came when we learned about the Newbery Medal, an award for distinguished American children's literature. I was going to have a big gold stamp on the dustcovers of my books. Never mind that I'm not American. Such details didn't matter. What I decided to be, I would be. And I decided I would be a Newbery Award-Winning Author.

As a child, I was so confident in what my Writer journey would look like and ultimately produce.

When people ask what I do, I say marketing. And on confident days, I also add that I'm a writer.

I am learning more and more that I am a writer first.

The way I "market" is grounded in my love for words and verbal communication. Reading and writing inform how I organise information, and relate to the world around me.

Almost 20 years after my introduction to the Dewey Decimal System and the Newbery Medal and I find that those dreams are more vague memories, rather than active desires that I'm chasing.

But do I still want to find my name in a library catalogue? Do I still want to be traditionally recognised for my writing?

I'm not sure.

I found being a member of those institutions attractive, because those were the institutions that I was being exposed to. I spent hours every week sifting through library books, separating out my soon-to-be favourites.

I no longer have access to a library. (Very sad, I know.) And so, these accolades are less in my face. I still see books on online lists, but I don't find my heart longing to be on these lists as much.

But. The desire for recognition is still buried beneath the surface. I tell myself that recognition doesn't matter, but to write with no one to read my stories makes me sad.

I write for myself, and then I write for other people too.

In my pursuit of writing, I have found myself a "Writer". I have relegated myself to the world of client work. This is a practical world. Writing educational material for various communities. I am a professional writer. I get paid to write. Oh wow. Look, 6 year old me! Look at who we've become!

I am so grateful and mind-blown that this is the work I do. Every day. Every day I write. Spending hours writing is commonplace in my life. Wow.

And there is a tug. A tug to write more often in my voice.

To find the words I want to share at this age. I am not sure how much resemblance they bear to the words I felt pertinent to share at age 6. I wouldn't be surprised to find that they are exactly the same or completely different.

To find out if anyone else wants to hear these words. I am not sure if there will be accolades in my future. I don't know if I will ever feel like I have enough proof that my words have journeyed "far enough" or reached deep enough.

I am tempted to dismiss these tugs in favour of platitudes like, "showing up is what matters" and "you're worthy" and "the journey is what matters".

I believe all these sentiments, but I want to do a better job of not throwing away the desires of my heart. I would like to think these truths and my dreams can coexist.

I suppose in time, we will find out.