I Would Starve if This Was My Career

Greeting cards and postcards, back when they didn't require a loan to buy and mail... and back when you received something you could open and read and not a picture-perfect travelogue of moments from the past year that was assembled in an online platform from the local big box drugstore and/or PhotoMoth site..... (where was I? Oh yeah)... holiday greeting cards and postcards used to be so RANDOM and Inappropriate.

The Museum of London has a fascinating collection:

Several site sell reproductions of these oddities. There were the Victorian Vegetable category (I think the one picture was a Jerusalem artichoke, but maybe a deformed parsnip?)

Here's a fun sub-category: Food gets its revenge:

And an even-more sinister saw with sus red marks that don't blunt the merry little punny-poem that accompanies it:

Maybe it started with the truly bizarre Krampus-cards from Germany. The merry demon enslaves the children and terrorizes people in the jolly spirit of the holidays:

TBH: take a wander down the rabbit hole that is the Etsy listing of Weird Holiday cards... but only if irreverence, Nic Cage, and dumpster fires don't bother you.

I found the whole thing so inspiring that I said to myself: "Self, this is something that you could do! You will become RICH!" Then I sat and looked at a blank screen for three hours, leapt into action for 15 minutes, and decided to share my breakthroughs with you. Maybe you'll do better.

Dear reader: you could hardly do worse.

Open the card below to read: "Remember- tinsel makes everything better! Happy Holidays"

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On the bottom of this the card below, imagine: "I'd give an arm and a leg to see you this Christmas..."

^^ Then open to read "But since I don't have legs, I guess I'll just send this card and save the gas. Merry Anyways!" ^^

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Open the card below to read: "He who dies with the most toys wins- May the odds be ever in your favor!"

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On the bottom front of the card below imagine: "Here's to 2025- Happy New Year!"

Then open the card to read: "Makes 'visions of sugarplums dancing in your head' seem normal, doesn't it? Hang in there this year."

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On the bottom front of the card imagine: "Mr. Alex just wanted to find a tenor for the Christmas Chorus performance of O Holy Night. But he forgot to say 'Mother May I?'

Then open the card to read "Hope you received everything on your list this year!"

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Down the left side of this card imagine "Good News/Bad News"

^^ Then open the card above to read: "Good news: I found out how Santa gets down the chimneys! Bad news: Santa is the Slender Man. Merry Christmas Anyways!"

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Across the bottom of the card below imagine: "May your days be merry and bright!"

^^ Then open the card to read "And may all of the bright lights in your skies be stars... not the NJ Alien Drone invasion!"

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Now; wasn't that fun? Which of these cards would you actually buy? Who would be the recipient? What alternate message would you have written for these images?

Please leave me a comment and let me know.

PS: If you enjoyed this, you might also enjoy some of my other holiday writings:

This one is pretty timely:

You'll need this one in a few months, but you can dazzle the relatives 'round the holiday table if you read it now:

Speaking of fun facts that one read will allow you to dominate any conversation; try this one just for fun: