I was bored and ended up inventing a magic system

Is really what happened.

It started with a thought exercise while I was thinking about poetry, which I think about a lot, which is what poets tend to do. I think when we’re trying to avoid actually writing poetry.

Thought exercise is actually a really forgiving term here. Like it was intentional, or planned, or something.

I was also thinking about magic, which is something I think about a lot because I’m a nerd. And I was like, what if casting a spell takes something integral away from you? Like a memory? And then I lost an entire weekend. Completely out of pocket.

But really, this all started when I was a kid trying to wrap my brain around all the wild things that were happening to me and my family. Specifically, immigrating from the Philippines to Southern California. And it wasn’t just immigration. My childhood was wild on either side of that event.

Like with all things traumatic, your brain does some crazy shit. In my adulthood, I find myself remembering things differently from my siblings and parents. I also remember things from when I was a toddler that toddlers probably don’t usually remember. And, of course, it begs the question, am I actually remembering it? Or am I making up memories? Assigning images to feelings so I can have a past?

Anyway, I’ve always been intrigued by memory. All my poetry touches on it encompassingly or fleetingly, but it touches. I’ve always struggled to be completely in the present. I admire those who can be and are.

The thought exercise was really simple at first: to cast magic, you have to offer a memory in exchange. Magic is, therefore, an act of erasure. The power behind the magic is an authentic emotional experience. There are different levels of magic. You can sacrifice the memory of what you ate for breakfast to power a low-level spell. Or you can sacrifice your mother’s face to power a forbidden spell.

So why wouldn’t I erase all my painful memories? Emotionally charged memories are the most powerful magical fuel. Erasing them all would totally fuck your identity, emotional core, and magical ability. Reckless erasure risks monsterbirths and hollowsinks (dangerous, haunted places essentially).

You see how I lost whole days over this? There were flow charts! Excel spreadsheets! I even came out with an entire spell book (WIP). Although this is probably going to get completely scrapped as it came out a little too HP a la JKR, she who shall not be named.

I've never invented anything. When I was a little girl in grade school and those projects would come around where you had to invent something, I'd find my mind turning into a black hole. Consuming all light and sound. Just becoming a void. That hadn't changed until now. What was the catalyst (aside from procrastinating writing poetry, obviously)?

I think it's just getting older and not really giving a fuck anymore.

Also realizing that I can't really invent anything completely new. Ideas are circulated and repurposed whether we know it or not. But creation can be new to us as individuals. We can have new experiences that millions of others have had, and creations that come out of that are new personal inventions.

I just thought of the poem by Anis Mojgani, Here I Am:

Let your smile twist, / like my heart dancing precariously on the edge of my fingertips / staining them like that same high school kid, licking his thoughts / using his Sharpie tip writing / I was here.

I was here, motherfucker. / And ain't none of y'all can write that in the spot that I just wrote it in.

And I think that's really it. Any chance you get, make art. Art is a sacred rebellion. The first and last rebellion. Even if no one will ever see it, just doing it is a cosmic victory. Our individual, unique expression is the only currency that the big baddies in this world can't take away, and that will never run out if cultivated. So spend it freely and enthusiastically.

So that’s how it started and how it’s going.