I've had PTSD

PTSD is flooring me at the moment, making me feel a bit insane, whilst detached AND over-emotional. It's the first time I've experienced it fully as an 'entity' in probably twenty years. I feel separated from myself, whilst also fully logical. It's a strange sensation. It's frightening. I'm frightening myself.

As I get older, honesty seems to be the value that gets stronger and stronger for me. The value that becomes more important to uphold and live by. Being honest doesn't necessarily make life easier, but it does give you less to fear. It does allow you to live authentically, and mostly without ego. Less pride, less need to hide. You can move through most things, with honesty.

The main symptom is a constant feeling of fear, of unease, and utter exhaustion. It's basically your nervous system being flooded with 'fight or flight' hormones, in order to protect you by getting you ready for danger.

I feel very, very tired. And struggle to wind down, or sleep well.

So basically, I'm unable to relax at the moment, or concentrate on anything for too long.

I'm scratching my scalp and picking at my nails, both nervous habits that get worse when I have anxiety. The anxiety can be at the forefront or in the background. At the moment, it feels like it's in both places at the same time. It's at the front, mostly taking the reins, escalating me quickly into panic and stress if something gets too hard to navigate.

It's also in the background, waiting to rear up and shout 'I TOLD YOU SO!' in my face, and smash everything up. It's like managing three different personalities that are co-existing in the same head. I need everything and nothing all at the same time.

I need to be left alone, but also NOT to be alone.

I lose all faith on some level. But, at the same time, my optimism and belief in everything is still there, a little floating speck, waiting to come back to full fruition when I am 'well' again. I know it's there; I just can't access or feel it right now.

I need gentleness and softness, but also crave extremes, just to FEEL something. I've punched the table a couple of times this week, out of rage and upset. The pain was satisfying. But it was a horrible thing to do.

I need to hide, but also feel seen and cared for.

Compulsively checking my phone, cannot seem to stop. It's like a little black box of reassurance. Yet, I hate it.

Going to the toilet a lot more. Cleaning more, to feel in control.

Feeling jumpy. Being clumsy, knocking things, dropping things. Bruising myself without knowing how.

Sitting on the floor more, wanting to be lower down. I can't figure out where this comes from, but I always quite liked sitting on floors, on cushions, beanbags etc. I seem to feel safer down there?

When I feel like this, I wonder, where's the operations manual? I lost it, and even when I do find it, it's in another language, or the rules keep changing.

Trauma instils in you from a very young age that something is wrong with you.

I'm usually a positive, go-getting person. This isn't me. This is scared, angry child-me. I want to give her a hug, tell her it's okay. Tell her I don't know what brought her back, after all the work and the therapy I already did. But that I'll give her a hug anyway.

Thing is, I need someone bigger than me to hug me, and tell me it will all be okay. Someone I feel safe with.

I need my layers of skin back. They’ll grow back again very soon.

Love to all.