Love you both (very differently)

I love him, and I love you too.

Why is that so wrong?

He makes me spark, every interaction exciting to the point of magic. The chemistry is off the page. He makes me feel like a woman to be cherished, wanted, respected. He woos me, cooks for me, makes me special cocktails, takes me out, holds me, does things with me that make my body light up. He tries new things with me. He is lace on sweat, removed slowly.

But you… you are my safety, my home, the acceptance of all the parts of me that are good, that are great - and the parts that carry shame. You understand me, even if you struggle to show it, or express it.

You accept me when I am happy, sad, confused, joyous, excited, content, avoidant, afraid, irritable, frustrated, creative, conflicted - or craving an adventure. We do things together, and we laugh together. We try to listen to each other, but I do struggle with the repetition of everything. I can change minute to minute, and you like to be steady. We balance each other.

You accept that I need physical things and sensations you cannot give me, that I need to feel things you cannot make me feel. Yours is not the name I call out in the heat of passion. But you are always there to put an arm around me, if I ask for it. You turn up for me.

We need very different things at times – and that is alright. It is okay. As long as we can both find the things we need, and are honest with each other about it. We always come back together.

You commit to me when I want to be here - and at the times I need to be somewhere else. You give me a home to come back to.

He is my alluring side, he is my intrigue, my taste for excitement, for the unknown, for a bit of mystery. He is uncertainty, grey areas, a brush of the hand, and an electric charge running through both our bodies.

He is the sensuous voodoo of life that cannot be quantified. Between the gaps of everything sensible that makes sense.

I need to feel free. Otherwise, I get stifled, like a smothered baby, especially when restless. Remove the layers and the shackles, and let me go burn off my energy – I will be back.

Thank you for waiting for me. Thank you for letting me be your family too.

I will be here when you need to go be elsewhere too. I understand.