I tried to be heartless, and here is what happened

You know when the shit hits the celing and life is an absolute mess everywhere, yeah that is what I am talking about. My existence has had 22 years on this gorgeous — gorgeous mortal realm and in the recency of my being, my life has sucked a lot. I have had my share of darkness since forever, but of late, my desperation for light has been at its zenith. I have wanted my life to look like the glorious lives of Rory gilmore, an academic scholar, while being the perfect 4.0, a beautiful boyfriend( maybe not necessary), a great deal of money, a stellar institute I go to, a high qualified job in writing or journalism, and parents being super proud of me.

I always believed that life unfolds like the timelines movie shows, from going to school in your teens, to graduating with your masters at 23 and having a job that most people envy and living a lifestyle whole of materialism that adheres to and pleases the societal timeline. Life prevails itself in a bubble for a while until it bursts itself into granules of nothingness and plonks you into the reality of certainty. Welcome to the real world young lady, it sucks and you are going to love it! I think my existential bane is laughing at me while saying And let me tell you, it is so not fun.

With the people I thought would stay in my life forever leaving abruptly, with losing things that meant the most to me, with failures that left me in confounding conundrums and words spoken out of the depths of cruelty, I wanted to and yearned to become heartless after my tears dried from sobbing and wailing again and again. Because it is much easier to not care and show no morsel of empathy to the ones around you than trying to understand their pain and then being used as a tissue wrap that is utilised to its last straw and then discarded away.

Well, I was tired of being the one who put in more effort, of being the one who tried again and again, of holding onto to hope, of being the first one to reach out and always making an effort, and all this leading to me feeling that I am inadequate and not enough. It is exhausting when you are wearing your heart on your sleeve and loving everything you do and everyone around you with all your depth and not receiving the same amount in return. So I googled how to become heartless and not give a damn to the world at all.

It said -

• Don’t show your emotions to anyone
• Stop telling people about your problems
• Stay silent about your life’s achievements and growth
• Do not reach out to people, and don’t talk to anyone
• Do not smile too much, don’t attend a lot of events or care too much about others.

All advice so baseless because I tried them to my dimwits end and guess what nothing happened. I thought maybe the advice given was too generic and I should look for more specific actionable steps to become stone hearted and cold, but again none of it ever worked. But then, one fine day, the realisation dawned on me like the sun rays finding even the tiniest of spaces left in the room to pierce through the closeness and shine its true radiance to enlighten, to thaw, to make space for hope.

I cannot be heartless because all the things that I thought were my weaknesses, my flaws, things I needed to improve, my insecurities were never things I should be ashamed about. Because my honesty is my strength and fosters to be the truth of my expression and me being vulnerable, my caring for the wrong people is my empathy that gave people the love they needed in the timeline of our existence meant in each others life, my feeling deeply and sensitivity are the greatest gifts that the universe has given me, it is the reason I can create pieces that inspire people, that make me understand pain, that make me transmute my adversities into art, into masterpieces dressed as words that bring a smile on other people’s faces.

Because yes, it is true when setbacks hit me, I cry a lot and feel the deepest pits of sadness, but when a good day arises, my heart is jumping with joy and gratitude and love for my life. I shifted my perspective from finding faults in myself to appreciating my life and learning to be detached from the outcome yet giving it my all irrespective of what the result might be and as for people I love, I love them with the purest of my intentions but I am not attached to them or hold any expectations to serve me according to my mood or needs.

So, let’s shift the narrative. In the last few months, yes, I have gone through failures, detours, roadblocks, heartbreaks and setbacks, but I have also.

1)Released my attachment to outcomes and started recongising the beauty that my life holds

2) Stopped seeking external validation and started to celebrate myself

3) Build a consistent portfolio of work with top names across the world in the fields of writing, poetry, branding, journalism, marketing, consulting, mental health and edtech

4) I have tried out new things, failed at a few, and made a few mistakes, yet learnt my lessons and shifted my perspective from what is working and embrace new paths.

5) I created compelling pieces that I am proud of and will continue to do so.

6)Accepting myself as who I am and not comparing myself to anyone because I am meant to live a life that is exactly meant for me in the timeline I want. Just because someone else is living a certain way does not mean they are right or wrong; it simply means their progression is serving them, and the way I live is serving me at this moment.

I hope you hone your individuality as a gift that you are meant to celebrate in the beauty of you,

To love deeply, to live, laugh, cry, learn, dance and stride your existence in your mirth true.

-Hridya Sharma