Haunted

I am haunted by the memory of you. The memory of what was, and what could have been. Sleep is plagued by dreams of your face. My waking brings me no relief, no comfort in this pain, nor dull in this ache.

These hauntings never slow, never stop. Their unwelcome presence in my life has made it undeniably harder to move on.

Memories that flash before my eyes, like movies being played on a screen. Images of your face and the look in your eyes. I didn’t have the words to describe it then, but I do now… unwanting.

I remember shrinking under your gaze, like a flower wilting in the heat. I was trying to make myself small and unnoticeable in your view. Your piercing eyes, seeing through my soul.

You are gone now, and I should be free. Free from the pain, ridicule, and fear, but it lingers still. You can no longer hurt me, but I can still feel the scars that were left behind. You can no longer speak, but the words that you used to cut me down at every turn still echo in my mind.

I thought that I would be done with these feelings of shame and inadequacy, but how could I feel anything else when those feelings are all that I know. All I have ever known.

I am told to love myself, to learn how, to try. I am told that in order to do that, I must secure myself and fight my inner demons. But I ask, how am I supposed to do that when my inner demon is my own mother?