Growth

One minute you’re singing and swaying your hips licking the spoon as you stir in the kitchen, the next you’re clutching your chest on the couch as it feels like you’re being split in two and a tsunami spirals from your eyes. You smile and you feel lighter and brighter, and then you run into a rain storm where nothing seems to be right. One minute you’re wining and dining yourself and hungry for more, and the next you’re struggling to eat anything as the ups and downs seem to make your stomach turn. You do the hard thing and you close the door, and you close it again, only to try and reopen it a minute later. You say no a million times just to say yes once, only to say no a million more times. You sit in an empty room alone with nothing but yourself, you feel like you’d rather die. Then you invite God in to sit with you and you can at least breathe now. You claw to the past reaching for relief, something that you can predict, something that you can use to ease the waves, but it all slips right through your fingers again and then once more. You run and you run again, only to run into wall after wall until you finally run out of breath and are gasping for air. You stop and you surrender, falling to your knees.

Then you rise again the next day and spin around in a sundress as it’s snowing outside. You scream fuck as loud as a fire alarm and the next you’re as quiet as a bystander in a church pew early on Sunday morning. Night comes and you’re seeing red. Then morning wakes you up in rose colored glasses. Laughter echoes from your rib cage as you move effortlessly free, and then next your soul’s bleeding out in the bathtub as the shower beats down over your head. You wonder how much longer you can go, dark circles line your eyes, and your lips chapped and dry. Your legs become weak but you still find some sort of strength to dance even for just a minute between waves of tears. You crumble to the floor and fall asleep for what seems like days. Then one day you wake up and you realize you’re where you’ve always wanted to be, and who you dreamed of being. You can’t really recollect when it happened and how you got here, but you did. It’s like life pauses and stops for a moment, just for you to take in everything you’ve built around you and within you. For a moment, life is magic and you’re the magician. Then with a blink of an eye and big deep sigh of relief…..it starts all over again.