Feeling All Alone

Natalie Goldberg’s Writing Down the Bones Deck prompts — Where do you feel most alone?

Alone in some crowds is my most alone

Lost in the midst of not knowing, lost

one in the midst of many and not knowing any one

No, not knowing is alone. Except, I talk to all, so no

Everyone won't be a stranger, as soon, I may know everyone!

Natalie Goldberg’s Writing Down the Bones Deck prompts — Remember: When you begin a topic you don’t always immediately have answers. Give yourself time to meander. In writing, the zigzag path has more texture and interest than getting there directly. How you discover something is as fruitful as the discovery.

While I was giving myself time and meandering, I realized that I miss my grandchildren during the school year. In the summer months, we get some of them for a week at a time. Sometimes it is one, and sometimes it is two or even three.

We have some grandchildren who live close and will often join those coming from a few hours away. This is especially important as then Grandpa has someone to play with, and he is not harassing me during the day.

Harassment from Grandpa. He will sneak up on me, I think he learned that growing up in Bena. And he tries to scare me when he does it, except I am used to him, and I have spidey senses, so I don’t often scare.

The zigzag path led to thinking about how I reach out to my brothers when I start to miss them. The two siblings who were in touch most regularly are now deceased. I had regular contact with my sister, who was just three years younger, and my youngest brother, who was 19 years younger.

I miss them both immensely, and missing them contributes to reaching out to my other three and now four (we adopted one) sibling. I have a brother who lives in Texas whom I only see once a year. I saw him Memorial Day weekend as his daughter got married. We had a nice time and a great visit.

Then I have an adopted brother whose three siblings and mother all died within a short time. In our culture, my siblings and I adopted him, and I was now his cousin, sister, and mother for a short time. Yes, mother, that’s what our traditional healer said to us. “He still needs a mother for a short time.”

So I told him that means that I get to boss him for a while. He said he was used to that! And we laughed. We train together occasionally, and he is a college professor, which is different than a trainer, so I can boss him and others from time to time.

I think it meant he needs a little extra love and attention for a while yet, and I can do that.

My other brothers are in the process of losing their wives. The younger brother's wife is in critical condition. He is 10 years younger than I, and I believe she is age 65, or six years younger.

My sister-in-law is in the hospital, and has been for a couple of months now, fighting for her life. They separated just before she fell and broke a hip while living with her son and his wife, then she got an infection. They found cirrhosis, and that puts her in a very desperate condition.

My other brother got a divorce a year ago, and they have gone back and forth, and now it may be final. This brother is five years younger than me. They may all have addiction issues, in my opinion. I know my brothers do. Two are in recovery, and the two with marital issues are not at this time.

The good news for me is that they are talking about it and considering getting the needed help. I have had good relationships with my sister-in-laws too, but the problems with my brothers appear to have the sisters in law keeping some distance.

I try not to take sides, and I am successful at staying out of it. I pray for them and love them, and that is the place I am best at being. I miss all of them as we very seldom get together for family functions since my mother and sister died in 2009, and 2010. I see most of them separately.

First printed by Mercury Press on medium.com